*Went to the cemetery the other day and saw 4 men carrying a coffin. 3 hours later I saw the same 4 men with the same coffin. Thought to myself - "They've lost the plot!"
*I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
*Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
*Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
*The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
*The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
*The optician backed into the lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself.
*Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
*To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
*When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
*The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium-at-large.
*A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
*A thief broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
*Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
*We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
*When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
*The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
*The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
*The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
*If you take your laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
*A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
*A bicycle can't stand alone. It is two tired.
*A will is a dead giveaway.
*Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
*A backward poet writes inverse.
*In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
*A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
*If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
*With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
*Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
*When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
*A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
*You are stuck with your debt it you can't budge it.
*Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
*He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
*A calendar's days are numbered.
*A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
*A hard boiled egg is hard to beat.
*He had a photogenic memory which was never developed.
*A plateau is a high form of flattery.
*When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
*If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
*When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.