I gave up swimming because of this problem...

BUYING A MATURE WOMAN'S BATHING SUIT

The Bathing Suit (by a middle-age woman unknown)
When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure
was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They
were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a
figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the
maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away
looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she
can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make
a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent
rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and
entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first
thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch
material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe,
by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added
bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would
be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your
passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder
strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a
while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my
seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature
woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed
bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a
full view assessment.

The bathing suit fitted all right, but unfortunately it only fitted
those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out
rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of
Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the
prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there
you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.
I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of
masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an
oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and
came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having
a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in
mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I
would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fitted, it was a two-piece affair with a
shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap,
comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search
had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become
transparent in water."

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water
this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a
T-shirt!

You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life
isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain,
with or without a bathing suit!

I must have been in the room next to her going through the same motions... I"ve done this all before in an alternative universe I swear!

Pretty funny! My husband just raised his eyebrows and rolled his eyes when I said I needed to buy a swimsuit for vacation... Guess I'll rethink that!

"I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them."

Bwahahah - excellent find Ditter :)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!

Too Funny!!!!!

I actually found a decent pair of "Tankini" type suits from Lands End that are wonderful!!!

ROFLMBO!!! Laughing so hard, I'm crying!!!!

THANK GOD FOR THE TANKINI!!!!

glad to see you back Ditter and in great form. I am glad to see you on the board again. Where do you find these jokes that are great? Keep them coming. I need a laugh when I get home at night.

That's the exact reason why I don't wear bathing suits

Do you know how hard it is to laugh out loud at 1 in the morning waking everyone up? This is too funny

That is the best!! We appreciate u so. Fitter!!

she can either go up front to the
maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away
looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia

I got one of those this year. It actually covers. :P I love to swim and would be hard pressed to give it up.

Good one, Ditter! Thanks for the laugh!

I'm laughing so hard tears in eyes. can't hardly see to type. Good one Ditter. Thank you.heeheeheeheehee

Same here! :-P

:lol:

This is great - it is exactly how I feel. The last two I bought are in a box somewhere!

OMG! thank you so much. i'm rolling with laughter. i am in total agreeance. yep, i'm with you on the cut offs and t-shirt. :lol: :lol:

And that's why I haven't owned a bathing suit since 1985

roflmao Most of us can relate.

LOL this is so true..I hate bathing suits :lol:

I managed to find a nice one at Costco, but I plan on making a repro Victorian bathing suit since I sunburn so badly. Something like this would be nice:

I wondering if this was me and the store security camera caught me on tape...Oh Ditter, you gave me a big belly laugh today!!!! thank you, Naomi :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

I'm at the age where I don't care if I look like a hippo ballerina - as long as I can swim in it and it covers up the bits I want covered AND it supports "the girls" up top, I will wear it.

Whoa, an Elizabeth Taylor bathing suit! i've given up on wearing one. must stay out of the sun anyway. cute.
thanks Ditter!!!

too good

Laughed from the first line on.... course that is what I think of bathing suits too :)

Knew I better put my drink down before I read it. Thanks another great one Ditter !!!

LMSO- I laughed so hard I could barely see the monitor!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!