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Thread: The Class Reunion (guaranteed to make you laugh)

  1. #1
    Super Member Ditter43's Avatar
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    I had prepared for it like any intelligent woman would.

    I went on a starvation diet the day before, knowing that all the extra weight would just melt off in 24 hours, leaving me with my sleek, trim, high-school-girl body. The last forty years of careful cellulite collection would just be gone with a snap of a finger.

    I knew if I didn't eat a morsel on Friday, that I could probably fit into my senior formal on Saturday. Trotting up to the attic, I pulled the gown out of the garment bag, carried it lovingly downstairs, ran my hand over the fabric, and hung it on the door.

    I stripped naked, looked in the mirror, sighed, and thought, "Well, okay, maybe if I shift it all to the back ..." Bodies never have pockets where you need them.

    Bravely I took the gown off the hanger, unzipped the shimmering dress and stepped gingerly into it. I struggled, twisted, turned, and pulled and I got the formal all the way up to my knees ... before the zipper gave out. I was disappointed. I wanted to wear that dress with those silver sandals again and dance the night away.

    Okay, one setback was not going to spoil my mood for this affair. No way! Rolling the dress into a ball and tossing it into the corner, I turned to Plan B: the black crepe caftan.

    I gathered up all the goodies that I had purchased at Saks: the scented shower gel; the body building and highlighting shampoo and conditioner; the split-end killer and shine enhancer. Soon my hair would look like that girl's in the Pantene ads.

    Then the makeup -- the under eye "ain't no lines here" firming cream, the all-day face-lifting gravity-fighting moisturizer with wrinkle filler spackle; the 'all day kiss me till my lips bleed, and see if this gloss will come off' lipstick, the bronzing face powder for that special glow.

    But first, the roll-on facial hair remover. I could feel the wrinkles shuddering in fear.

    Okay, time to get ready! I jumped into the steaming shower, soaped, lathered, rinsed, shaved, tweezed, buffed, scrubbed and scoured my body to a tingling pink.

    I plastered my freshly scrubbed face with the anti-wrinkle, gravity fighting "your face will look like a baby's posterior" face cream. I set my hair on hot rollers.

    I felt wonderful. Ready to take on the world. Or in this instance, my underwear. With the towel firmly wrapped around my glistening body, I pulled out the black lace, tummy-tucking, cellulite-pushing, ham hock-rounding girdle, and the matching "lifting those bosoms like they're filled with helium" bra.

    I greased my body with the scented body lotion and began the plunge. I pulled, stretched, tugged, hiked, folded, tucked, twisted, shimmied, hopped, pushed, wiggled, snapped, shook, caterpillar crawled and kicked. Sweat poured off my forehead but I was done. And it didn't look bad.

    So I rested. A well deserved rest, too.

    The girdle was on my body. Bounce a quarter off my behind? It was tighter than a trampoline. Can you say, "Rubber baby buggy bumper buns?" Okay, so I had to take baby steps, and walk sideways, and I couldn't move from my buns to my knees. But I was firm!

    Oh no ... I had to go to the bathroom. And there wasn't a snap crotch. From now on, undies gotta have a snap crotch. I was ready to rip it open and re-stitch the crotch with Velcro, but the pain factor from past experiments was still fresh in my mind. I quickly sidestepped to the bathroom.

    An hour later, I had answered nature's call and repeated the struggle into the girdle. I was ready for the bra. I remembered what the saleslady said to do. I could see her glossed lips mouthing, "Do not fasten the bra in the front, and twist it around. Put the bra on the way it should be worn -- straps over the shoulders. Then bend over and gently place both breasts inside the cups."

    Easy if you have four hands. But, with confidence, I put my arms into the holsters, bent over and pulled the bra down ... but the boobs weren't cooperating. I'd no sooner tuck one in a cup, and while placing the other, the first would slip out. I needed a strategy. I bounced up and down a few times, tried to dribble them in with short bunny hops, but that didn't work. So, while bent over, I began rocking gently back and forth on my heel and toes and I set 'em to swinging. Finally, on the fourth swing, pause, and lift, I captured the gliding glands. Quickly fastening the back of the bra,
    I stood up for examination.

    Back straight, slightly arched, I turned and faced the mirror, turning front, and then sideways. I smiled, yes, Houston , we have lift up!

    My breasts were high, firm and there was cleavage! I was happy until I tried to look down. I had a chin rest. And I couldn't see my feet.

    I still had to put on my pantyhose, and shoes. Oh ... why did I buy heels with buckles?

    Then I had to pee again. ........

    6:00 pm

    So I put on my sweats, fixed myself a drink, ordered pizza, and skipped the high school reunion.

  2. #2
    Senior Member jlong's Avatar
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    laughing very loudly here

  3. #3
    granniebj's Avatar
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    lmao.........too funny!

  4. #4
    Super Member
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    Way too funny!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. #5
    Power Poster erstan947's Avatar
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    yep! been there.......

  6. #6
    thismomquilts's Avatar
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    very funny - just had a 30th reunion - I can SO relate!!

  7. #7
    Super Member dakotamaid's Avatar
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    HEHEHEHEHEHE!!!!! My side hurts, that is one for the day!! I can relate!

  8. #8
    Senior Member pstoner's Avatar
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    got to love this, good thing I missed the last three of mine!!

  9. #9
    Power Poster lynnie's Avatar
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    lmao

  10. #10
    Power Poster sueisallaboutquilts's Avatar
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    Precisely why I don't do reunions lol :D

  11. #11
    Super Member amandasgramma's Avatar
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    OMG...that is SOOOOO funny!!! And unfortunately, TOOOOO true!!! Thanks for the laugh!

  12. #12
    Power Poster CarrieAnne's Avatar
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    LOL! I've never been to one either!

  13. #13

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    You are so funny. Thanks for sharing....keep them coming :lol: :lol: :lol:

  14. #14
    Super Member susie0808's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sueisallaboutquilts
    Precisely why I don't do reunions lol :D
    Me too!!!!

  15. #15
    Senior Member
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    Yeah and I've been getting notifications of my 40th for next year!

  16. #16
    Super Member oksewglad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Suzanne57
    Yeah and I've been getting notifications of my 40th for next year!
    My 40th is next month! Don't think I'll go through all that hassle when I go! Remember, I am young and thin on the inside!

  17. #17
    Super Member Joanie2's Avatar
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    Beyond hilarious! Uh Oh! Now I have to pee!

  18. #18
    Super Member C.Cal Quilt Girl's Avatar
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    Oh too much, smiles, grin, giggle, LOL... Love it!!

    Do go to mine and are on the committee, have always enjoyed hearing whats up w/all to me it's fun, could care less about all the things ya know, skinny, hair, success, $$, more concern w/who's alive etc. and only at 30th next time around. So I'll give you my Reunion committee speech. Most who attend don't worry about all the above listed stuff, just want to see you !! Then can go home and back to your regular life. have a good time, don't need to take them with you (unless your like the one in our class that Married the guy after hooking up w/after our 10th !!) Don't get offended if you haven't been contacted call the committee up and help out! Never know what has happened, so one committee changed computer formats and lost all data on classmates, fire, flood, lost. Had one person not happy he wasn't invited, we talked about it, he decided to call, and had a wonderful time, they had lost him in moves.
    Whew... off my box now :)
    Look who our ad is by LOL again!!

  19. #19
    Senior Member spinnergs's Avatar
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    It wouldn't matter if we had our 40th, I would not recognize anyone now anyhow. They have changed, hair, no hair, gray hair, body types, glasses, hearing aids etc. and I have lost my mind somewhere. Love the story!

  20. #20
    Power Poster earthwalker's Avatar
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    Knew there was a reason I avoid reunions of any description! Thanks for the laughs ... you are a gem Ditter.

  21. #21
    Ms. Shawn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ditter43
    I had prepared for it like any intelligent woman would.

    I went on a starvation diet the day before, knowing that all the extra weight would just melt off in 24 hours, leaving me with my sleek, trim, high-school-girl body. The last forty years of careful cellulite collection would just be gone with a snap of a finger.

    I knew if I didn't eat a morsel on Friday, that I could probably fit into my senior formal on Saturday. Trotting up to the attic, I pulled the gown out of the garment bag, carried it lovingly downstairs, ran my hand over the fabric, and hung it on the door.

    I stripped naked, looked in the mirror, sighed, and thought, "Well, okay, maybe if I shift it all to the back ..." Bodies never have pockets where you need them.

    Bravely I took the gown off the hanger, unzipped the shimmering dress and stepped gingerly into it. I struggled, twisted, turned, and pulled and I got the formal all the way up to my knees ... before the zipper gave out. I was disappointed. I wanted to wear that dress with those silver sandals again and dance the night away.

    Okay, one setback was not going to spoil my mood for this affair. No way! Rolling the dress into a ball and tossing it into the corner, I turned to Plan B: the black crepe caftan.

    I gathered up all the goodies that I had purchased at Saks: the scented shower gel; the body building and highlighting shampoo and conditioner; the split-end killer and shine enhancer. Soon my hair would look like that girl's in the Pantene ads.

    Then the makeup -- the under eye "ain't no lines here" firming cream, the all-day face-lifting gravity-fighting moisturizer with wrinkle filler spackle; the 'all day kiss me till my lips bleed, and see if this gloss will come off' lipstick, the bronzing face powder for that special glow.

    But first, the roll-on facial hair remover. I could feel the wrinkles shuddering in fear.

    Okay, time to get ready! I jumped into the steaming shower, soaped, lathered, rinsed, shaved, tweezed, buffed, scrubbed and scoured my body to a tingling pink.

    I plastered my freshly scrubbed face with the anti-wrinkle, gravity fighting "your face will look like a baby's posterior" face cream. I set my hair on hot rollers.

    I felt wonderful. Ready to take on the world. Or in this instance, my underwear. With the towel firmly wrapped around my glistening body, I pulled out the black lace, tummy-tucking, cellulite-pushing, ham hock-rounding girdle, and the matching "lifting those bosoms like they're filled with helium" bra.

    I greased my body with the scented body lotion and began the plunge. I pulled, stretched, tugged, hiked, folded, tucked, twisted, shimmied, hopped, pushed, wiggled, snapped, shook, caterpillar crawled and kicked. Sweat poured off my forehead but I was done. And it didn't look bad.

    So I rested. A well deserved rest, too.

    The girdle was on my body. Bounce a quarter off my behind? It was tighter than a trampoline. Can you say, "Rubber baby buggy bumper buns?" Okay, so I had to take baby steps, and walk sideways, and I couldn't move from my buns to my knees. But I was firm!

    Oh no ... I had to go to the bathroom. And there wasn't a snap crotch. From now on, undies gotta have a snap crotch. I was ready to rip it open and re-stitch the crotch with Velcro, but the pain factor from past experiments was still fresh in my mind. I quickly sidestepped to the bathroom.

    An hour later, I had answered nature's call and repeated the struggle into the girdle. I was ready for the bra. I remembered what the saleslady said to do. I could see her glossed lips mouthing, "Do not fasten the bra in the front, and twist it around. Put the bra on the way it should be worn -- straps over the shoulders. Then bend over and gently place both breasts inside the cups."

    Easy if you have four hands. But, with confidence, I put my arms into the holsters, bent over and pulled the bra down ... but the boobs weren't cooperating. I'd no sooner tuck one in a cup, and while placing the other, the first would slip out. I needed a strategy. I bounced up and down a few times, tried to dribble them in with short bunny hops, but that didn't work. So, while bent over, I began rocking gently back and forth on my heel and toes and I set 'em to swinging. Finally, on the fourth swing, pause, and lift, I captured the gliding glands. Quickly fastening the back of the bra,
    I stood up for examination.

    Back straight, slightly arched, I turned and faced the mirror, turning front, and then sideways. I smiled, yes, Houston , we have lift up!

    My breasts were high, firm and there was cleavage! I was happy until I tried to look down. I had a chin rest. And I couldn't see my feet.

    I still had to put on my pantyhose, and shoes. Oh ... why did I buy heels with buckles?

    Then I had to pee again. ........

    6:00 pm

    So I put on my sweats, fixed myself a drink, ordered pizza, and skipped the high school reunion.
    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :roll: :roll: :roll: :thumbup: :oops: :mrgreen: :thumbup:

  22. #22
    Super Member Rebecca VLQ's Avatar
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    LOL! :D

    ETA: DH's 20 year is next summer, and we'll be going. We've moved 3 x since we've been together, and he's moved at LEAST that many times before we got married so we know it's hard to catch everyone. Thank goodness for facebook!

  23. #23
    Senior Member
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    too funny! got my laugh for today.

  24. #24
    Super Member dphelps's Avatar
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    Too, Too Funny. exactly why I don't go either. Yes, keep them coming. You are the best.

  25. #25
    Super Member QBeth's Avatar
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    If I were even to consider going to any reunion, it would take preparations and planning not seen since the D-Day invasion! _:-)_ And, if you want me NOT to put it on backwards and turn to the front, then design a bra with super atom-colliding magnets that I can fling in the right direction and catch automatically! Sure, I might disrupt power lines and satellite tv but who cares?!!

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