A wife says to her husband "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back".
He says "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair".
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You're obviously not listening. "
My wife has been missing for a week. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back,
I saw a poor old lady fall on the ice today!! At least I presume she was poor --- she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning, can you believe that... 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.