! 'nough said! ;-D
A Dad's "Application To Date My Daughter"
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, driving
record, lineage, and current certified medical report (including drug
tests) from your doctor.
1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH________________
2. HEIGHT ______________
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________
DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK____________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS _________________
CITY/STATE___________ ZIP __________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?
If No, EXPLAIN
7. Number of years your parents have been married ____
8. Do you own a van? ______
A truck with oversized tires? ______
A waterbed? _________
Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo?
(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)
9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?
10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to
11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
12. Church/synagogue you attend _____________ How often do you attend
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers
are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone -ever- I
a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my
c) A woman's place is in the
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is
(NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave
premises keeping your head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up?
Please Review the Following Ten Simple Rules for Dating My
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her,
so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot
keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off
their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of
your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open
minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to
the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too
big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your
clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with
my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your
trousers securely in place to your waist.
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me
elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.
Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an
indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my
house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you
will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.
If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to
be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is
putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting
the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you
do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within
eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is
dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient
temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank
tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater,
and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a
strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which
features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my
daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I
ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to
tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have
a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice
paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices
in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to
bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you
should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the
perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no
need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
I SWEAR THAT I HAVE READ ALL THE RULES AND THAT ALL INFORMATION
SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER
PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE,
ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.
Signature (That means sign your name)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for
processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved.
Please do not try to call or write. If you do attempt any
communication before your application is approved, automatic disqualification will result.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two
gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might want
to watch your back).
This is your "last chance" to check your answers. Perhaps you should
check your response to question #10. This guy didn't get it!
Do you still want to date my daughter?
_____ Yes, please accept my application
_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house.