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My lovely daughter is 13... and it seems that most mornings include an argument about clothes and/or makeup.

She's a petite girl with an hourglass figure... which means she often looks more like 18.

I really don't want to argue with her. It's no way to start the day.

Advice? Perspectives from Moms who have already been there?

(heavy sigh...)

sasseyib

I have two 14 year old granddaughters and their mothers are going through the same thing. Their mothers tell me that this is what is happening with all of the girls now days. I tell them that all mothers need to get together and make some ground rules, but I guess I am still living in the old days. All I can say is good luck and when she gets to 25 or so she will change again.

tlrnhi

Oh gee....it really won't get any better. And, once they are old enough, they DO move out, but they DO sometimes come back. lol

Advice...hmmm...just stay calm. Don't feed into her arguments. Especially in the mornings. It's not a good way to start the day. Maybe when you both are home, after dinner, sit and have a talk with her. Explain your side to her and let her explain her side to you. I know, I know...she'll say...ALL the others are doing it, so why can't I? You'll say...if they all jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge, doesn't mean you have to do it too!
Been there, done that girl!
I know it's hard, but sometimes you just have to pick and choose your battles. If she's wearing something inappropriate, just explain to her that covering up a little isn't going to be such a bad thing. If she wants to wear just a little more makeup, explain to her that facepaint really doesn't make her look any prettier than she already is. It's hard and 13 is a hard age for girls.
I didn't have the problem too much of the "face painting". We had to deal with the dark eyeliner and wanting to dye the hair jet black. UGH!!
Like they say...this too shall pass.
But, the more you argue with her about it, the more adamant she will be to defy you....
Just bite your tongue and like I said...pick and choose your battles.

cjomomma

Just don't argue, unfortunately she is at that age where girls are trying to prove who they are and the problem is they have no idea. My kids didn't argue with me I just got the dirty looks. My response if they get sassy is I am the adult and you will do what I say. If they decide they want to try to argue I just walk away and tell them we will talk about when you calm down. Eventually your DD will stop when she doesn't get a rise out of you anymore. Do the old talk to the hand because the face isn't listening thing. Hope it gets better for you.

MamaBear61

It is a challenge from someone who has been there, but this too will pass. Give yourself credit you have made it through even stage so far and you WILL make it through this one too.

raptureready

Sorry, no help here. DD is only 11 and is very conservative/modest. I'm still living in the old days too and we're Pentacostal so that makes a big difference. She's taught at home and at church not to show off her body or to wear makeup. It's very hard these days to draw a line. Perhaps if you offered some makeup tips? The old "Less is more" thing. Or, remembering my own childhood, she might just be trying to get a rise out of you with shock factor. Praise her for being a conformist and being willing to follow the crowd rather than to be her own person. It might work, better than fighting anyway. I think it's called reverse psychology. Just don't overdo it, be rather nonchalant about it.

KarylMc

I had to laugh when I read your post! (sorry! laughing WITH you, not AT you!)
I used to say that the morning my daughter (will be 23 in a couple of weeks) turned 13, she woke up and her head spun around a few times, and she spewed pea soup!
I think this is part of God's plan to help us let go of our children. (you sure are ready for them to go to college!)
The best advice I can give is to say, "this, too, shall pass!" My daughter and I are good friends now...for about 2 years. Prior to that, it was just one fight after another.
I do think that it is important to stand up for what you believe is right, that being said, you have to pick your battles. With my daughter, everything I said created a battle! (I was always wrong, haha!) There is SO much drama at that age and the pressure is tremendous to fit in. I think the consequences of poor decisions are greater than when i was that age.
Try to find an area of common interest that is very important to her...my daughter took dance and was very involved with that and with several choral groups within our school and county. Also was involved with our church youth. She knew I was proud of what she was doing, plus I enjoyed watching her so much. It gave us a bit of common ground on the battlefield of the teen years..
Mostly, they know you love them, and no matter what they say to you or how mean they are to you, you will never stop loving them. You are the ROCK in their life. (not that they would ever admit it!)
Keep praying!

CarrieAnne

Aw, HUGS!!!!! Mine is 22 and just got her first apaprtment with a BF to go to her 3rd and 4 th year of college. I cried for days...........
But reading your post I do remember how hard it was to raise her, lol! It really does get better!

KarylMc

Another real quick bit of advice that worked for us...And my Mom did this with me, too..
There are things that your daughter will be asked to attend or places/people she may not want to be around.
I always let myself be the 'Fall Guy" for her...She always knew she could say "My Mom won't let me go" (even if I didn't know about it!) She could stay in control of her actions and blame it on ME!
Sometimes, she'd come home from school and tell me she'd used me as an excuse NOT to go or do something she didn't want to do.
Kids really do WANT to do the right thing...

Rebecca VLQ

Mine is off to college this year....and grew breasts like in 5th grade. :shock: It ended up working out for her though, because by middle school when the boys were boob-crazy she was already used to them.

We had simple rules about clothing, nothing too tight, no cleavage, no spaghetti strap tank tops. Wider tanks were ok, but rib knit is naturally tight, so I got outta that one! So, ultimately fitted tanks that kinda felt like heavy tee shirt material were ok. And when she grew (for her, in the boob department) eventually those tanks were not acceptable.

Makeup: Didn't let her until middle school, and we talked about how makeup was there to ENHANCE your natural beauty, not to be worn as a mask. Taught her how to pull off blue eyeshadow, and that meant no higher than the crease of the eyelid. Only tinted lipgloss, so the color was sheer and not clown-y. Told her she didn't need lip pencil to outline her lips, that's for lipstick to not bleed onto the skin for when you're old and wrinkly (OK, that was a wee lie, but it worked!)

KJ chose clear mascara, to just kinda groom and separate her lashes, but she had awesome lashes anyway. For those that use "real" mascara, talk about how thick and clumpy looks trashy, not pretty. Remember: ENHANCE your beauty, don't hide behind makeup.

Foundation: again, this is for older people to even out their skintone after years of living. A light moisturizer is perfect for teens.

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All of this takes some laying of groundwork, and being proactive. Tell her if she needs help and tips, you're there. You trust her to make decisions about her body and makeup, but you want her to look respectable. Make it clear that if you're uncomfortable about how she looks in the makeup department, you will ask her to wash her face. She may try again, but if she doesn't have time, she'll be going without. You probably WILL have to call her out a couple times. Same thing with clothing....and if she OWNS inappropriate clothing, it needs to be donated. It can't be ok to wear on the weekends but not ok to wear to school. If you find it inappropriate, slutty, offensive, etc...it's that way 100% of the time, kwim? If she's used her own money to get it, well....if she wants to keep wasting her money by buying inappropriate things, by all means...do so. She'll get tired of it real quick. Beware of the ploy: I'll just wear a sweatshirt (jacket, other shirt) over it. It's BS, for even the nicest of kids.

There was a period of time where KJ was trying to push the envelope and snuck out to school and "forgot" to redo herself as she left the house, and when we got home, I took the offensive article of clothing. And there were a few trying weeks in high school where she PURPOSEFULLY came home wearing clown makeup and by then I had to just laugh. After years of doing the right thing, she thought she could get my goat with sky-high blue eyeshadow and bubblegum pink lipstick. She looked so silly...I wish I'd had a camera. These things just happen and while the teen years are HORRIBLE.

HORRIBLE. ***HORRIBLE**

They do eventually go to college. And things are much better. Because the get to be fully responsible for their actions, and the consequences. :D