Difficult life
11-22-2010, 08:48 PM
#1
Power Poster
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Murray, Ky. Looking for a nice cushy pillow to rest my head on!
Posts: 14,022
I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past years. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans-fats I have consumed over the years.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft andAOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 3,000 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.
I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face ... Disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.
I can’t do any gardening because I'm afraid I’ll get bitten by the wood spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician.
. . .
Oh, by the way, a German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans-fats I have consumed over the years.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft andAOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 3,000 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.
I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face ... Disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.
I can’t do any gardening because I'm afraid I’ll get bitten by the wood spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician.
. . .
Oh, by the way, a German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.
11-22-2010, 10:07 PM
#7
Super Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Central Ca
Posts: 2,598
Originally Posted by np3
OMG!!!! Got me with the mouse!
LOL .... Thanks for the grins, and here just caught finger hovering over laptop, that only I have touched with clean fingers w/a little snacky food germs not to worry on that have so many preservatives and other non organic, can't possibly have germs in the area.
:-D
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