Quiltingboard Forums

Quiltingboard Forums (https://www.quiltingboard.com/)
-   General Chit-Chat (non-quilting talk) (https://www.quiltingboard.com/general-chit-chat-non-quilting-talk-f7/)
-   -   Pay it Forward disappointment (https://www.quiltingboard.com/general-chit-chat-non-quilting-talk-f7/pay-forward-disappointment-t141965.html)

Linda71 08-01-2011 06:42 PM

I bought a box of books at a sale and in the box was a family bible with an inscription. I searched the Ancestory site and found a member of the family looking for info on her relatives. I emailed her and offered to send her the book. She sent me her address and off the book went. She emailed me and said thanks. She did not offer to pay the $10.00 it cost for postage, not that I would have accepted anything if she would have offered. I was doing a PIF because I wanted to.

Several months ago I was going to make a pattern from a magazine and I discovered that some of the pages were missing. A wonderful lady had two copies of the magazine and sent me one. I offered to pay her and she said Pay it Forward. I have done it before and I will do it again, but I do wish that the book lady would not have broken the chain of PIF.

gzuslivz 08-01-2011 06:43 PM

Some people just don't get it:-(

DebraK 08-01-2011 06:44 PM

Maybe she paid it forward to someone else. It's not called pay you back ;-)

sharon b 08-01-2011 06:44 PM

Maybe someday she will without even realizing it :wink: She will think of the kindness shown her and think "now its my turn to help someone else" :wink:

mommamac 08-01-2011 06:45 PM

Perhaps she did or will PIF in a different way. Some people like to remain anon. when PIFing.

Painiacs 08-01-2011 06:47 PM

Someday she will. Take comfort in what you did!! I've had bad ones but won't let it spoil the future PIFs!!!

bearisgray 08-01-2011 06:51 PM

If you want/need/expect postage to be paid, it's better to ask for it up front.

I can relate to how you feel, though.

At least the person remembered to thank you!

Now I am a bit puzzled - if you didn't want postage/shipping - and would have refused it if offered - why are you annoyed/disappointed that the person didn't offer to reimburse you for it?

momcpo 08-01-2011 06:51 PM

Good for you, don't worry about other people. Some just don't get it.

JulieR 08-01-2011 06:58 PM

Maybe she did? You would have no way of knowing that.

And most people don't send packages around like we all do. She might not have realized how much it would cost.

jaciqltznok 08-01-2011 07:02 PM


Originally Posted by Linda71
I bought a box of books at a sale and in the box was a family bible with an inscription. I searched the Ancestory site and found a member of the family looking for info on her relatives. I emailed her and offered to send her the book. She sent me her address and off the book went. She emailed me and said thanks. She did not offer to pay the $10.00 it cost for postage, not that I would have accepted anything if she would have offered. I was doing a PIF because I wanted to.

Several months ago I was going to make a pattern from a magazine and I discovered that some of the pages were missing. A wonderful lady had two copies of the magazine and sent me one. I offered to pay her and she said Pay it Forward. I have done it before and I will do it again, but I do wish that the book lady would not have broken the chain of PIF.

maybe she did not break the chain, but instead offered her new found family info to others in HER chain! When you send it out to the Universe, you don't know who's universe it will end up in nor what Universe it will travel to next!

valsma 08-01-2011 07:36 PM


Originally Posted by jaciqltznok

Originally Posted by Linda71
I bought a box of books at a sale and in the box was a family bible with an inscription. I searched the Ancestory site and found a member of the family looking for info on her relatives. I emailed her and offered to send her the book. She sent me her address and off the book went. She emailed me and said thanks. She did not offer to pay the $10.00 it cost for postage, not that I would have accepted anything if she would have offered. I was doing a PIF because I wanted to.

Several months ago I was going to make a pattern from a magazine and I discovered that some of the pages were missing. A wonderful lady had two copies of the magazine and sent me one. I offered to pay her and she said Pay it Forward. I have done it before and I will do it again, but I do wish that the book lady would not have broken the chain of PIF.

maybe she did not break the chain, but instead offered her new found family info to others in HER chain! When you send it out to the Universe, you don't know who's universe it will end up in nor what Universe it will travel to next!

Very well said.

moonwork42029 08-01-2011 07:50 PM


Originally Posted by Linda71
... but I do wish that the book lady would not have broken the chain of PIF.

I guess a lot of us are confused...how do you know she didn't pay it forward? Was she suppose to tell you when she did something nice for someone else?

I'm sorry you feel disappointed and maybe we're (me) are missing something in your story. To the best of our (all of us) knowledge, the lady may very well do her own PIF's daily in ways we could only dream of doing.

PIF's hopefully make you feel good about what YOU did for someone...period...no qualifiers or disclaimers.

Of course all of this is simply my humble opinion.

QuiltE 08-01-2011 08:03 PM

Oh my goodness!

If you wanted to get paid for your expenses, then why didn't you ask for the $ up front before shipping?

If you don't care about getting paid, then why are you letting your disgust be known here?

If you wanted this person to PIF, did you discuss that as part of the deal? Or how do you know that it was not done.

As another poster wrote ... it's not Pay It BACK. It's Pay It FORWARD.

A huge difference!

Ramona Byrd 08-01-2011 08:04 PM


Originally Posted by momcpo
Good for you, don't worry about other people. Some just don't get it.

--------------------------------------
And most of the young don't get it either.
In de-cluttering, I found some personal papers of 3 GIs who had, on being discharged, given my ExDH (now deceased) to keep tlll they called for them. One I finally found after looking on the internet, and found his only child, a son who must be about nearing or past his 50s, and sent them to him as I found them. I did get thanks by email, finally, after the last big postal envelope, but at no time did he even mention repaying me the 30 or so dollars it cost to send all these military records and masses of his family members' pictures. Even a marriage lic for his parents. Well, I guess that I did it as a final favor to my ex.
The other two, unfortunately, had very common names and I finally forced myself to take them to the community shredding we have every year. Sad, there were so many photos and personal papers, but no way to find either one of these after nearly 50 or so years. Didn't even have any military numbers on them, that would have made it easier.
But should I find any more in the storage building still to be gone through from this guy's dad, I will send it to him, with maybe a suggestion that he pay it forward. But like I said, it's a last favor for my ex. RIP Billy Bob H.

moonwork42029 08-01-2011 08:09 PM


Originally Posted by Ramona Byrd

Originally Posted by momcpo
Good for you, don't worry about other people. Some just don't get it.

--------------------------------------
And most of the young don't get it either.
In de-cluttering, I found some personal papers of 3 GIs who had, on being discharged, given my ExDH (now deceased) to keep tlll they called for them. One I finally found after looking on the internet, and found his only child, a son who must be about nearing or past his 50s, and sent them to him as I found them. I did get thanks by email, finally, after the last big postal envelope, but at no time did he even mention repaying me the 30 or so dollars it cost to send all these military records and masses of his family members' pictures. Even a marriage lic for his parents. Well, I guess that I did it as a final favor to my ex.
The other two, unfortunately, had very common names and I finally forced myself to take them to the community shredding we have every year. Sad, there were so many photos and personal papers, but no way to find either one of these after nearly 50 or so years. Didn't even have any military numbers on them, that would have made it easier.
But should I find any more in the storage building still to be gone through from this guy's dad, I will send it to him, with maybe a suggestion that he pay it forward. But like I said, it's a last favor for my ex. RIP Billy Bob H.

How sad Ramona to have to shred them... perhaps you could "give" them to the VA and have them continue to hold them or track them down with SS# or ID#. It was noble of you to try and track them down...so glad you did find one person.

np3 08-01-2011 08:37 PM

Lots of differing opinions here. When I pay it forward, no one knows it. When something is offered, I offer to pay postage just in case, but that's just the way I am. But I don't talk about it one way or the other. Just me.

wanda lou 08-01-2011 08:39 PM

so sad, some folks just don't get it .

kristen0112 08-01-2011 08:47 PM


Originally Posted by gzuslivz
Some people just don't get it:-(

You're right some people don't get it. You have to understand that just because you 'pay it forward' doesn't mean someone else has to continue your kind deed, that makes the kind deed pointless - are you're only doing it get else someone to do something in return? If you it doesn't bring you joy that you did something nice for someone else you shouldn't do it at all.

Carron 08-01-2011 08:52 PM

You did a very nice thing and that in its self can give you a happy heart.

NancyG 08-01-2011 10:21 PM

That was very nice of you to pay it forward. Sometimes people pay it forward anonymously, so you would have no way of knowing that they did. And sometimes a person doesn't pay it forward immediately, but takes awhile. Just know that you did a great service and hopefully the recipient will also pay it forward at some point.

carolaug 08-02-2011 01:32 AM

I am sure every person in this world has paid it forward one way or another...I have had people send me things here and there..a picture of a family member, a book etc..(family or friends).I always am very thank-for...I never even would have thought to send postage...as I would not expect them to pay me if I sent them a book, flowers, pictures, trickets etc...also in the future...if you tell the post office its a book it a lot cheaper. I use to send books to my daughter inlaw in CA. it was like 3.00 to send...they do not weight it its one set price for books.

SharBear 08-02-2011 02:58 AM

I think that when we PIF we have to accept that our "payback" is within our hearts. There's a difference between being good and wanting to look good.

Let not your left hand know what your right hand does.

bearisgray 08-02-2011 05:17 AM

I dislike having something given to me with a Pay It Forward attached.

I have chosen to make sure that most of whatever I put into circulation does NOT have a PIF attached. What the recipient chooses to do - or not do - is up to him/her.

I just realized that's not completely true - I do ask if whatever it is - if it is not useful to him/her - to please pass it on.

Now please read the rest of this before you jump on my case!

I feel like there is a "catch" attached to something when someone says "Pay it Forward" - I don't rest easy or comfortable with the item until I have done a PIF. Sort of feels like a weight/debt that needs to be paid off.

I am totally in favor of doing good things for others with no expectation of an immediate return. I do believe that "what goes around comes around"

(Although wouldn't "casting bread on the waters" be considered "littering" or "polluting" now? - but I digress)

I also feel it is reasonable to ask for shipping costs. Many of us acquired "stuff" when we had more money/cash available to us - now that we are ready to "let go" of some of the stuff - the cost of sending it on is what holds some of us back. We don't have the discretionary income anymore.

However, the shipping cost should be asked for "up front" so there will be no lingering resentments/disappointments later.

LindaR 08-02-2011 05:28 AM

If I have something I know someone would be interested in I always tell them to send $5 in an envelope and I'll get it out....if PIF I just mail it and forget it...LOL

Linda71 08-02-2011 06:05 AM

Thank you. That is exactly what I was trying to say. After two days and nights of caring for a grandson(2year old) with a high fever with trips to the doctor and hospital, my thoughts did not come through. I was only thinking kindness and the joy of giving.

Originally Posted by sharon b
Maybe someday she will without even realizing it :wink: She will think of the kindness shown her and think "now its my turn to help someone else" :wink:


Olivia's Grammy 08-02-2011 06:29 AM


Originally Posted by DebraK
Maybe she paid it forward to someone else. It's not called pay you back ;-)

Thank you for that thought. It's not always about me. I had a bad experience and that thought just made me rethink it. Hopefully the lady I helped did pay it foward and not backward. Thanks.

Zhillslady 08-02-2011 06:30 AM

I just assume people PIF if possible and we rarely know. I believe we should give with a happy heart and it sounds like that is what you intended. Imagine researching to find a family member - how awesome are you. That was such a neat idea.

I will say I have only been on the board here a few months and have sent fabric, patterns, scraps, etc. to probably 10 people now. Only 1 has offered to pay the postage. I was not offended as no where in the request did they mention they would pay postage they just asked if anyone had any to spare. I hope I've never accidently offended anyone because honestly if someone I did not know contacted me and offered to send me something it would never occur to me to offer her the postage back. I'll remember that for the future though.

Zhillslady 08-02-2011 06:35 AM

Not sure if you have a military base locally but if so just for future reference to everyone - you can take the info to the base office and they will attempt to locate the soldier. I did that with items from my grandfather. We live MacDill AFB.


Originally Posted by Ramona Byrd

Originally Posted by momcpo
Good for you, don't worry about other people. Some just don't get it.

--------------------------------------
And most of the young don't get it either.
In de-cluttering, I found some personal papers of 3 GIs who had, on being discharged, given my ExDH (now deceased) to keep tlll they called for them. One I finally found after looking on the internet, and found his only child, a son who must be about nearing or past his 50s, and sent them to him as I found them. I did get thanks by email, finally, after the last big postal envelope, but at no time did he even mention repaying me the 30 or so dollars it cost to send all these military records and masses of his family members' pictures. Even a marriage lic for his parents. Well, I guess that I did it as a final favor to my ex.
The other two, unfortunately, had very common names and I finally forced myself to take them to the community shredding we have every year. Sad, there were so many photos and personal papers, but no way to find either one of these after nearly 50 or so years. Didn't even have any military numbers on them, that would have made it easier.
But should I find any more in the storage building still to be gone through from this guy's dad, I will send it to him, with maybe a suggestion that he pay it forward. But like I said, it's a last favor for my ex. RIP Billy Bob H.


catrancher 08-02-2011 06:52 AM


Originally Posted by bearisgray
If you want/need/expect postage to be paid, it's better to ask for it up front.

I can relate to how you feel, though.

At least the person remembered to thank you!

Now I am a bit puzzled - if you didn't want postage/shipping - and would have refused it if offered - why are you annoyed/disappointed that the person didn't offer to reimburse you for it?

I wondered about this too. And I wonder why you assume the PIF chain was broken.

valsma 08-02-2011 08:58 AM

Linda, you may never know if she pays it forward. Take pride in the fact that your took the time and expence to find and mail what is part of her family's history to her.
You did a good thing.

Ramona Byrd 08-02-2011 10:13 AM

Not sure if you have a military base locally but if so just for future reference to everyone - you can take the info to the base office and they will attempt to locate the soldier. I did that with items from my grandfather. We live MacDill AFB.
--------------------------------------------------
Sadly, our long time Castle Air Force Base closed in the 90s.
And I spent a lot of time going through all the pictures and letters, which unfortunately had no envelopes with return addresses on them. After 50 or so years it was just too much to try to find someone with a rather common name of Smith..one of my aunts married a Smith and she said they almost had to carry a marriage license with them when checking into hotels!!!
Should I find more papers in my late DH's still uncleaned out small outbuilding den, I'd take them to a local VFW and see if they could have some luck with them. That is, if there were no numbers or addresses and they weren't common names with litterly millions of people with the same one.

QuiltingNinaSue 08-02-2011 10:45 AM

We taught our children to forward acts of kindness, and accept/expect nothing back in payment. So in PIF, and in due time, it multiplys its self back to you.

An Air Force buddy found my husband last month; they have not had contact since service days of 1969. Now they have email and addresses exchanged. Never is a long time; surprises are just around the next corner!!

MadQuilter 08-02-2011 12:01 PM


Originally Posted by Linda71
I emailed her and offered to send her the book.

You OFFERED! No PIF required.


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 07:48 AM.



SEO by vBSEO ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.