kwhite

We were talking over dinner about being a lady. My daughter (21) was "blown off" by a boy so he could go out with his cousins. He had told her for two weeks he wanted to take her out after she got off work on Wednesday. 1/2 hour before she got off he calls to say he was going out with the cousins instead. She had picked out an outfit and made special effort to look good. She came home. I told her she needed to say somthing to him and tell him she would not put up with this treatment. You teach people how to treat you and if you let him get away with it he will think he can. Also when you do go out, let him hold doors for you and treat you like a lady. Her view is if you let them hold doors and such you are "high maintenance" and "weak" I think you can be a lady and be equal and strong in the relationship and told her so. What do you think? I especially want to hear from the feminist population.

pocoellie

Personally speaking, I think you're right, not your daughter.

BlueChicken

I don't think that having the door held makes you weak or high maintenance, but at the same time, when a man holds the door it doesn't necessarily mean he respects you either.

She has to look at the overall picture.... he blew her off to go hang out with his cousins. Unless his cousins have been overseas for the last ten years and suddenly came back unannounced, then he's made his priorities pretty clear. And sadly, your daughter is far down on his list.

I wouldn't say anything to him until the next time he asks her out, at which point I'd simply say "not interested". I don't want to be put on a pedstal and worshipped, but I do want to know that I'm important, and really high on a man's list of priorities.

littlehud

You hit it right on the head Blue. He is obviously not that interested if he calls the date off a half hour before he is to pick her up. Next time he asks tell him to spend some time with his cousins.

Elisabrat

Oh you were right on the money. My daughter is 18. I have told her from day one you TEACH people how to treat you. She has got it down. You do not last minute me and expect me to jump, you will open doors, you will speak correctly to me or not at all, you will treat me well or you will not treat me at all. BE HIGH MAINTAINENCE, its better than being easy. If thats high maitainence, can you imagine that same name caller dealing with a REAL ISSUE? Heck no. And that goes for a relationship be it man and woman or same sex.. respect is something you have to command. It doesnt come free these days. Being a lady is a gift these young fools are only fortunate enough to encounter. The lucky ones treat them accordingly.

sandpat

High maintenance for having the door held openand speaking politely to you???? I don't think so! I don't think the world has changed all that much from when I was that old. I'll just say..why waste your time with this guy..if he treats you like that before you even go out, how would he treat you when you are actually dating??? Ignore you totally? Is that ok???...No...Just think what life would be like actually married to someone like that?? I wouldn't waste even 1 minute of my time with that guy.

I hold open doors for others and love it when they hold them open for me..its just common courtesy..plain and simple.

barnbum

Exactly!

kwhite

Well I think she has listened cause she told him she was unavailable when he finally did call. And she told him she is not the kind of girl that sits around waiting on any man. If you make plans with her you better be ready to follow through or have a good reason why not. She told him to tell his mother what he had done and see what she thinks. Success!!! Lets keep the convo going though it is interesting. I told DD that when I was her age if you were 5 mins late for a date with me I was on my way out the door with the next in line.

Lisanne

I've thought of myself as a feminist ever since I learned the word at about twelve years old. By that, I mean only that I think men and women are equals, are equally capable of almost everything, and should have equal rights under the law. It doesn't mean being mannish, and it doesn't mean not doing or enjoying things that are traditionally feminine. It does mean that I can wear jeans or dresses, spend time quilting or woodworking.

When two people are going through a door at the same time, whoever is in the most convenient position to hold it open should do so for the other person, regardless of gender, IMO. There are exceptions, such as disability or when one of the people is laden down with packages. It's very annoying when a guy pushes his way in front of me just so he can hold the door for me. Or standing in the doorway so that I have to squeeze past him to get through. I've been yelled at and called names when I've gone through an adjacent door instead or asked the guy to go through instead of squeezing by him. Where are the manners in that???

OTOH, when a man knows how to do it right and does it with that certain something that lets me know he's doing it as a gentleman would for a lady, I find that delightful. (Then again, I don't have the patience to wait for someone to walk around and open a car door for me. I'd rather just get out myself.)

The whole idea of treating a woman like a lady is kind of formal. Overall I'm a pretty casual person and wouldn't require that in any relationship. But I think that's a matter of individual preference. Treating me with respect and decency is a whole other thing, though - that is required.

And it's reciprocal. Women can't demand or expect to be treated like a lady or with respect without doing the same to the man (uh, treating him like a gentleman).

As far as what happened with your daughter, the guy was wrong. If the cousins wanted a night out, they should have arranged it beforehand. Since he had other plans, he should have kept them. I doubt this was a case of wanting to spend time with cousins not seen often, since he could see them the next day. Or arranged to meet up with them later on, or with your daughter, etc. This sounds like guys' night out to me.

It's up to your daughter to decide whether she wants to be treated like a lady or less formally, but she does need to decide what the limits are and let him know.

FroggyinTexas

If a man won't treat you like a princess, dump him! They probe to see how much you will tolerate and the more you tolerate, the more thoughtless and demanding they get.

This man was incredibly rude and insensitive. It is not likely he would have done this to one of his guy friends

Lots of men are so spoiled because they think they are so desirable, that they don't even exhibit good manners.

Re-read Proverbs the 31st chapter with a new perspective: you have a woman here who is running the family business, buying and selling land, seeing after the farm, keeping the books, and taking care of the children and the employees while her husband is down at the pool hall bragging about how hard she works.

Give me a break. Your daughter would be better off alone than with Godzilla!

FroggyinTexas