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Thread: Thank you very much!....funny

  1. #1
    Super Member Ditter43's Avatar
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    Jan 2007
    Location
    Crystal River Florida
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    9,461
    Thank You All


    As we approach the wind-down of another year - I want to thank all of you
    for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now
    and have little chance of recovery.

    I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the
    bacteria
    on the lemon peel. I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last
    person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

    I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has
    happened on it since it was last washed..hmmmm

    I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the
    number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

    Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine
    how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

    I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a
    public bathroom.

    I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat crap
    in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
    envelope that needs sealing.

    ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
    I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
    who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

    I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000
    that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their
    special e-mail program.

    I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for
    me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

    I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice
    with my kidneys gone.

    I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
    freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

    I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
    buffalo on a hot day.

    THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
    forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
    minutes.

    BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
    toilet stains.

    I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a
    serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

    I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products
    are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

    I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
    different types of cancer.

    THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake
    could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my
    bum.

    AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a Penny dropped in the
    parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to
    grab me as I bend over.

    I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al
    Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

    I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I' ll get bitten by the Violin
    spider and my hand will fall off.

    If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
    minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
    tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back,
    causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
    happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second
    husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . . .

    Oh, by the way... A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy
    study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their
    e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

    Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

    PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by
    e-mail that water-mist reaches over 6 ft. out of the toilet.


    HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

  2. #2
    Super Member Airwick156's Avatar
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    Dec 2010
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    Grants Pass, Oregon
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    This just made my day reading this. I giggled all the way through it.
    Nice to meet you. My husband is from Crystal River, Florida and still has family there. Were in Oregon now.

  3. #3

    Join Date
    Apr 2010
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    587
    OMG, some OCD with paranoia. Is that an apt description. Just reading this [with my fingers on the mouse] caused me to reach for the hand sanitizer foam and take a big squirt.

    You are such a hoot! Please keep us in stitches during this new year. A Happy New Year To All.

  4. #4
    Super Member Qbee's Avatar
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    Aug 2010
    Location
    Kentucky
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    4,167
    ROFL!!! Oh Ditter....I look forward to your little jokes every day!! :D

  5. #5
    Senior Member RevPam's Avatar
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    Mar 2010
    Location
    Western New York
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    884
    Ditter, You amaze me!

  6. #6
    Super Member raptureready's Avatar
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    Feb 2010
    Location
    Illinois
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    Love this!!! Don't you just hate those "this is really true warnings"? and the if you're not ashamed of Jesus you'll forward this to 9997 people in the next 20 seconds things? How in the world did Jesus manage before e-mail?


    Ditter, Sometimes I can't find your joke of the day but I'll admit that I'm so addicted to them that I'll go to User List, type in your name and click on your posts just to make sure that I don't miss any of them.

  7. #7
    Super Member ptquilts's Avatar
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    Jun 2010
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    Vermont
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    Quote Originally Posted by raptureready
    Love this!!! Don't you just hate those "this is really true warnings"? and the if you're not ashamed of Jesus you'll forward this to 9997 people in the next 20 seconds things? How in the world did Jesus manage before e-mail?

    ROFL!!!

  8. #8
    Banned
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    Jul 2010
    Location
    Yulee Florida
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    That is aggrivatingly correct. but makes you think too. Funny to my bones.

  9. #9
    okiepastor's Avatar
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    Oct 2010
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    Oklahoma
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    So FUNNY--my favorite way to start the day!

  10. #10
    Super Member Treasureit's Avatar
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    Oct 2010
    Location
    OC, CA
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    You come up with some great humor! THanks

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