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Thread: I just don't understand my sister

  1. #1
    Super Member pittsburgpam's Avatar
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    I have 2 sisters and 1 brother, all older than me by at least 5 years. Our father passed away in December and left everything to the 4 of us. My brother, as executor, has been really great in taking care of everything and I did make him a quilt to thank him for all his work.

    So... the money that was in the family trust was split 4 ways very equitably. My father kept record of every $20 that one of us borrowed so after the 4-way split everything anyone borrowed was taken out of their share and put back into the "pot". That pot was again split 4 ways. Basically back into the pot what would have been there to split.

    One of my sisters had borrowed well over $40k, $32k of it to not lose her SECOND house to foreclosure (lost the first one) so she received less than the other 3. That was just part of my parents' estate and the rest will be settled soon, it was not an unsubstancial sum.

    My brother just told me that this sister has asked for a $5k advance on the rest. Then about in the same breath he tells me that she has rented a house at the lake for a week because it's her b-day. This sister also bought a Mercedes after she received the money. I guess I shouldn't be surprised but I still am. She has been out of work for years on disability, always struggling to make ends meet, always broke. I would have hoped that she would put this money away to help make her life a little easier for the long term but I see that is not to be.

    It hurts me not only on the level that she is doing these distructive things to herself but blowing away what my parents worked all their lives for in just a few months.

    I have spent very little of it, the biggest was for a new Viking sewing machine and I felt guilty about that even. Almost all of it went into investments, CDs, and high yield savings and the rest of it will too. My father always told me that he wanted it for us to have some security and that's just what I'll do with it. I don't expect that my sister will have anything left by the end of the year.


  2. #2
    Super Member kwhite's Avatar
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    I am so sorry you have this worry after losing your dad. Stay strong. She is a grown up and is going to have to be responsible for herself now.

  3. #3
    Moderator tlrnhi's Avatar
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    I agree with kwhite. Your sister is old enough to know what she has to do. Don't stress yourself out about this. Easy to say, hard to do...been there, done that with my own sister. She blew ALL of her inheritance on drugs and doesn't have anything left.
    Sooner or later they learn, we hope.

  4. #4
    Super Member pittsburgpam's Avatar
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    I know that I can't change her or make her do anything. I do suspect that she may be doing drugs. She is VERY skinney, unheathily so, and she has lost all her teeth. I know this is a side affect of some drugs like Meth, it's called Meth Mouth. She is only 5 years older than me, not yet 50, but I'm not sure about the teeth/drugs because I remember us being at the dentist when we were little and the dentist saying even then that her teeth were gray, like dead, and they have always been bad. My father had false teeth since his 20's.

    My other sister is very skinny too though, even a size 1 jeans was almost falling off her when we were running to catch a plane. She doesn't do drugs and she has been to a doctor about it who actually told her to have a cocktail before dinner to stimulate her appetite. My mother was slim too. My brother and I take after our father so we don't have that problem.

    For these reasons I'm just not sure if she is using drugs and there's nothing I could do about it anyway. She is married and has 3 grown children, 2 grandchildren.

  5. #5
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    Sorry to hear you're going through this. But remember, you can only change, that which you can control. You could ask your brother to deny any future requests for money advances. It would at least postpone her spending. What does her husband say about flittering away all the inheritance money? Or, do you think he may be using drugs, too?

  6. #6
    Power Poster amma's Avatar
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    It is heart wrenching to watch someone you love do things that are not in their best interest. Sometimes all you can do is step back and let them do it. Try not to focus on what she is doing with her inheritance, there is not much of anything you can do about it but give yourself an ulcer. Your father probably knew when he set up his estate that this was a good possiblility, (considering her history of money issues) and he still chose to give her the funds in a lump sum amount. Maybe in his own way he is saying that it is her choice now on how she handles her inheritance.

  7. #7
    Power Poster BellaBoo's Avatar
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    Maybe she should hear the word NO more often. :wink:

  8. #8
    Power Poster Ninnie's Avatar
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    We are going through the same thing, settling MIL estate, DH is exc and he has only 1 sister, never made anything of herself, only came to see her mother when she wanted something, now is pressuring Dh all the time. Not a big estate, but a lot of valuable land. We just want to get all Mil's bills paid and settle with the hospital and do things right and she is worrying us all the time, calling our lawyer, and our bank and just doing things that normal people wouldn't do.

    Pam, the more you give some people, the more they want and they never learn.
    Sorry you all are going through this, we think it will soon be over and then she can't bother us anymore, once your sister runs through hers, all you can do is say NO!!!


  9. #9
    Lisa T's Avatar
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    Ugh! I hope that whenever my bro, sis and I have to deal with this that we won't have those issues. I don't think we will and we hopefully have a longlong time- my parents are in their early 50s.

    I feel for you guys. Like others said, there is nothing you can do, and your dad must have known what would happen, but it's still hard to watch her squander what he worked so hard for.

  10. #10
    Super Member pittsburgpam's Avatar
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    I am sure that her husband is at least half the problem. My dad told me not long ago that they had borrowed money and right after that they and my father were at a family function and her husband was buying drinks for everyone. My dad said he thought, "big spender with my money."

    Maybe her husband is mostly the problem, I can't say since no one knows what really goes on in a marriage. She certainly wasn't raised that way.

    I wonder if she knows that inheritance is not community property, even in a divorce, unless the money has been put into a joint account and co-mingled with joint assets. My other sister is married and she knew that, put the money into an account in her name only which is just what her husband said she should do because it is hers to do with as she wishes, not theirs. But her husband is a great guy too.

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