Quiltingboard Forums - Tools Explained (funny)

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Tools Explained
>
> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
> metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
> flings your Coca-Cola across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
>
> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
> the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and
> hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
> 'Oh sh--!'
>
> SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
>
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
> blood-blisters.
>
> BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
> touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
>
> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
> your future becomes.
>
> VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
> heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
> intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
> objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
> the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
>
> TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
> projectiles for testing wall integrity.
>
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly
> under the bumper.
>
> BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
> good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the
> trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside
> edge.
>
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
> everything you forgot to disconnect.
>
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
> shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
> screw heads.
>
> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
> convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering
> your palms.
>
> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
> you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>
> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
>
> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
> used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent
> the object we are trying to hit.
>
> UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
> cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
> such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
> magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful
> for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
>
> SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab
> and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of
> your lungs. It is also, most often, the very next tool that you will need.
>
> Hope you found this informative.