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Thread: This is Laugh Out Load Funny

  1. #1
    Senior Member Phyllis nm's Avatar
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    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    To all my Brothers out there......



    ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
    Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

    Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

    AWESOME!!!

    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

    HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

    IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

    Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
    P.S... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!


    If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

  2. #2
    Super Member Rose L's Avatar
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    I laughed until I cried the first time I read this. Always good for a chuckle later on too. Thanks for sharing!

  3. #3
    Super Member sparkys_mom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rose L
    I laughed until I cried the first time I read this. Always good for a chuckle later on too. Thanks for sharing!
    Sitting here gasping for breath - tears rolling down my face. Too, too funny!!

  4. #4
    Super Member SuziC's Avatar
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    LOL LOL LOL LOL LOLLLLLLLLL :!:

  5. #5
    Junior Member lisajane's Avatar
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    Absolutely Hilarious! I haven't laughed like that for along time. Sad thing is, I can truly say I think I know a few Idiots like this that would try something so ignorant. I think all men should be home alone with a tazer, and board out of there head, just trying to think of something to do, and use there self as an assailant. How funny...."They are there own worst assailant"...LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

  6. #6
    Junior Member
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    Oh, don't you love a man for reading the directions!

  7. #7
    Super Member bjeriann's Avatar
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    I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. Thanks so much.

  8. #8
    Moderator QuiltnNan's Avatar
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    sorry, i didn't think it was that funny and didn't care for the language in it.

  9. #9
    Super Member Glassquilt's Avatar
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    :) :)

  10. #10
    Super Member Vivian Ketron's Avatar
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    That is so funny. I can't stop laughing. Haven't had a laugh like that for quite some time.

  11. #11
    Senior Member RonieM's Avatar
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    OMG - I laughed until I cried and almost wet my pants!! :lol:

  12. #12
    Super Member Carrie Jo's Avatar
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    that was hilarious..I couldnt read it to my husband I was laughing so hard.

  13. #13
    Super Member athomenow's Avatar
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    I'd seen this before but I laughed like an idiot again! The visual is just so funny!

  14. #14
    Power Poster blueangel's Avatar
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    Very funny

  15. #15
    Senior Member marknfran's Avatar
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    Wow, l00,000 volt? what happened to the 25,000?
    I thought that was the strongest there was; well, guess
    not. My hubby and I laughed through the whole thing!!

  16. #16
    Ed
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    lol

  17. #17
    Super Member susie0808's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by marknfran
    Wow, l00,000 volt? what happened to the 25,000?
    I thought that was the strongest there was; well, guess
    not. My hubby and I laughed through the whole thing!!
    Here too!!!lol!!!

  18. #18
    Power Poster alikat110's Avatar
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    roflmao!!!!!! now i want one for use on my sweet husband!!!!

  19. #19
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    Love, love, love this!!! Awful day, but reading this made me laugh so hard! Thank you!

  20. #20
    Super Member 3incollege's Avatar
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    so funny

  21. #21
    Senior Member theoldgraymare's Avatar
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    Oh, how funny!

  22. #22
    Senior Member clynns's Avatar
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    Ooooh, my cheeks hurt from laughing. I just copied and sent it to almost all of my family. I don't think hubby will find it too funny. But oh well, he'd laugh if the shoe was on the other foot. Way too cool.

  23. #23
    Junior Member seahorsesanna's Avatar
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    thank you I needed that I havent laughed that hard in a long time I had so many tears i couldnt see through my glasses to type!

  24. #24
    Senior Member sew_southern's Avatar
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    Too funny!!!! :lol::lol:

  25. #25
    Junior Member Quilter Lois's Avatar
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    Thanks for the best laugh I have had in years.

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