HAVE YOU HEARD THESE?
A guy spots a sign outside a home that reads, "Talking Dog for Sale." Intrigued, he walks in.
"So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog.
"I've led a very full life," says the dog. "I've lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq.
And now I spend my dats reading to the residents of the retirement home."
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog's owner, "Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?"
The owner says, "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that."
A Poodle and a Collie are walking together when the Poodle suddenly unloads on his friend.
"My life is a mess," he says. "My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Schnauzer, and I'm jittery as a cat."
"Why don't you see a psychiatrist?" suggests the Collie.
"I can't," says the Poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."
A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they asked him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."
There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference.
After shopping around a while, he decided that the Nissan 350Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Nissan dealer and says he wants to buy the 350Z, but he wants it repainted "350-S".
The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"
The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."
Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.
The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed.
And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow!
Look at that S-car go!"
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."
Some race horses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"
"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a Greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the Greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"
The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI.
"Well," says the personnel director, "you'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute."
Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.
"Also," says the director, "you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course."
This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.
"There's one last requirement," the director continues. "You must be bilingual."
With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"