Diary of a Snow Shoveler
December 8 : 6:00 PM.
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took
our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft
flakes drift down from heaven. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again.
I love snow!
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch
of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely
place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had.
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did
both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came
along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got
to shovel again. What a perfect life.
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My
neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas .
No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by
the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think
that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The
cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I
warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The
snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't
realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly
get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
20 inches forecasted. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow
tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The
wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's
silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway
putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I
think was very cruel.
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity
was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing
to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. Gee I hate it
when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night.
More shoveling. Took all day. Snowplow came by twice. Tried to
find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing
hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to
see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another
shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or
the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of it
fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till
August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and
then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed
again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on
his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think
December 23 :
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0 degrees. The wife wanted me to
decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why
didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think
December 24 :
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was
having a heart attack. If I ever catch the guy who drives
that snowplow, I'll kill him. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to
finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and
throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
Carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the
December 25 :
Merry Christmas . 20 more inches of the !=@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed
in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. Wow, I hate the snow! Then
the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the
head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's
an idiot. If I have to watch " It's a Wonderful Life " one more time, I'm
going to kill her.
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. My wife is driving me
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars.
The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving
me. Why am I tied to the bed?