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Thread: A Dad's "Application To Date My Daughter"

  1. #1
    Super Member olmphoto2's Avatar
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    ! 'nough said! ;-D

    A Dad's "Application To Date My Daughter"

    NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
    accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, driving
    record, lineage, and current certified medical report (including drug
    tests) from your doctor.

    1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH________________

    2. HEIGHT ______________
    WEIGHT __________
    I.Q _______
    G.P.A.____________

    3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________
    DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

    4. BOY SCOUT RANK____________________________________

    5. HOME ADDRESS _________________
    CITY/STATE___________ ZIP __________

    6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?
    ___yes
    ___no

    If No, EXPLAIN
    _________________________________________________

    7. Number of years your parents have been married ____

    8. Do you own a van? ______
    A truck with oversized tires? ______
    A waterbed? _________
    Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo?
    __________

    (If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)

    9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?
    __________________________________________________



    10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to
    you?
    ________________________________________________

    11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
    ________________________________________________

    12. Church/synagogue you attend _____________ How often do you attend
    _____________

    13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and
    priest/rabbi/minister? _________________________________

    14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers
    are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone -ever- I
    promise.)

    a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is
    ______________________________________

    b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my
    ______________________________________

    c) A woman's place is in the
    ______________________________________

    d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is
    ______________________________________

    e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is
    ______________________________________
    (NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave
    premises keeping your head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is
    advised.)

    15. What do you want to be IF you grow up?
    ____________________________________



    Please Review the Following Ten Simple Rules for Dating My
    Daughter/Granddaughter


    Rule One:
    If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
    package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

    Rule Two:

    You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her,
    so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot
    keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

    Rule Three:
    I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
    wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off
    their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of
    your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open
    minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to
    the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too
    big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your
    clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with
    my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your
    trousers securely in place to your waist.

    Rule Four:
    I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
    utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me
    elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

    Rule Five:
    It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
    other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.
    Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an
    indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my
    house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

    Rule Six:
    I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
    date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
    daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you
    will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.
    If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

    Rule Seven:
    As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
    and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to
    be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is
    putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting
    the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you
    do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight:
    The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
    Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
    stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within
    eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is
    dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient
    temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank
    tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater,
    and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a
    strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which
    features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

    Rule Nine:
    Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
    middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my
    daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I
    ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to
    tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have
    a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

    Rule Ten:
    Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
    sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice
    paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices
    in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to
    bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you
    should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the
    perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
    daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no
    need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

    I SWEAR THAT I HAVE READ ALL THE RULES AND THAT ALL INFORMATION
    SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER
    PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE,
    ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.

    ________________________________

    Signature (That means sign your name)


    Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for
    processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved.
    Please do not try to call or write. If you do attempt any
    communication before your application is approved, automatic disqualification will result.

    If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two
    gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might want
    to watch your back).

    This is your "last chance" to check your answers. Perhaps you should
    check your response to question #10. This guy didn't get it!

    Do you still want to date my daughter?


    _____ Yes, please accept my application

    _____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house.

  2. #2
    Coley Banicki's Avatar
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    my dad was going to try something like that with me but well i wasn't going to let him do that! lol

  3. #3
    Super Member KatFish's Avatar
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    My DH will love this.

  4. #4
    Super Member
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    Good one. Poor girl. :)

  5. #5
    Super Member Murphy's Avatar
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    Great one; lucky daughter.

  6. #6

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    And that would be my husband...although he might not give them that much of a chance.

    This is the man that saw his little sister sneaking into a boy's window when he was 18, went and banged on the front door of the house, and demanded of the parents that they get his little sister out of their house. After which he threatened the boy within an inch of his life.

    'Nuff said.

  7. #7
    Super Member klgreene's Avatar
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    My son has two beautiful daughters, and He's already started talking like this and the girls are only 7 and 10. And he does have a gun, he's a cop, so I pitty the fool!!!!

  8. #8
    Kas
    Kas is offline
    Super Member Kas's Avatar
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    But it is so true! You wouldn't had the keys to your car to some teenage boy you just met, would you? Your child is more important and impossible to replace. My dates always had to come into the house to get me, even after we had been dating for a while!

  9. #9
    Super Member Chasing Hawk's Avatar
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    My father told a guy if I was to end up pregnant, he was gonna die.

    I never dated that guy again.

    I recall having alot of "one time only" dates........LOL thanks Dad

  10. #10
    Super Member
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    That "Ten Rules For Dating My Daughter" was on the internet many years ago and found instant acceptance. As a gag I sent it to my nice Army Master Sgt. SIL who thought it was a real nice guide. He had my DD print it out and frame it and hung it by the front door, and frequently called young male visitors' attention to it. DGD did not think it was funny, especially when the door was answered by a 6 foot 5 tough looking Dad. She won't even go to a near by University!! Says he frightens most of her dates!!

    On the other hand, it's too bad parents don't do more checking up on their underage daughters' male contacts....

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