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Thread: Too funny Not to share

  1. #1
    Super Member debbieoh's Avatar
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    Someone in one of my Yahoo groups sent out this email about her ant problem. I know the problem itself is not funny But her email had me in stitches and almost wetting my panties. Thought everyone might enjoy it. She should write books >>>>>
    her subject line read.
    Where can I buy Dynamite.

    OK, now that I've asked for dynamite & got Big Brother accessing my computer and putting me on the watchlist for terrorism, let me explain.



    Ants. They are everywhere. They are on my kitchen counter. They are in my laundry. They are in my garden. They are in the pantry. I've even found some on the sewing table. The are in the pet food. They are where there is food. They are where there isn't food. They are everywhere.


    I went to the WasteNothing eList to see if they had ideas on how to kill the little monsters w/out using poisons around my food and dishes. It was suggested to use white vinegar to clean with. It was said that white vinegar would keep the ants at bay. So I bought a gallon of vinegar & put it in a spray bottle. I moved all the dishes etc off the kitchen counter and there they were. Hoards of them under the dish towel. Under the medicine tray. Troops of them marching across the back of the spashboard to their nest. Aha, the enemy.


    I started spraying them with the vinegar, covering the counter with a fine mist. They moved between the droplets; an ever fast-moving line of dark red dots on my white counter top. So I sprayed more, covering the counter with a film of vinegar. The ants started to swim. I got out the magnifying glass & watched as they inflated their tiny little life vests & swam to safety at the edge of the counter, & off to their nest, where ever that is. (I haven't been able to find it yet.)


    So I went back to my eList & reported my findings. "If the white vinegar doesn't work, try borax. A fine powder of it will kill them and deter more from coming." So I got the borax. In a quart container with a nozzle that "poufs a mist of powder." I misted the counter with the borax. It's supposed to be safe around food. I put a heavier powder along the edge of the counter/splashboard. I went back to check & they had tiny little skateboards. They were skating across the film of borax!!!


    Once more I went to my eList. Once more I got suggestions. "Ants & other critters hate bay leaves." So I went to Wally World & bought 4 packages of bay leaves. I put them behind the refrigerator. In the cabinets. In the jars of spices & sugar. Along the counter top, on top of the fine layer of borax on the counter washed with white vinegar. Expecting victory, I went about my business. The next time I went into the kitchen, I brought my magnifying glass, hoping I'd need it to be able to find any of the offending critters.


    But no!!! The magnifying glass revealed tiny little campfires built near the bay leaves. Pots of stew were bubbling and crews of ants were busy chewing off pieces of the bay leaves to season their supper. In a fit of fury, I grabbed a dish towel & plunged into the dish pan of soapy water. Dripping bubbles and soap, I wiped the ants into the towel. Clearing the counter of all the creepy, crawly critters, I felt a surge of satisfaction. In my hand were the offending creatures. They were inflating their life vests against the threat of drowning in the water. Tiny little Red Cross tents were springing up as they treated their wounded and those that had been burned by the scalding pots of dinner.


    Without a thought about their families back in the nest, I rushed the towel to the washing machine & threw it in. Surely a cycle in the washing machine would kill them. Grinning with self satisfaction at having defeated the enemy, I returned to the kitchen to find the rescue teams on my kitchen counter. They had tiny little rescue K9s looking for the dead & wounded. Alas, and alack, there were none, but that didn't deter the search teams from swarming on the counter, looking, searching, covering my clean counter once again.


    Deciding that my eList had plenty of "safe" alternatives that didn't work, I started asking friends. Sherry said, "Use Terro. That will kill them. You just put out a few drops & they come to dine. Then they bring the poison back to the nest, killing all of the ants." So off we go to Wally World again & we found Terro in the little clear bottle. Just to be sure, I bought two.


    For the last week, I have been putting drops of Terro on the kitchen counter. Sherry is right. They came. They surrounded the droplets of Terro. They ate. They put up little signs that advertised the newest dining experience in town. More of their friends came. Soon the dining site became the talk of the town. Ties & jackets are now required. The head waiter has been building his bank account as "nobody ants" slip him tips to get them in.


    Last night, they hired a band. They were so noisy, the dogs couldn't sleep. So of course, they came to wake me & I couldn't sleep.


    This morning, I again cleared the counter top. And found their party is still going on. The band is still playing. The ants are still dining at the Terro bar. And more keep coming to the party.


    So now you see why I need dynamite. Art used to say, "use dynamite" when I asked how to get rid of the ants in my garden. I always thought he was joking. Now I know he was totally serious.

    --
    Brenda in West Park, FL

  2. #2
    Super Member moonwork42029's Avatar
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    lol... tooo dang funny

  3. #3
    Super Member Lv2sew2011's Avatar
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    What a chuckle....thanks for sharing...

  4. #4
    Super Member NancyG's Avatar
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    What a kick.....she's funny!!

  5. #5
    Super Member Kitsie's Avatar
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    Oh, she writes a mean story!!!! Soooooooooo Funny! She should be published!
    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

  6. #6
    Super Member feffertim's Avatar
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    ha ha

  7. #7
    Power Poster erstan947's Avatar
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    Go to Wally World and buy "ant" poison. There is a reason that it is for sale!:)

  8. #8
    Super Member caspharm's Avatar
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    Brenda is funny! Sounds like time to call a pest control person.

  9. #9
    Senior Member clynns's Avatar
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    I copied this and shared with my family. Too funny. Thanks for the laugh.

  10. #10
    Super Member
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    Too funny. Are you published?

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