Go Back  Quiltingboard Forums > General Chit-Chat (non-quilting talk)
Disorder in the American Courtroom >

Disorder in the American Courtroom

Disorder in the American Courtroom

Old 01-08-2011, 05:32 AM
  #1  
Super Member
Thread Starter
 
grammyp's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Alabama
Posts: 2,474
Default

I got this in an e-mail this morning. Even if it isn't true, it could be.

KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you joking me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
grammyp is offline  
Old 01-08-2011, 05:38 AM
  #2  
Power Poster
 
erstan947's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 12,166
Default

Put a smile on my face this morning:):):)
erstan947 is offline  
Old 01-08-2011, 06:30 AM
  #3  
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 959
Default

Thank you.........I really needed to laugh out loud!
Nana2Sew is offline  
Old 01-08-2011, 06:39 AM
  #4  
Super Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: New York City/Manhattan
Posts: 1,316
Default

I work in Court, as an "expert witness" in psychology. I can vouch for stupid questions that occur with regularity. Sometimes, the Judge and I meet eyes...hard not to laugh. I love when, in an interview, I ask the client how they came to be in Court (meaning why they were arrested or such) and they say, in all seriousness, "the bus brought me."
nycquilter is offline  
Old 01-08-2011, 06:51 AM
  #5  
Super Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Barnesville GA
Posts: 3,181
Default

Too funny. I am sitting here with tears in my eyes.
damaquilts is offline  
Old 01-08-2011, 07:08 AM
  #6  
Super Member
 
Ditter43's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Crystal River Florida
Posts: 9,785
Default

I hope it's not true, but fear it is!!!! :lol:
Ditter43 is offline  
Old 01-08-2011, 08:36 AM
  #7  
Super Member
 
amandasgramma's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: La Pine Oregon, USA
Posts: 5,907
Default

I've read this many times....and I STILL read thru it and laugh myself silly!!!! I knew lawyers (many are politicians) and yip - some ask those kind of questions.
amandasgramma is offline  
Old 01-08-2011, 09:39 AM
  #8  
Super Member
 
wanderingcreek's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
Posts: 1,495
Default

Those are so funny. I would not have been able to keep a straight face upon hearing some of those in a courtroom!
wanderingcreek is offline  
Old 01-08-2011, 11:29 AM
  #9  
Super Member
 
ptquilts's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Vermont
Posts: 6,967
Default

My favorite:

Lawyer: - is that your cousin Mr. Smith sitting there?
Witness: - yes
Lawyer: - and what is his first name?
Witness: - I forget.
Lawyer: - you forget your own cousin's name?
Witness: - I'm too nervous (turns to cousin) - Nathan, for god's sakes tell them your name!!
ptquilts is offline  
Old 01-08-2011, 02:09 PM
  #10  
Power Poster
 
amma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Out searching for some sunshine :-)
Posts: 58,856
Default

LMBO
amma is offline  
Related Topics
Thread
Thread Starter
Forum
Replies
Last Post
Ditter43
General Chit-Chat (non-quilting talk)
21
02-25-2012 10:00 AM
Evie
General Chit-Chat (non-quilting talk)
12
02-03-2012 10:11 PM
kbs
Main
10
10-26-2011 08:22 AM
Ditter43
General Chit-Chat (non-quilting talk)
5
04-11-2011 11:15 AM

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


FREE Quilting Newsletter