Very Punny! ;-)
09-15-2010, 05:24 AM
#1
Super Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Northwest Georgia
Posts: 3,272
Be warned: some of these are real "groaners"! :lol:
1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it".
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with ... transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression,..."He who has a Tate's is lost!"
6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew,and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that...the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it".
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with ... transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression,..."He who has a Tate's is lost!"
6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew,and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that...the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
09-16-2010, 04:08 AM
#10
Super Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Illinois
Posts: 5,142
Is it okay to add one? or two?
Ms Whack got a job in the local bank as a loan officer. Patty was so proud of her new job, office, desk, name plate on the door, etc.
One day a frog walked in and asked for a loan. He said that he was the son of Mick Jagger.
Patty asked if he had any collateral. The frog said, "What's collateral?" Patty told him that collateral was something he owned of some value that they could hold as security for the loan. The frog thought for awhile, reached in his pocket and pulled out a small glass figurine. Patty couldn't figure out what it was so she took it to the bank manager told him the whole story, asked what this glass thing was and what she should do. He answered, "It's a knick knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."
Next:
Dale Evans decided to surprize Roy with a new pair of boots. Roy was thrilled and put them on then went to work on the ranch. He spent all day in the barn cleaning stalls and feeding the animals. That evening when he walked up to the house, Dale said, "You're not wearing those dirty new shoes into my house, leave them on the porch." The next morning when Roy went to get his boots they were all eaten up. The markings indicated that a mountain lion had eaten them. Roy was so upset that he said goodbye to Dale, saddled Trigger and rode out in search of the mountain lion. Several days passed and finally Roy and Trigger came trudging home---a large mountain lion was dead and draped over the saddle. Dale ran out to Roy and exclaimed, "Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes."
(tune of chatanooga choo choo)
Okay, I'm done.
Ms Whack got a job in the local bank as a loan officer. Patty was so proud of her new job, office, desk, name plate on the door, etc.
One day a frog walked in and asked for a loan. He said that he was the son of Mick Jagger.
Patty asked if he had any collateral. The frog said, "What's collateral?" Patty told him that collateral was something he owned of some value that they could hold as security for the loan. The frog thought for awhile, reached in his pocket and pulled out a small glass figurine. Patty couldn't figure out what it was so she took it to the bank manager told him the whole story, asked what this glass thing was and what she should do. He answered, "It's a knick knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."
Next:
Dale Evans decided to surprize Roy with a new pair of boots. Roy was thrilled and put them on then went to work on the ranch. He spent all day in the barn cleaning stalls and feeding the animals. That evening when he walked up to the house, Dale said, "You're not wearing those dirty new shoes into my house, leave them on the porch." The next morning when Roy went to get his boots they were all eaten up. The markings indicated that a mountain lion had eaten them. Roy was so upset that he said goodbye to Dale, saddled Trigger and rode out in search of the mountain lion. Several days passed and finally Roy and Trigger came trudging home---a large mountain lion was dead and draped over the saddle. Dale ran out to Roy and exclaimed, "Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes."
(tune of chatanooga choo choo)
Okay, I'm done.
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