Joke
07-10-2010, 02:57 PM
#1
Super Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: northern Minnesota
Posts: 4,392
Simple tests to determine your preparedness for children:
MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the cat's litter box, then on the walls. Cover the stains with a coating of crayon. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos (you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not shout expletives as this could wake a sleeping child.
GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you to the grocery store. Keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one unhappy, live octopus. Wake it up early and try to stuff it into a small net bag. Don't forget the mittens.
FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic jug. Fill halfway with milk. Suspend the jug from the ceiling and start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of applesauce into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Once you've succeeded, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST:
Fill a small cloth bag with 10 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag. At 9 p.m., lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, waltz and sing every song you have ever heard until 1 a.m. Repeat between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. Set alarm for 5 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for three years. Remain cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST:
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to your midsection. Leave it there for nine months, then remove 10% of the beans.
FISCAL TEST:
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Leave it there. Now proceed to the nearest grocery store and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited into their account.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve on both their disciplinary practices and their exercise of patience. Feel confident that you have all the answers. Take note of their expressions. Now run -- fast.
MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the cat's litter box, then on the walls. Cover the stains with a coating of crayon. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos (you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not shout expletives as this could wake a sleeping child.
GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you to the grocery store. Keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one unhappy, live octopus. Wake it up early and try to stuff it into a small net bag. Don't forget the mittens.
FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic jug. Fill halfway with milk. Suspend the jug from the ceiling and start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of applesauce into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Once you've succeeded, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST:
Fill a small cloth bag with 10 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag. At 9 p.m., lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, waltz and sing every song you have ever heard until 1 a.m. Repeat between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. Set alarm for 5 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for three years. Remain cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST:
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to your midsection. Leave it there for nine months, then remove 10% of the beans.
FISCAL TEST:
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Leave it there. Now proceed to the nearest grocery store and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited into their account.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve on both their disciplinary practices and their exercise of patience. Feel confident that you have all the answers. Take note of their expressions. Now run -- fast.
07-10-2010, 03:17 PM
#2
Power Poster
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Murray, Ky. Looking for a nice cushy pillow to rest my head on!
Posts: 14,022
LMBO!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't tell how many times a childless adult has tried to tell me what I am doing wrong. I think the look on my face usually tells them to run.
07-10-2010, 06:01 PM
#5
Super Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 4,879
TRUE TRUE TRUE! I still do the "foot sweep" when I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. If it wasn't legos, it was tinker toys or log cabin pieces. Now it is dog bones and dog toys. If you don't know what the foot sweep is, you either never had children or are a much better housekeeper than I am.
07-10-2010, 08:30 PM
#7
Super Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Indiana
Posts: 2,062
Originally Posted by CarrieAnne
LOL, the Legos really got me laughing! I swear I stepped on those things every night for YEARS!
07-10-2010, 08:36 PM
#8
Super Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Indiana
Posts: 2,062
Originally Posted by GrammaNan
TRUE TRUE TRUE! I still do the "foot sweep" when I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. If it wasn't legos, it was tinker toys or log cabin pieces. Now it is dog bones and dog toys. If you don't know what the foot sweep is, you either never had children or are a much better housekeeper than I am.
07-11-2010, 07:59 AM
#10
Super Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 4,879
Originally Posted by KatFish
Originally Posted by GrammaNan
TRUE TRUE TRUE! I still do the "foot sweep" when I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. If it wasn't legos, it was tinker toys or log cabin pieces. Now it is dog bones and dog toys. If you don't know what the foot sweep is, you either never had children or are a much better housekeeper than I am.
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