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Thread: Christmas is early.....the anxiety begins!

  1. #1
    Super Member natalieg's Avatar
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    Well, Christmas for us will be today~only one day early! It's not too bad having it early~gets the rush over and done with faster! More time for my DH to relax before he goes back to work.
    This year, celebrating with us will be my oldest DD (24) with her boyfriend, my youngest DS (his fiancee) is back east with family, me, my DH (after work), my MIL (lives with us) and my ex-husband. It will be a rather small Christmas for us. We have 5 kids and three come with "attachments" (2 fiancees & 1 boyfriend). My ex decided to come and visit the two kids that live local this year again and he comes out to dinner and gifts to our house.
    As I get older, this is starting to bug me. I know I should be gracious that my children (ages 21-22-24) get to see both mom and dad on Christmas, but it is hard on the old brain! My husband is very giving (he knows my past with ex), and is very open with him celebrating with us. Therefore, he says he is welcome whenever he wants to visit. He used to stay on our property with us in our camper (town is 20 miles away). When the kids got older (and we got rid of the camper) he started staying in town in a hotel. Now that they live out of the home, he stays with them in town~shouldn't bother me, right? But, it does still....
    I don't know if it is like a competition and he takes my holiday from them, or just the fact that he is here-it was a very abusive relationship in the last five years of it. I have explained this to my husband and he understands. I am ok around ex (the kids are with us when he is here and he knows better now), but just want my own Christmas back! He usually only comes up every other year (for the past 12 years), but it just seems too much. I know I wouldn't want to be away from my kids, especially on the holidays, so I am trying to be understanding....but I get tired of it and who likes buying a gift for their ex anyways!
    I know it probably sounds petty, but isn't there a time when the ties get cut a little more?

  2. #2
    Super Member Murphy's Avatar
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    This is a tough one. After holidays maybe open discussions with children can be had so they understand what and why it needs to change. You have been incredibly strong and charitable to this person. Time to sever ties and launch him into his own life; he is clinging. Bless you and yours this holiday season.

  3. #3
    Power Poster cjomomma's Avatar
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    I wish I knew what to tell you Hun. It may be time to let go of the past and yes I know how hard that is to do. Just be thankful your not in that marriage anymore and enjoy the holidays with your family. You will always have a tie to your ex because of the kids so try to make the best of this situation.

  4. #4
    Senior Member hannajo's Avatar
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    Wow, you are a very loving and giving mother. I hope they realize this sacrifice you have made for them. No advice, I just hope you are able to make the best of it, at least for this year.

  5. #5
    Super Member cherylynne's Avatar
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    I don't want to complicate it further, but what will happen when the grandchildren come? Maybe next year is the year to start new traditions and the kids will need to realize that they can't see all of their family (both parents) on the same day. You and your husband have been very considerate of their feelings while they were younger.

  6. #6
    Super Member natalieg's Avatar
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    I think what helps me deal with it is knowing that our three children know it is possible to get a divorce AND remain civil. And, when we have grandchildren, they will hopefully see that gma and gpa can get along. I just get tired of sharing christmas. We have been divorced for over 16 years and when the kids were younger he would get them for Christmas, then show up here for my Christmas (most of them). One year he called me a week before my anniversary (right before Thanksgiving) and told us that he was arriving in a few days and was there for our anniversary. He does let us know ahead of time and is getting better with letting us know farther ahead of time, but it still frustrates me some. Thanks for letting me vent...

  7. #7
    Super Member amandasgramma's Avatar
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    It wouldn't be wrong for you to tell him, as he goes out the door, that NEXT year, he is to figure out a different way to celebrate with the kids.....that it's now time for you to have separate families. I had to do that with my ex. It's YOUR home --- he can't intrude unless you let him..............and if the kids can't understand, then they'd better learn. I find it amazing tha you allowed this for so long. My ex was abusive, too. I allowed it for 2 yrs, then told him he wasn't welcome in my home anymore. The kids survived.....and I'm still very close to them -- they actually understood!

    and 2nd thought ---- why should you have tha anxiety!!! This is your holiday, too! And the kids know by now that you can have a civil divorce -- but civil does not mean you have to allow him in your house.

  8. #8
    crt
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    Oh my. I don't know how you've done it for this long. It's time for him to figure out a way to do Christmas another way. There's no way that I would be able to be around my ex.

    My husband's ex-wife moved here a few years ago, and we were expected to do grandkids birthday's, etc. around her. I put my foot down and stopped going when she was there. (Which is ALL of the time.) My time is too valuable to spend it with someone that I can't stand to be around.

  9. #9
    Super Member clem55's Avatar
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    I personally think it was a good thing when your kids were younger, but there is such a thing as too much. Hon, you reached that long ago.! What a wonderful husband you have that would allow this. Your children are old enough and ex is too, to be told, , figure out another way.

  10. #10
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    Is there any way you can let you kids know that you understand their father is part of their familys but is no longer part of yours and see if you can celebrate the holidays seperately from him? Let them know how it makes you feel as they probably think you are ok with all this (sounds like you're a good actress). Just remember you might not always get Christmas on Christmas or Christmas eve since it could make them have 3-4 celebrations depending upon their significant others. Best wishes to you and your family.

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