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Thread: I just don't understand my sister

  1. #26
    Super Member Moonpi's Avatar
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    Ben Frankin one said that you never really know someone until you share an estate with them. I spent more money trying to stop being robbed of my inheritance than it was worth, then finally had to just give up.

  2. #27
    Power Poster sandpat's Avatar
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    Pam, I'm sorry that you are having to go through that. Its bad enough to suffer the loss of a loved one....and then on top of that to deal with inheritance issues....very sad.

    I once heard it said that "People have exactly as much money as they can handle"...lots of times, that seems to be right.

  3. #28
    Super Member omak's Avatar
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    This is why the poor will always be among us.
    Not everyone is wise with their money, and that is their right. You cannot save them from themselves, nor can you live their lives for them.
    It may be frustrating, but I suppose your father knew exactly who each of you were. He was a gracious man who knew how to be fair, and you can be thankful that he was a generous man also. The fact that some take the gift for granted isn't your problem. Your father never made it his it doesn't sound like.
    Family members do not always do what we think they should in the manner we would wish they would. Not our problem. All we are called to do is love them in the manner we choose, regardless of the response, but the response must be who they are - - NOT what we think they should do because we did something. You do not have to love her because she is your sister, but if you do love her, you must love her without strings and expectations - - that would be manipulation, and you wouldn't want to do that.

  4. #29
    Super Member omak's Avatar
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    So! Then I go back and read the rest of the thread, and lo and behold, if you don't know that I hadn't read the whole thing ... you would think that I am really pouring on!
    To those who wrote honestly from their own experience, the reason I could write what I wrote is because I have spent most of my life being a foolish woman. Very head strong, very willful, and very rebellious, always thinking I was a woman fully-growed, so by golly, I KNEW what was the answer. After all - - don't all adults know everything?
    Well, no, they don't ... we know a lot of things, but self-discipline is not an easy thing to master. I tend to be a hard learner, which means ... I don't automatically take someone else's word for gospel.
    What has been really frustrating is I KNEW what to do correctly, I just simply chose to do something easier ... the fact that I lived long enough to figure out a different way to do things and handle myself speaks more for God's grace and mercy than my being so smart.
    My previous response was to Pam, directly, without reading what anyone else wrote, and if I sounded belittling or disregarding of everyone else, that was not my intent ... I was speaking from where I came from ... and, the lesson I learned about giving love to my family because that is what I wanted to do, while avoiding being frustrated when they didn't respond exactly as I envisioned. When I learned to love regardless of the outcome, my relationship with my family changed and I became more free to be the person I wanted to be, and get better than I had been.

  5. #30
    Moderator littlehud's Avatar
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    My mother was always a saver and had a nice nest egg set aside for my dad and her. She was diagnosed with cancer and passed away in less than a year. My dad has spent most of the savings on things that help make him happy. He once commented he was spending our inheritance. Sis and I set him straight. He is spending the money he has spent his whole life earning. It's his and we want him to enjoy it. My brother ( who visits once every three months if dad is lucky and I might add live a little over an hour away ) has urged my sis and I to stop dad from spending all the money. I think he was hoping for an inheritance. My sis and I just enjoy our time with dad and are happy to see him happy. Families can be challenging.

  6. #31
    Super Member JoanneS's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pittsburgpam

    I wonder if she knows that inheritance is not community property, even in a divorce, unless the money has been put into a joint account and co-mingled with joint assets. My other sister is married and she knew that, put the money into an account in her name only which is just what her husband said she should do because it is hers to do with as she wishes, not theirs. But her husband is a great guy too.
    Pam, perhaps you or your brother should find a way to tell this to your sister, even if you suspect she will rant and rave at you. It will give you a little peace of mind that you gave her the information. If she doesn't act on it, it won't be something for you to blame yourself for.

  7. #32
    Super Member ScubaK's Avatar
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    This is so sad to hear and sorry that you are going through it...
    I cannot begin to tell you my nightmare when my Father passed away and then my mother less than a year later...
    The effects felt throughout my family is devestating because no one talks to one another now...and I can't really understand why?
    It is awful when parents die...
    I also work with a young girl (27 or so) that is getting an inheritance from a deceased Aunt...like 30K every coulple of months and has blown every penny...I mean every penny and nothing to show for it but a "bunch of friends" that are enjoying every minute of it!!!
    kirsten

  8. #33
    jacquemoe's Avatar
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    I know how hard it is for you to understand what your sister has chosen to do with her life and how hard it is for you to accept that. It's a shame that we can't control those that behave in a manner that is self destructive. Fighting with her about it isn't going to change a thing so just care for your sister and feel sad that she is so self destructive. There isn't a thing you can do but stir up ill feelings, no matter who is right. She's going to do what she's going to do. Isn't it such a shame? The rest of you have your own choices to make. I'd start with, "NO", lol.

  9. #34
    Power Poster Mousie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by littlehud
    My mother was always a saver and had a nice nest egg set aside for my dad and her. She was diagnosed with cancer and passed away in less than a year. My dad has spent most of the savings on things that help make him happy. He once commented he was spending our inheritance. Sis and I set him straight. He is spending the money he has spent his whole life earning. It's his and we want him to enjoy it. My brother ( who visits once every three months if dad is lucky and I might add live a little over an hour away ) has urged my sis and I to stop dad from spending all the money. I think he was hoping for an inheritance. My sis and I just enjoy our time with dad and are happy to see him happy. Families can be challenging.
    littlehud, that is why I said, hubby and I don't count our chickens...they are not ours to count, until the dirt has been laid over, and the flowers planted. I don't covet, what belongs to others,...I joke about it, but like you and your sister, I want to see his dad, and my mom, enjoy their lives.
    Mom, has little to leave, and most will be to my brother that lives with her. I think that is the way it should be. He takes care of her. He does all the driving, they do everything together.
    He was in love and got burned, and decided marriage was overrated. She took his money, and broke his heart, and he is such a wonderful person. He deserves to get the land and the house.
    Hubby's dad lived thru the depression, and still uses a paper towel, five times, before tossing, keeps his house about 85-90 degrees...hubby can't breathe in it, so he will turn it down, if we say something.
    He sits in the dark, rather than turn a light on...and yes, it does depress him, but you can't tell him that.
    He was stingy with his family when he had them with him, so now, he doesn't feel worthy. I always say, what goes around, comes around, although, I am a very forgiving person, and wish he would forgive himself. He goes to church, but he still battles with the consequences of the life he lived. That happens often. Just bc we get forgiven, doesn't mean we escape scars. It means we get some mercy, in spite of what we have done. This is a deep thread, but stuff we all have to think about, sooner or later. It's good to explore these issues, before it's time to be smacked in the face with them. hugs to all. ttfn.

  10. #35
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    Its sad to say but once its in her hands, its hers to do with whatever she wants. I too went thru thru this when my dad died. My brother being the oldest got first pick of everything.,,, But mom was devestated to find out later he sold everything. (rifles my grandfather built, jewlery , computer , clothes etc) for drugs. It made me sick to my stomach. But it was given to him, so I bit my tongue. :(
    PS..... Later (a few months) my Bro asked mom to borrow money for rent. She said no. He never talked to her again (15 yrs) til the day before she died (hospital)

  11. #36
    Super Member Darlene's Avatar
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    People have different value systems and sometimes they don't realize how to take of their money. Just be thankful that you have a sister to worry about it.

  12. #37
    Senior Member Shelley's Avatar
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    My husband has had several older family members pass away, and he has been the executor (or helped his mom who should never have been named executor) on several of them. The attorneys have told us that estates that are all money are way easier to do than those that involve farm land. Even if you give each one the same amount of acres, some acres are better than others. If you try to divide it by production value of the land, so that all get about the same potential for income, then those who don't understand farming get all bent out of shape.

    When my dad asked me what I wanted out of his estate, I told him that I wanted him to live long enough that his last nickle put him in the ground. If there's anything left, I would be happy with whatever he thinks I deserve. Both him and his wife about fell out of their chairs.

    It was not the response my sisters gave......"I want this, I want this, I want this....."


  13. #38
    Super Member pittsburgpam's Avatar
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    Thanks everyone for sharing your stories and thoughts. I love my sister and she is free to do what she wants, of course. I am sorry that she isn't being more careful considering what she's gone through. But I suppose that she wouldn't have gone through a lot of it if she had been. I really will not be surprised if they are asking for money in short order as she knows what everyone received. It is one thing if there were circumstances beyond their control and needed help. Quite another to spend everything they have on things like a Mercedes and a week at the lake. I will be saying No. Everything is going into my retirement accounts and CDs so it won't be very liquid anyway.

    We have seen little of them, they haven't come to the house at all to get anything that they want. My brother called for weeks leaving messages but never a response until he told her he had a cashier's check. Then, when he went to her house to give it to her, she and her family were asking why my son got the muscle car that was my parents'. Her kids wanted it. He told her that the car needs work and my son is able to do it. None of her kids are working and wouldn't be able to. My son adores that car, as any 23 year old young man would. He will treasure it and to show how much he called me the next morning after picking it up to tell me that he woke up and thought it was all a dream that it was really his. He was offered a brand new pickup in exchange for it and declined.

    As my brother said, "someone needs a course in money management" but you can't make them do anything.

  14. #39
    Power Poster Rhonda's Avatar
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    When my grandfather died there were lots of problems with how it was handled but it is long past now and I went out of my way to mend fences with family members that had been bent due to actions of my relatives that were less than honest. It also involved alot of land and it involve three farms split in several differant ways amidst a lot of hard feelings. But they are my only link to my dad's family and that is so important to me. This side told my mom when my dad died that she was no longer a part of the family so you can imagine the problems we had when she inherited part in my dad's place and I inherited part. It made for some interesting conversations telling me what I was going to or not going to do and as I stated above noone tells me what I can or can't do! My uncle who helped raise me thought he could control me and he found out I have a strong will of my own!!
    So I put that all aside and made peace. I want to know about my cousins lives through my aunt and I like to see pictures.

    My kids know that all I will leave them is the knowledge Jesus loves and saves them that their dad and I love them and the values we taught them so they could make informed decisions in their lives.

    I rely on the Lord and if there is any money it will be divided three ways between our children but it is not my priority and they all know that and agree.

    Pam I hope you and your sister can spend some quality time together! I am an only child and have always wished for a sister or brother.
    I hope you can enjoy your sister and look beyond her money troubles.

    We don't have to understand our loved ones we just need to love them because they need it as do we.

    Hope you feel a little better with all the support and listening hearts out here!! We are all behind you and pray for the best for you and your family!!

  15. #40
    Super Member pittsburgpam's Avatar
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    Everything has been divided very equitably, totally 4-ways. When my other sister, my brother and I have met at the house clearing it out, if someone wants some little thing they just ask the others and there haven't been any problems at all. We're not grasping or arguing about a thing and my brother complained that he has problems getting us to TAKE something! The only things I have accepted is 2 quilts of my grandmother's, some of her embroidery, a couple of pieces of probably 50's kitchenware, and the others agreed that I could have the old pictures and documents and be the "family archivist" as I had an interest in it. I also received a ruby ring of my mother's as it is both of our birthstones. These things mean more to me than anything else. Oh, there is a small dresser I said I would take that I can store quilts in.

    I WILL start having a dinner or lunch once a month and invite everyone over so that we don't drift apart.

  16. #41
    Power Poster Rhonda's Avatar
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    Sounds like you have a good handle on things! I am glad things are going well with everything else in your situation.
    I tried to get the grandkids(40 of us) to get together for a reunion when my grandmother died but it is hard to do to get them to come. I quit trying.

    I do envy you having brothers and sisters. My husband's brothers and sister don't get together anymore either since their dad died 11 years ago.

    So glad you will keep that connection going!

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