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Thread: Tools Explained (funny)

  1. #1
    Super Member litacats's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    western australia
    I hope you like this
    Tools Explained
    > DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
    > metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
    > flings your Coca-Cola across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
    > WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
    > the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and
    > hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
    > 'Oh sh--!'
    > SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
    > PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
    > blood-blisters.
    > BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
    > touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
    > HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
    > principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
    > motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
    > your future becomes.
    > VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
    > heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
    > intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
    > OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
    > objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
    > the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
    > TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
    > projectiles for testing wall integrity.
    > HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly
    > under the bumper.
    > BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
    > good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the
    > trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside
    > edge.
    > TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
    > everything you forgot to disconnect.
    > PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
    > shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
    > screw heads.
    > STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
    > convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering
    > your palms.
    > PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
    > you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
    > HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
    > HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
    > used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent
    > the object we are trying to hit.
    > UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
    > cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
    > such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
    > magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful
    > for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
    > SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab
    > and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of
    > your lungs. It is also, most often, the very next tool that you will need.
    > Hope you found this informative.

  2. #2
    T-Bones mom's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Northern NY
    I need to send this list to every male on my husbands side of the family. All of them have lost digits due to power tools. ROFLMAO

  3. #3
    Super Member Deecee's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Victoria, Australia
    That was my laugh for the evening - I've witnessed a few of those.

  4. #4
    Super Member SharonAnne's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Silicon Valley, San Jose, CA
    That was hysterical. I can visualize every single one of them. Thanks for the laugh.

  5. #5
    Super Member Mamagus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Newfoundland Canada
    On our first date my DH said, "I'm not a plumber, mechanic, carpenter or electrician. So if that's what you're looking for I'm not your man." THEN he was introduced to my power tools. This list could have been written by him!!!

  6. #6
    Super Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Alturas, CA
    Too true and funny.

  7. #7
    Super Member raptureready's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Oh dear! You forgot my personal favorite---The Ladies Circular Saw---alternatively used as a hair curler and/or hair scissors.

    And yes, I did get my hair wound so tightly in one that my husband had to take the thing apart while it was still attached to my head. Not the most pleasant experience of my life. Those things get heavy after about 30 minutes of holding them close to your head to keep from being bald on one side.

  8. #8
    Super Member dvseals's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    I love this one LOL

  9. #9
    Super Member amazon's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Blog Entries
    OMGosh :thumbup: rotfl :lol: :lol: :lol: Experienced some of these myself.Yes,been there done that, I repeated as I read down the list! :lol:

  10. #10
    Super Member Ditter43's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Crystal River Florida
    I am so happy to know I have used some of these tools correctly! My DH didn't think I knew what I was doing!HA! I'll have to show this to him! Thanks for helping me prove I know more then he thinks I do!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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