Welcome to the Quilting Board!

Already a member? Login above
loginabove
OR
To post questions, help other quilters and reduce advertising (like the one on your left), join our quilting community. It's free!

Results 1 to 8 of 8

Thread: Chili

  1. #1
    Senior Member Sassylass's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Ontario
    Posts
    942

    Chili

    CHILI



    THE SEASON FOR SOME GOOD, WARM CHILI HAS ARRIVED. BUT BE CAREFUL.



    WARNING: ONLY Read This WHEN You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.



    I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to mess yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.



    Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.



    No Watson's Movement Despite the chilies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'. Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.



    It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets thatís when the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh Oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.



    The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened.



    The chilies fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an orange aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.



    Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?

    Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. BIG mistake!!!!!



    Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, then began the inevitable 'Oh my', floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe.' He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-gun! Did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left. Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.' My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his apron up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't say any more about that because we are in court over the whole matter.



    They claim they're going to have to repaint the store.



    Enjoy the Chili season!
    If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. -Will Rogers

  2. #2
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    So.Ea. IN.
    Posts
    272
    I laughted till I had tears running. Sooooo funny!!!

  3. #3
    Super Member Anael's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    The Netherlands
    Posts
    4,210
    Same here LOL LOL
    A balanced quilter is one with a project on each finger
    Eat, quilt, sleep, repeat


    Nobody is completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example


  4. #4
    Power Poster
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Ontario, Canada
    Posts
    19,184
    Hilarious!!!! I don't like my Chili too hot but I can relate to the gas problem. I went to get red kidney beans for my Chili this week and the store was out! Oh, Oh, we better watch out, it's going to be an active Chili season. Do you like your Chili with homemade biscuits or boiled baby potatoes?

  5. #5
    Super Member buslady's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Location
    Thumb of Michigan
    Posts
    2,257
    Blog Entries
    7
    I take my chili any way I can get it. Love that stuff, but timeing is everything when you eat it. I laughed so hard I thought I was going to choke!!! sooooooo funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Onalee Rose
    "There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living."

  6. #6
    Super Member GABBYABBY's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Location
    Camden, Ohio
    Posts
    1,418
    That is soooooooooooooo funny!!! Tears running down my face.

  7. #7
    Junior Member Mellina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    Southeast, VA.
    Posts
    192
    OMG!! I was laughing and crying so hard my hubby wanted to know what I was doing. He read the story and said "Yep, chili works that way."

  8. #8
    Super Member Nanamoms's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Location
    MS
    Posts
    3,175
    Blog Entries
    1
    I have laughed so hard, I started choking and coughing!!

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

SEO by vBSEO ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.