LOL, funny and great review!
I'm a former vegetarian, I'm ok with dairy and vegetable enzyme cheeses (as opposed to rennet), but Son and DDiL are full vegan. For me, part of the joy of cheese is the melting it and none of the substitutes I've found do that well although some are fine in a sandwich.
I've never been a big fan of analogs (vegan/vegetarian "fake" meats and such), but they have certainly gotten better over the years and I live in a wonderful area for foodies. Back in the 1970s, all I had in Alaska was Hain's Vegetarian Chili, my store didn't even have non-lard refried beans.
I use Bob's Red Mill Nutritional Yeast flakes for the cheezey sauce. I find smoked paprika really helps, but I'm still looking for my favorite combination of ingredients and techniques. I usually forget to soak cashews ahead of time, they are often used so I use recipes that don't need them. For Thanksgiving I made green bean casserole using fresh green beans, the cheezey sauce, fresh mushrooms and french fried onion rings (checked ingredients of store brand, they were fine).