Thank you very much!....funny
12-29-2010, 04:03 AM
#1
Super Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Crystal River Florida
Posts: 9,785
Thank You All
As we approach the wind-down of another year - I want to thank all of you
for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now
and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the
bacteria
on the lemon peel. I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last
person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has
happened on it since it was last washed..hmmmm
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the
number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine
how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a
public bathroom.
I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat crap
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000
that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their
special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for
me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice
with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a
serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products
are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
different types of cancer.
THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake
could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my
bum.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a Penny dropped in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to
grab me as I bend over.
I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al
Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I' ll get bitten by the Violin
spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second
husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . . .
Oh, by the way... A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy
study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their
e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by
e-mail that water-mist reaches over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
As we approach the wind-down of another year - I want to thank all of you
for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now
and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the
bacteria
on the lemon peel. I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last
person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has
happened on it since it was last washed..hmmmm
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the
number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine
how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a
public bathroom.
I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat crap
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000
that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their
special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for
me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice
with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a
serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products
are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
different types of cancer.
THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake
could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my
bum.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a Penny dropped in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to
grab me as I bend over.
I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al
Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I' ll get bitten by the Violin
spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second
husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . . .
Oh, by the way... A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy
study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their
e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by
e-mail that water-mist reaches over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
12-29-2010, 04:29 AM
#3
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 449
OMG, some OCD with paranoia. Is that an apt description. Just reading this [with my fingers on the mouse] caused me to reach for the hand sanitizer foam and take a big squirt.
You are such a hoot! Please keep us in stitches during this new year. A Happy New Year To All.
You are such a hoot! Please keep us in stitches during this new year. A Happy New Year To All.
12-29-2010, 05:14 AM
#6
Super Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Illinois
Posts: 5,142
Love this!!! Don't you just hate those "this is really true warnings"? and the if you're not ashamed of Jesus you'll forward this to 9997 people in the next 20 seconds things? How in the world did Jesus manage before e-mail?
Ditter, Sometimes I can't find your joke of the day but I'll admit that I'm so addicted to them that I'll go to User List, type in your name and click on your posts just to make sure that I don't miss any of them.
Ditter, Sometimes I can't find your joke of the day but I'll admit that I'm so addicted to them that I'll go to User List, type in your name and click on your posts just to make sure that I don't miss any of them.
12-29-2010, 06:31 AM
#7
Super Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Vermont
Posts: 6,980
Originally Posted by raptureready
Love this!!! Don't you just hate those "this is really true warnings"? and the if you're not ashamed of Jesus you'll forward this to 9997 people in the next 20 seconds things? How in the world did Jesus manage before e-mail?
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