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Thread: Dreaming of owning a home....

  1. #1
    Member rebeccai's Avatar
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    I've been doing a lot of thinking and wishing lately. My husband and I have lived in an apartment for almost 10 years!! That is a lot of money down the drain. I remember when we first got married he was excited about saving money to purchase our first home. But I feel he has gotten too comfortable with us living here because he no longer talks about us looking into purchasing a house. We are both in our early 30's with no children. Unfortunately, after trying for almost 3-1/2 years I miscarried our first child last Nov. :cry: We have a wonderful marriage, great careers, good credit, and live about 1-1/2 from our hometown. However, every time I mention that we should look into purchasing a house, he gets frustrated with me and tells me he is too busy with work right now, and/or he tells me that we first need to stop eating out so much. I really don't understand what is the harm into finding information and taking the steps into buying a home. I understand it is a big commitment but one that we need to undertake. So my question to all of my QB friends is, how do I approach this situation without sounding like a nagging wife? All I want is a place that we can call our own and to be able to raise a family in. Is this so wrong?

    I even took it a step further yesterday. I saw on the news that there is a new community in our city where they are building affordable houses starting at 130 thousand. I found the courage to walk into their office yesterday and find out information. I was given a packet with different floor plans and I was told that these houses are going quick. The first phase of houses have all been sold and starting in Nov, they will start phase 2 of building more houses in this area. I was told that we can be placed on a NO OBLIGATION waiting list. This would give us time to get pre-approved. I was told if we are pre-approved by Nov. then we would be able to start the process of getting our house built. With a closing and move in date of April or May of next year. But I haven't showed the packet to my husband. I feel guilty of getting this information yesterday without his consent. Even if this amount is too pricey I just want him to understand that I will be happy with whatever we can afford just as long as it is a place the we can call our own.

  2. #2
    Super Member Mamagus's Avatar
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    If you have to get "his consent" to look at a brochure, you are not in a very healthy relationship.
    Do you work? Are you both saving? Seems to this old woman, that you have to do more than have a dream and if he isn't interested in your dreams then you have a huge problem.

  3. #3
    Super Member Ripped on Scotch's Avatar
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    My husband was convinced that we couldn't look at houses. At least until we sat down with the bank and they told us the cost and we did the math. Perhaps that is what your husband is worried about to. There is a cost difference but not always a big one. Maybe you can ask him to go to the bank and just discuss it as an option with them to see what you are approved for and then he may get more excited for it when he realizes that it is possible.

  4. #4
    Super Member DebraK's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ripped on Scotch
    My husband was convinced that we couldn't look at houses. At least until we sat down with the bank and they told us the cost and we did the math. Perhaps that is what your husband is worried about to. There is a cost difference but not always a big one. Maybe you can ask him to go to the bank and just discuss it as an option with them to see what you are approved for and then he may get more excited for it when he realizes that it is possible.
    yes, go ahead and get pre approved. That's half the battle and you'll be ready when something comes up.

  5. #5
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    I agree with Mamagus
    Quote Originally Posted by Mamagus
    If you have to get "his consent" to look at a brochure, you are not in a very healthy relationship.
    Do you work? Are you both saving? Seems to this old woman, that you have to do more than have a dream and if he isn't interested in your dreams then you have a huge problem.

  6. #6
    Super Member Peckish's Avatar
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    It sounds to me like he's terrified. You need to find out what he's scared of. Is he scared because so many people nowadays are losing their homes? Does he think you can't afford a house payment? Does he not want to deal with the maintenance and upkeep a house requires?

    You really need to figure out how much your house payment should be, and shop from that point. DO NOT rely upon the numbers the bank gives you. Your house payment should be 1/4 your take-home pay. If you end up having children, you will probably want to figure this on your husband's income alone, at least for the first couple of years of the child's life, which means either a low payment or a nice fat savings account. There are lots of mortgage calculators on the internet - google them and find one that will help you find what you can afford. This first step might help your husband.

    Good luck.

  7. #7
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    For sure you should persue owning your own home. It is a little scary at first but as you said, for ten years you have just lost all that money. I think your husband is feeling a bit overwhelmed making that big committment. It is a huge step but once you accept it and think of it as being your own that should help his concerns.

    I say, go for it now while you are still young!!!!

    sandy14

  8. #8
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    just remember, Suze Orman now says that owning your own home is the biggest financial mistake you can make in this economy!
    Of course I say start small...owning land is more important than having a HUGE mortgage..and having even a NEW home can come with tons of issues! Like cheap Chinese drywall, bad chemicals on the carpet, etc...he might be concerned about these things...

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by rebeccai
    That is a lot of money down the drain. I remember when we first got married he was excited about saving money to purchase our first home. But I feel he has gotten too comfortable with us living here because he no longer talks about us looking into purchasing a house.
    Did you have a roof over your head for the last decade?
    Read the papers recently about the value of homes?
    Had you bought 10 years ago, your house would be worth about the same (or not much more) today.
    Plus you would have had all the costs of ownership (insurance, maintenance,etc).

    And if you've been saving all along for the "dream" house, you're way ahead of those in your situation who did buy 5 years ago. WAY ahead. You should be sitting on a very nice nest egg.

    Prices aren't going up, and it's possible there could be another dip.
    The good thing is, hopefully, the bank won't just be handing out a mortgage is you're not qualified. No more BS, no doc paperwork.

    And as for the borker speak - "buy now or be priced out forever" :roll: - they were saying the same thing in 2004 and 2005 and 2006 and 2007 - and look where those buyers are now.
    In foreclosure. Or underwater.

    I'm not at all knocking the home ownership aspect.
    I understand the emotional implications and attachment.
    But you need to take a starter course in basic home ownership finance before getting any closer to this transaction.

  10. #10
    Senior Member lindy-2's Avatar
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    i would try to sit down and talk about buying a home and them if he agreas to it go talk to the bank. harmony in the home is much more important than owning your oun home.

  11. #11
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    You did the right thing in going to get information on your own.Just be persistent about it in a nice way:) My husband and I have been married for over 40 years and I still like to tease him that we would still be living in my parents' apartment, where we lived for about the first 6 months of our marriage, if I hadn't kept after him. And don't worry about talking to the builders without telling him before hand. Sometimes we put those restrictions on ourselves. Hang in there!

  12. #12
    Super Member SuziC's Avatar
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    Seems to me that you both need to sit down and have a real conversation on the topic of buying a house. Maybe there are valid reasons he is not "ready" but whatever it is you both need to be on the same page. I wish you the best, let us know :lol:

  13. #13
    Senior Member mizkyp's Avatar
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    This is a great time to buy a house. It never hurts to look at them and see whats out there. Try taking him to a couple open houses. Good Luck!!!!

  14. #14
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    I'm not sure what it's like in Texas but in Florida there are many houses and condos for sale for very reasonable prices. If you have good credit and secure income(s), it may be the right time to make the move. On the other hand, it could be that something else is on your husband's mind. Hope you can have some healthy conversations together soon.

  15. #15
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    I think that I would look at homes that have had all the bugs worked out of them. Some of the new ones may have terrible flaws in them. But if you insist on a brand new one, then go for it.
    If you know anyone who inspects new and old houses for insurance companies, that is the person to talk to. I did that when a family member wanted to buy a house in one of the new developments right out of town. He told me one group cut corners and those houses would have some serious problems down the road and were being made to clean them up, but the other out of town group had a very good reputation, and he passed all of them. They bought one of those houses and are still pleased at it, 2 years on.
    I'd do as others suggested, have a good talk with your DH. Maybe he's worried about a health problem he doesn't want to bother you with. Or perhaps he suspects that he may lose his job, or you might. Straight talking is the only thing to do when one of a couple wants something and the other one does not.

  16. #16
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    Also you will save on Income tax. Yes, I think you could buy a house and not be in a financial bind. The old rule was - price of house equal to 2.5 times your yearly salarey. I don't think you will go wrong to buy a house. You only have to make each month's payment the same as your rent. You don't have to think that 130,000 is hanging over your head all the time. I am not a realtor but bought my first house at 21. Reading the financial columms in the newspaper helped me to understand that it was a good deal. I am now in my 4th house.
    Don't let him see that you were talking on here, he will feel pressured and balk just like horse. I will stop preaching now and wish you GOOD Luck with your decision.

  17. #17
    Super Member SherriB's Avatar
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    My husband is the direct opposite. DH would not even consider renting. To him, it was just throwing money out the window. We bought our home 25 years ago and it about 5 years from now, it will be paid for!!!!! It is small, only 3 bedrooms, 2 baths, but it is perfect for us. What we owe is less than most people pay for a down payment. We consider ourselves very lucky. If the worst came and DH lost his job, I could still make our house payments without any problems.

    You can get insurance that would pay off your loan if something happened to your or your DH. It may be expensive, but something to consider. My parents had it and it paid off our home when my Daddy died.

    I wish you the best of luck!

  18. #18
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    IF you can't talk to your mate, who can you talk to?
    Why don't you try not eating out so much as he expressed that as a concern? Show him you have your heart set on it.

  19. #19
    Senior Member RatherB Quilting's Avatar
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    The only advice I would give, besides that keeping the lines of communication open with your husband is THE MOST important thing you can do...is be careful with these new housing developments. They talk pretty...but make sure they tell you all about the home owners association fees you will probably have to pay ON TOP of your mortgage. And the fact that you will probably have to pass everything by the association right down to what color flowers you can plant by your walkway (and IF you can plant flowers by your walkway.) And the fact that as the development grows, so will your property taxes.
    Yep...you guessed it, my Hubster and I bought in a development. The house was amazing and we LOVED it, but we couldn't afford to keep it because of the mounting hidden costs. We lost out big when we tried to sell it. The developer was underselling all the homeowners trying to sell.
    However, I think that you shouldn't do too much leg work without including him. This is a decision you BOTH need to make TOGETHER! You need to tell him how you feel. Just cuz he gets upset, doesn't mean there is a problem in your marriage, just means you need to find a more effective way to communicate with him.
    Good luck. I share your dream of having a home someday. (We have land...but can't build.)

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by RatherB Quilting
    They talk pretty...but make sure they tell you all about the home owners association fees you will probably have to pay ON TOP of your mortgage.
    Sorry, but if this was a surprise to anyone looking at an HOA or condo development, then that was a pretty uninformed buyer.

  21. #21
    Super Member Peckish's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jaciqltznok
    just remember, Suze Orman now says that owning your own home is the biggest financial mistake you can make in this economy!
    What a crock. The low prices combined with the low interest rates make this one of the absolute BEST times in history to buy a house.

  22. #22
    Super Member Ripped on Scotch's Avatar
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    the only thing I would add would be not to go to the top of what you get pre-approved for. Its not worth being house poor. And don't let anyone tell you that you'll be ok going higher. Make your budget and stick to it.

  23. #23
    Power Poster earthwalker's Avatar
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    I'm not in the USA so I can't really comment on the state of your economy or housing prices etc. However, I can speak from my experience. Firstly, you need to get on the same page as your partner...if he is dead set against home-ownership (for whatever reason) and you are the opposite, well, there is a fundamental problem. You need to decide if you are both going in the same direction. Secondly, get into the habit of a regular savings plan and household budget. If you do decide to buy - buy a small, affordable, established home in a good area. If you can, buy the worst house in the best street. New is not necessarily better and if you are inexperienced in property, while you are building up your deposit, research, research, research. Then if you do make a decision to buy you will have no nasty surprises happen. Also, if committing to buying, get a pre-purchase property inspection by a reputable engineer/builder of your choosing - it costs - but if you are not familiar with building codes/construction it is a very sensible idea.

    There are many things to consider. Always factor in potential dramas - backup savings for emergencies, money for insurance/rates/taxes/household utilities/repairs. Make sure your mortgage terms are clearly understood, factor in any rises in interest rates. Don't bite off more than you can chew...you don't need a huge glamour house and brand new furniture first up - and ditch your credit cards -debit cards are the way to go.

    Sorry for the rant-fest, but nothing upsets me more than inexperienced buyers being fleeced by dodgy finance deals, rogue real estate agents or picket fence dreams than are unrealistic and down the track...detrimental.

    Don't be timid about approaching difficult subjects with your partner. You are both adults with the right to your own opinions, but you are partners, so need to have a few common goals. Good Luck and I hope it all works out for you.

  24. #24
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    Is he secure in his job or worried that he might lose it? With unemployment so high he might be worried about that.

    It also might worry him that if you do eventually have children you might want to stay home and leave your job leaving the whole financial responsibility on him.

    Owning a home is a lot of work but well worth it. Show him the brochure. That might kick start him. Do you have friends that own a home? With home ownership comes a lot of responsibility but you do know that. Maybe if you went out to dinner less, like he suggested, he might see that you're more willing to give up something to get a home.

    Don't give up.

  25. #25
    Senior Member qbquilts's Avatar
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    Since he's worried about "eating out" too much, which I presume to be his frustration with the family budget, see if he'll sit down with you and make a budget. I'm assuming that a mortgage payment (including taxes, insurance, and any PMI) will be more than the rent that you're paying now. Start including the difference in your budget, directing it to savings specifically for the house and/or move, depending on what other savings you've got. Remember for a budget to be liveable, it must be realistic. If you and DH could realistically live on the budget, try to do so for a few months. That may ease his "eating out too much" mindset.

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