I just don't understand my sister
06-17-2009, 11:27 AM
#21
Power Poster
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 17,636
Rhonda, I am going to say something here, and I hope it's not hijacking, but I'm pretty sure, when Pam gets back to this, she won't mind.
I recently wrote a thread, and ppl thought I was brave to write something so personal and expose it to the world. Although I was touched deeply by all the replies, for me, and I'm not saying that was an easy thing to do...once upon a time, - no way! would I have put myself out there like that...but it was the subject that was so important, I felt I had to stand up, and say some things.
I think what you have said here, is bigger and braver than what I did.
Like somebody told me, you didn't have to tell anybody, but knowing you, like I do, you did it to help. You wanted ppl to see the other side of the coin, from a perspective, that they probably would not have gotten.
I agree, that there are ppl that are "stuck", in their ways, and can't see their way out, and frankly, at the time, not interested in stopping what they are doing, bc it is fun. We all get a taste of it, when we go overboard on fabrics, but, most of us, get the brakes on, before the lights get put out.
wow, that was a generous thing for you to do. I know you felt inspired to do it. You have turned your life around, (+), with help (+)...and your determined not to go back down that road.
What many don't know, is that a lot of times, the ppl doing the "excessives", are suffering from ocd behaviors, add, manic depression, anxiety....a lot of different things can cause these behaviors. I am not saying that if they are, that makes it right. not at all, but they have to want help, and go and get it. IMHO, they have to do an inside inventory too. If you fix the body and the mind, but not the soul...there's still a problem. It aint like the song, by meatloaf...2 out of 3, in this case, is bad. :roll:
thank you for sharing what could not have been an easy story to put out there, Rhonda. big hug for you. :D
I recently wrote a thread, and ppl thought I was brave to write something so personal and expose it to the world. Although I was touched deeply by all the replies, for me, and I'm not saying that was an easy thing to do...once upon a time, - no way! would I have put myself out there like that...but it was the subject that was so important, I felt I had to stand up, and say some things.
I think what you have said here, is bigger and braver than what I did.
Like somebody told me, you didn't have to tell anybody, but knowing you, like I do, you did it to help. You wanted ppl to see the other side of the coin, from a perspective, that they probably would not have gotten.
I agree, that there are ppl that are "stuck", in their ways, and can't see their way out, and frankly, at the time, not interested in stopping what they are doing, bc it is fun. We all get a taste of it, when we go overboard on fabrics, but, most of us, get the brakes on, before the lights get put out.
wow, that was a generous thing for you to do. I know you felt inspired to do it. You have turned your life around, (+), with help (+)...and your determined not to go back down that road.
What many don't know, is that a lot of times, the ppl doing the "excessives", are suffering from ocd behaviors, add, manic depression, anxiety....a lot of different things can cause these behaviors. I am not saying that if they are, that makes it right. not at all, but they have to want help, and go and get it. IMHO, they have to do an inside inventory too. If you fix the body and the mind, but not the soul...there's still a problem. It aint like the song, by meatloaf...2 out of 3, in this case, is bad. :roll:
thank you for sharing what could not have been an easy story to put out there, Rhonda. big hug for you. :D
06-17-2009, 12:07 PM
#22
Power Poster
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 15,639
It sounds like you and your sister have very different value systems, and I mean the term "different" not as a judgmental statement. She apparently lives in a world where borrowing and living above her means is acceptable, you do not. I don't think that you will ever see eye to eye on this topic and the things that you "want" for her are most likely not important to her. The best thing (IMHO) is to let her live her life as she sees fit, you enjoy yours, and if she comes to you for a loan, tell her no.
In California, there is no "right to inheritance" - I took a seminar on the topic, and I think it is great that your folks had the foresight to regulate their estate equitably.
Egypt sounds fabulous!
In California, there is no "right to inheritance" - I took a seminar on the topic, and I think it is great that your folks had the foresight to regulate their estate equitably.
Egypt sounds fabulous!
06-17-2009, 01:22 PM
#23
Power Poster
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Salem Iowa
Posts: 15,666
Originally Posted by quiltncrazy
Rhonda, I am going to say something here, and I hope it's not hijacking, but I'm pretty sure, when Pam gets back to this, she won't mind.
I recently wrote a thread, and ppl thought I was brave to write something so personal and expose it to the world. Although I was touched deeply by all the replies, for me, and I'm not saying that was an easy thing to do...once upon a time, - no way! would I have put myself out there like that...but it was the subject that was so important, I felt I had to stand up, and say some things.
I think what you have said here, is bigger and braver than what I did.
Like somebody told me, you didn't have to tell anybody, but knowing you, like I do, you did it to help. You wanted ppl to see the other side of the coin, from a perspective, that they probably would not have gotten.
I agree, that there are ppl that are "stuck", in their ways, and can't see their way out, and frankly, at the time, not interested in stopping what they are doing, bc it is fun. We all get a taste of it, when we go overboard on fabrics, but, most of us, get the brakes on, before the lights get put out.
wow, that was a generous thing for you to do. I know you felt inspired to do it. You have turned your life around, (+), with help (+)...and your determined not to go back down that road.
What many don't know, is that a lot of times, the ppl doing the "excessives", are suffering from ocd behaviors, add, manic depression, anxiety....a lot of different things can cause these behaviors. I am not saying that if they are, that makes it right. not at all, but they have to want help, and go and get it. IMHO, they have to do an inside inventory too. If you fix the body and the mind, but not the soul...there's still a problem. It aint like the song, by meatloaf...2 out of 3, in this case, is bad. :roll:
thank you for sharing what could not have been an easy story to put out there, Rhonda. big hug for you. :D
I recently wrote a thread, and ppl thought I was brave to write something so personal and expose it to the world. Although I was touched deeply by all the replies, for me, and I'm not saying that was an easy thing to do...once upon a time, - no way! would I have put myself out there like that...but it was the subject that was so important, I felt I had to stand up, and say some things.
I think what you have said here, is bigger and braver than what I did.
Like somebody told me, you didn't have to tell anybody, but knowing you, like I do, you did it to help. You wanted ppl to see the other side of the coin, from a perspective, that they probably would not have gotten.
I agree, that there are ppl that are "stuck", in their ways, and can't see their way out, and frankly, at the time, not interested in stopping what they are doing, bc it is fun. We all get a taste of it, when we go overboard on fabrics, but, most of us, get the brakes on, before the lights get put out.
wow, that was a generous thing for you to do. I know you felt inspired to do it. You have turned your life around, (+), with help (+)...and your determined not to go back down that road.
What many don't know, is that a lot of times, the ppl doing the "excessives", are suffering from ocd behaviors, add, manic depression, anxiety....a lot of different things can cause these behaviors. I am not saying that if they are, that makes it right. not at all, but they have to want help, and go and get it. IMHO, they have to do an inside inventory too. If you fix the body and the mind, but not the soul...there's still a problem. It aint like the song, by meatloaf...2 out of 3, in this case, is bad. :roll:
thank you for sharing what could not have been an easy story to put out there, Rhonda. big hug for you. :D
Any addiction is hard- this is also an addiction in my opinion because it is a behavior or set of mind that takes over your decision making process.
You want what you want and do what it takes to get what you want even when it hurts someone else. I just wanted to show that the person in this case the sister can some day come to the place where they realize what they are doing is harmful. In the meantime all the loved ones can do is be emotionally supporting but not necessarily handing out money. That may not be the right thing to do as giving someone a ciggarette is not the right way to stop the smoker's craving.
Live and Learn and thank the Lord with my mom's help I have conquered my bad behaviors. My mom pays my bills and i give her the money each month that way i can't be tempted to use it for other things. I have done this for 11 years now so it has helped me to learn a new way of thinking called a budget!! Which I can do now with my hands tied behind my back!! "Some trick huh?
There are ways to find help to help her but she has to want it first. It isn't easy to change!!!
Yes I always go away thinking why did I say that?!! Why did I say something so stupid!! But it is good to hear that I didn't say anything that is offensive to anyone. I would never do that on purpose!
06-17-2009, 01:50 PM
#24
Super Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 6,689
Pam, sorry you are going through this. I think a lot of families go through similiar things when a parent dies. My brother tried to sue me when my Dad died - too long of a story. All he got was 2 or 3 different attorney bills. We were estranged for quite a few years, though I did keep in touch with his children. Just before he died in 2006 at 64 yo, we did talk, but he never said he was sorry for what he did to me and that was ok. I hated that he died. He was the master of his own undoing, but could not see it. Sad.
Hope things get better for you and your family.
Hope things get better for you and your family.
06-17-2009, 02:40 PM
#25
Power Poster
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MN
Posts: 24,390
Originally Posted by Rhonda
I sympathize but I have to put in my two cents as I was that person who took advantage. My dad was a great dad but he liked to manipulate people and I learned how to do it really!!! well. My dad's side of the family have an attitude I inherited. Do what you want before doing what you should do. I still fight this as I am a big procrastinator but I do understand how someone like your sister could do what she is doing. I had a very!! large inheritance from my grandfather in my father's place as he had passed away.
I bought a van and gave my kids all money and used it to do whatever we wanted. We never had money to do anything when my kids were growing up. My husband had an excellent job but I was always making bad decisions money wise and doing things we couldn't afford.
So you get in the mind frame that I can't make it go far enough so I might as well do something that makes me feel good instead. I was always behind in payments and relied on my dad to get me out of trouble a lot!!
My husband's favorite saying was "We can't afford it but we're doing anyway!"
Then my dad died. I no longer had him to bail me out of jams! My mom does help me and she actually helped me straighten myself out eventually and now I pay my bills on time and am an honest responsible adult but it took me until I was 45 to see the light and get on the right road.
It is easy to tell yourself that you want it and I am going to have it no matter what!! It is a little like being an alcholic. This attitude is so ingrained that it is hard to change. Like quitting smoking it is a matter of rethinking how you act each and every day.
I still have to consciously choose not to do things that I would have done before. I choose not to misuse my money. But it isn't easy!
I never held myself accountable to anyone!! Not even my husband. I would do what ever I wanted no matter the cost.
So please don't judge her too harshly. Not everyone has the skills to be responsible. It takes time to grow up and understand there are better ways to live.
Noone could or can now tell me how to act or do anything!! You can not live her life for her. She has to be accountable for her own actions. You are not. I know it is hard to sit back and watch destructive behavior but there is not much you can do.
I hope you can find a way to let her go her own way. It is best for you if you can. In time I hope she will see that her behavior is self destructive but if she doesn't I am sure she still cares about you all. '
I do have to say tho that money is not my first priority my family is. Money may come and go but your loved ones are more important than any amount of money!! I hope the best for you and your family!! God Bless you and keep you!
I bought a van and gave my kids all money and used it to do whatever we wanted. We never had money to do anything when my kids were growing up. My husband had an excellent job but I was always making bad decisions money wise and doing things we couldn't afford.
So you get in the mind frame that I can't make it go far enough so I might as well do something that makes me feel good instead. I was always behind in payments and relied on my dad to get me out of trouble a lot!!
My husband's favorite saying was "We can't afford it but we're doing anyway!"
Then my dad died. I no longer had him to bail me out of jams! My mom does help me and she actually helped me straighten myself out eventually and now I pay my bills on time and am an honest responsible adult but it took me until I was 45 to see the light and get on the right road.
It is easy to tell yourself that you want it and I am going to have it no matter what!! It is a little like being an alcholic. This attitude is so ingrained that it is hard to change. Like quitting smoking it is a matter of rethinking how you act each and every day.
I still have to consciously choose not to do things that I would have done before. I choose not to misuse my money. But it isn't easy!
I never held myself accountable to anyone!! Not even my husband. I would do what ever I wanted no matter the cost.
So please don't judge her too harshly. Not everyone has the skills to be responsible. It takes time to grow up and understand there are better ways to live.
Noone could or can now tell me how to act or do anything!! You can not live her life for her. She has to be accountable for her own actions. You are not. I know it is hard to sit back and watch destructive behavior but there is not much you can do.
I hope you can find a way to let her go her own way. It is best for you if you can. In time I hope she will see that her behavior is self destructive but if she doesn't I am sure she still cares about you all. '
I do have to say tho that money is not my first priority my family is. Money may come and go but your loved ones are more important than any amount of money!! I hope the best for you and your family!! God Bless you and keep you!
It was brave of you to share that.
It seems that there is frequently one family member that is challenging to the rest of the family.
06-17-2009, 02:53 PM
#26
Super Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Central FL
Posts: 4,829
Ben Frankin one said that you never really know someone until you share an estate with them. I spent more money trying to stop being robbed of my inheritance than it was worth, then finally had to just give up.
06-17-2009, 04:06 PM
#27
Power Poster
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 18,726
Pam, I'm sorry that you are having to go through that. Its bad enough to suffer the loss of a loved one....and then on top of that to deal with inheritance issues....very sad.
I once heard it said that "People have exactly as much money as they can handle"...lots of times, that seems to be right.
I once heard it said that "People have exactly as much money as they can handle"...lots of times, that seems to be right.
06-17-2009, 04:23 PM
#28
Super Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Central Washington State
Posts: 5,997
This is why the poor will always be among us.
Not everyone is wise with their money, and that is their right. You cannot save them from themselves, nor can you live their lives for them.
It may be frustrating, but I suppose your father knew exactly who each of you were. He was a gracious man who knew how to be fair, and you can be thankful that he was a generous man also. The fact that some take the gift for granted isn't your problem. Your father never made it his it doesn't sound like.
Family members do not always do what we think they should in the manner we would wish they would. Not our problem. All we are called to do is love them in the manner we choose, regardless of the response, but the response must be who they are - - NOT what we think they should do because we did something. You do not have to love her because she is your sister, but if you do love her, you must love her without strings and expectations - - that would be manipulation, and you wouldn't want to do that.
Not everyone is wise with their money, and that is their right. You cannot save them from themselves, nor can you live their lives for them.
It may be frustrating, but I suppose your father knew exactly who each of you were. He was a gracious man who knew how to be fair, and you can be thankful that he was a generous man also. The fact that some take the gift for granted isn't your problem. Your father never made it his it doesn't sound like.
Family members do not always do what we think they should in the manner we would wish they would. Not our problem. All we are called to do is love them in the manner we choose, regardless of the response, but the response must be who they are - - NOT what we think they should do because we did something. You do not have to love her because she is your sister, but if you do love her, you must love her without strings and expectations - - that would be manipulation, and you wouldn't want to do that.
06-17-2009, 04:38 PM
#29
Super Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Central Washington State
Posts: 5,997
So! Then I go back and read the rest of the thread, and lo and behold, if you don't know that I hadn't read the whole thing ... you would think that I am really pouring on!
To those who wrote honestly from their own experience, the reason I could write what I wrote is because I have spent most of my life being a foolish woman. Very head strong, very willful, and very rebellious, always thinking I was a woman fully-growed, so by golly, I KNEW what was the answer. After all - - don't all adults know everything?
Well, no, they don't ... we know a lot of things, but self-discipline is not an easy thing to master. I tend to be a hard learner, which means ... I don't automatically take someone else's word for gospel.
What has been really frustrating is I KNEW what to do correctly, I just simply chose to do something easier ... the fact that I lived long enough to figure out a different way to do things and handle myself speaks more for God's grace and mercy than my being so smart.
My previous response was to Pam, directly, without reading what anyone else wrote, and if I sounded belittling or disregarding of everyone else, that was not my intent ... I was speaking from where I came from ... and, the lesson I learned about giving love to my family because that is what I wanted to do, while avoiding being frustrated when they didn't respond exactly as I envisioned. When I learned to love regardless of the outcome, my relationship with my family changed and I became more free to be the person I wanted to be, and get better than I had been.
To those who wrote honestly from their own experience, the reason I could write what I wrote is because I have spent most of my life being a foolish woman. Very head strong, very willful, and very rebellious, always thinking I was a woman fully-growed, so by golly, I KNEW what was the answer. After all - - don't all adults know everything?
Well, no, they don't ... we know a lot of things, but self-discipline is not an easy thing to master. I tend to be a hard learner, which means ... I don't automatically take someone else's word for gospel.
What has been really frustrating is I KNEW what to do correctly, I just simply chose to do something easier ... the fact that I lived long enough to figure out a different way to do things and handle myself speaks more for God's grace and mercy than my being so smart.
My previous response was to Pam, directly, without reading what anyone else wrote, and if I sounded belittling or disregarding of everyone else, that was not my intent ... I was speaking from where I came from ... and, the lesson I learned about giving love to my family because that is what I wanted to do, while avoiding being frustrated when they didn't respond exactly as I envisioned. When I learned to love regardless of the outcome, my relationship with my family changed and I became more free to be the person I wanted to be, and get better than I had been.
06-17-2009, 07:19 PM
#30
Power Poster
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: SW Iowa
Posts: 32,855
My mother was always a saver and had a nice nest egg set aside for my dad and her. She was diagnosed with cancer and passed away in less than a year. My dad has spent most of the savings on things that help make him happy. He once commented he was spending our inheritance. Sis and I set him straight. He is spending the money he has spent his whole life earning. It's his and we want him to enjoy it. My brother ( who visits once every three months if dad is lucky and I might add live a little over an hour away ) has urged my sis and I to stop dad from spending all the money. I think he was hoping for an inheritance. My sis and I just enjoy our time with dad and are happy to see him happy. Families can be challenging.
Thread
Thread Starter
Forum
Replies
Last Post
butterflywing
General Chit-Chat (non-quilting talk)
18
03-26-2011 10:14 AM
diogirl
Main
6
09-09-2009 05:38 PM
