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Thread: How can I overcome my fear?

  1. #76
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    Quote Originally Posted by JuneD
    You know, a 17 year old may not appreciate the work that went into making the quilt, but I hate to say it, her mother or father should have. Especially if it was given to her by her grandmother. I am sorry for being so blunt, that's just my opinion.

    I can understand your reluctance in making another quilt, but there is someone out there that would LOVE a handmade gift. (especially me!!!!! :-)
    Folks in the nursing homes love lap quilts...and appreciate the work that goes into them. I would suggest delivering one in person and see the appreciation in the face of the receiver..

  2. #77
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    On the other hand...

    I made a special quilt for my friend's young daughter fully expecting that the quilt would be dragged through the mud, slept on by the cat, used as a tent, and basically loved to death. However, what happened is that my friend, who does cross-stitching and appreciates the time spent on handmade items, put the quilt away for the time when her daughter would be "old enough to enjoy it with responsibility".

    Years later when I found out what happened to the quilt, I was disappointed to find that the quilt wasn't thread bare and that it hadn't been used at all but kept in a closet for 'safe keeping'. I understood my friend's idea of keeping it in a special place so that it wouldn't be abused, but that wasn't what it was made for -- it was made to be loved. To this day it still hasn't been used.

    My mom has kept such unused items in her hope chest for years. She is now 88 years old and the things will not be used in her life time, as she now suffers from alzheimer's disease. Of course, I will be the lucky recipient of the handmade gifts that she was gifted over the years and I WILL enjoy them.

    This reminds me of a conversation I had with my mom about 20 years ago. I was looking at her china cabinet and marveling at the beautiful tea cups and dishes that she had and asked my mother why she never used the pretty china? She said that she didn't want anything to get broken. With tongue-in-cheek, I thanked her for keeping my inheritance in such wonderful condition and said that when I used it after she was gone I would always think of her. A couple of weeks later I noticed that she was using a beautiful bowl from the china cabinet for holding fruit. I thought, "ahh, my comment hit its target." Unfortunately, it was short lived, after that she put it back in the china cabinet and never used anything else in the cabinet. Very sad, indeed.

  3. #78
    Super Member Quilter2B's Avatar
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    I sympathize with you. I made my grandson a quilt and I was really proud of it - he was my "lil mister, I was there when he was born, spent two hours with him in the recovery room rubbing his feet while my DD came out of anesthestic. They lived with us until he was almost a year old. She left his quilt behind with many other items when her husband convinced her to move back east while he was home on leave. It broke my heart. I've wanted to make him another one but just can't get past the fact that his mommy left the other one behind. Someday I'm sure I'll get over with it. But as has been said, once it is gifted you can only hope the recipient will appreciate the work and effort and love put into it.

  4. #79
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    When I first read this it made me start thinking. Mainly about teenagers and their treatment of things.But in reality it's not just teenagers. My mother made my son a beautiful quilt with horseheads all over, to my knowledge it is the first she had "given" away. Anyways, my son (and he Loves this quilt) used this quilt 24/7 mainly on his bed, but yes it has lain out underneath the stars in the summer, it has gone camping, I'm sure the dog when she was allowed in the house tested it out. It has been hauled in his pickup front and to my dismay in the back (not much space in the front of a pickup), Yes he still uses it. I seen the other day that the sashing is starting to fray so told him it needs repair. So was this misuse. Not in my eyes- "well used" and "well loved" both front and back. No... kids this age do not understand how much work is in one of these quilts but if this grandchild is like any kids this age. It very well could have been forgotten at a minutes notice and continued to lay where they had been enjoying being wrapped up in it. (show me a kid that is not forgetful)(and being a parent I would have asked or said that is not where it belongs take care of it) but on the same token kids need to learn and a part of that learning is speaking up about it as a parent and grandparent to the person. I would come right out and ask Why? Sometimes we keep things pent up and do not ask or find out the "why" of things and just let things boil until it harms "us" more than anything or anybody. I didn't mean for this to be anything more than my opinion, so take and use what you can of it and discard the rest.
    Don't stop-Enjoy your quilting and gifting. But I hope that you resolve this issue with your grandchild,
    I am truly learning that "materialistic" things just aren't worth the saving and maybe somedays.....and keeping nice for.... what if that day never comes?

  5. #80
    Senior Member vwquilting's Avatar
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    Live and Learn..For our wedding I received several pieces of corning wear I hated the feel so when we moved one of the Aunts expressed her love for them so I told her to take them as I did not like the feel of them

    Boy was I wrong. See sometimes people just don't get it until is too late. I had to buy them once I figured out what I lost. Ask the person if they like quilts in conversation them you will know for sure .

  6. #81
    Power Poster Annaquilts's Avatar
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    I am sorry to hear about the quilt for your grand daughter. I am not sure why some people are that way. Hugs!

  7. #82
    Senior Member FranW's Avatar
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    We make quilts because we have to - the need comes from deep inside and quilting makes us feel good. I am sorry that your quilt was mistreated and I do understand your sadness. Keep making quilts and when the time is right to gift them, you will know. Just enjoy the process.
    I have three quilts that I simply cannot part with for one reason or another. Many others I have gifted to others or donated to charity. I hope that all "my quilts" are doing well, but in many cases I honestly do not know what happened to them. They are "hugs" that I have given away.

  8. #83
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    Just imagine the children and abused women who would appreciate something so precious. As a Project Linus coordinator, many of the children we serve have never owned their own blanket before and it becomes a milestone in their young lives. When children are allowed to select blankets and they have siblings, those children try to help the younger ones pick their first. I agree that once a quilt is given, there are no strings. But if you see that there is no appreciation, make a mental note. I used to crochet afghans and I still remember seeing one that was given to a dear friend, outside her home where her older boys had run over it time and time again with their vehicles. Then one day she asked me how to wash it. If you are looking to be appreciated, channel your energies towards some of the non-profit groups in your area. Our chapter of Project Linus knows that we make a difference one stitch at a time.

  9. #84
    Super Member sewingsuz's Avatar
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    I have this same poblem because of prior treatment of others. How do you get over this? I do think the note is a good Idea. Thanks

  10. #85
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    I would just tell her that you would like to make her a quilt but aren't sure if she even likes them or wants one and you wouldn't want to make something for her that she doesn't want. If she says she wants one then I wouldn't hesitate to tell her about your granddaughters quilt. She will then know that you want her to use it but not abuse it. Make sure to tell her to be honest and if she doesn`t want one you won`t be hurt.

  11. #86
    Junior Member joyceinoh's Avatar
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    I remember the first quilts I made I gave to the grand kids for their Christmas one year. the girl 8, told me several times how she liked hers and how warm it was. one day when I was there The 3 yr old went and got his and said, you gave me this, did you grandma? and i said Yes, and he said. "I love you grandma.". Made it all worth while. :thumbup: :lol:
    As for making more quilts, make them and put them back for those special occassions like baby showers, or wedding.

  12. #87
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sewmuchtodo
    I love creating and sharing with others, however now I am hesitatant to do this when it comes to quilts. My grandson is engaged to a sweet young lady, and I would love to make her a lap quilt. However the last quilt that I made it for my granddaughter. She was 17 at the time. I spent quite a while creating the quilt. Well, I was over at their house one day and while going out to the back patio I spotted her quilt just laying on the ground outside. It was quite apparent it had been there for a while. I was hearbroken, to see how it was disregarded. Ever since then I am unable to bring myself to commit to gifting a quilt. I keep trying to get past it, but it is so hard. I would love to make more quilts but I just keep thinking about the work and the lack of appreciation. Any suggestions on how I can get over this? This is the quilt that I made for my granddaughter..thanks for any suggestions.


    I have exactly the same reservations as yourself. I made a few cushion covers a few years ago to help my children's school raise funds. I mentioned to the lady who was organising it that they could ask for about 15 for the complete cushion. When I went to have a look at them in the stall, they were going for 5 each and later a few of them were put aside for the staff to take away for free! Needless to say, I never gave anything away for free to anyone for fund raising again!

    I have made a number of quilts since, mainly for colleagues and friends who are having babies and I always say to them that I have spent time making them and if they do not want them after a while, I would gladly take them over for 5-10,( that is, I would pay to have them back!) and I would drive out to collect them. This is just a little incentive to make sure my efforts will not be wasted. Also if they rip, I ask them to return the quilts to me for repairs. Every so often I follow up on them.

    It is hard to part with these lovely creations especially since there is so little regard from some but I sometimes think that people do things without realising the significance but if you can talk to them and mention your thoughts about things, they may 'wake up'. Your grand daughter was young and some young adults do things without thinking.

    Having said this, I do agree with some of the earlier messages where once given away the quilts don't belong to us anymore but to the person who was given it and what they do is up to them but I think that it is the lack of tact/respect that is hurtful and that may be the issue here.

    Would you be able to speak to your grand daughter and ask if you can have it back to see if it can be salvaged? I think that if I were in your position, I would ask if I could have a look to see if it needed some TLC. Would that make it feel less hurtful? Only you can answer the question.

    I think that, like you , I have to remember that everyone is different. Perhaps you can gauge by your grandson's fiance's reaction should you mention your intention to make her a gift of a quilt.

    Recently I said to my colleagues that I was thinking of making a few small pieces for each of them and one of my colleagues was thrilled to bits! I certainly was not expecting her enthusiasm! I was bowled over. LOL. So I know that she will look after what I make her.

    Best wishes. I hope that things will be better for you soon. Please let us know how things get on. Take care.


    (Sorry for the LONG message :lol: )

  13. #88
    Super Member candi's Avatar
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    I think we just need to understand that not everyone likes everything.. even precious things like quilts. As a new quilter, I keep telling myself even though I am excited about my new hobby, and there are 10 million things I want to make, I need to not assume that just because I am loving something, everyone else has to. I would ask the person that I am thinking about gifting a quilt if they would like one and if they say yes, go ahead and ask them what colors, style or whatever, if they get involved in the process, I am sure the end product will be to their liking and they will enjoy using it.

  14. #89
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    I haven't read all of the posts (yet), but I agree with a lot of what has been written. I think personally, I would try asking her if she would like for you to bring the quilt home to launder it. If she cares about the quilt, she will probably accept your offer or she will do something about it once you've gone. She will see how much you value her quilt. If she seems not to care, then you'll just have to let it go. When she grows up, she'll probably be more appreciative.

  15. #90
    Senior Member sew wishful's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sewmuchtodo
    I love creating and sharing with others, however now I am hesitatant to do this when it comes to quilts. My grandson is engaged to a sweet young lady, and I would love to make her a lap quilt. However the last quilt that I made it for my granddaughter. She was 17 at the time. I spent quite a while creating the quilt. Well, I was over at their house one day and while going out to the back patio I spotted her quilt just laying on the ground outside. It was quite apparent it had been there for a while. I was hearbroken, to see how it was disregarded. Ever since then I am unable to bring myself to commit to gifting a quilt. I keep trying to get past it, but it is so hard. I would love to make more quilts but I just keep thinking about the work and the lack of appreciation. Any suggestions on how I can get over this? This is the quilt that I made for my granddaughter..thanks for any suggestions.
    I would feel the same if I saw one of the handmade quilts I'd given away, laying in the yard. I think I would have picked it up, put it in my car and taken it home and cleaned it up, put it in a bag, or box and save it until the GD is 21 to return it to her or she finally mentioned it was gone. BUT maybe she had been having a picnic on it, or lying on it sunbathing. Unless it had been rained on or had fallen off the clothesline and left there for days and days, she could have been using it outside and just forgotten to pick it up or called away to do something important and forgotten it.
    It is hers to use as she pleases, but not abuse it.

  16. #91

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    Just enjoy making quilts. Will it be on the floor? - Yes, because this is where probably are also her jacket, her T-shirt, bras and so on and so on. I went trough this moment. Just enjoy quilting, crafting and everything you love to do with your time. If I like the person - I will make a quilt, if I don't like that person I will not. And if we are honest we have to realize that only people from past generations are "going crazy" to get a quilt as a gift. So, have fun making a quilt and give it.

  17. #92
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    Quote Originally Posted by deema
    I keep it firmly in my mind that once it is given, it is no longer mine, and the recipient has the right to do with it what they choose - even mis-treat it :( . With that said, I only make quilts for those I know will appreciate it...my mother in law cried tears of happiness when presented with her Christmas gift quilt this year (we celebrated early). I do not want any given quilt to be "saved" for special occasions...I want them used and loved "to death". Mistreatment does hurt my quilter's soul, but love and use to the very last thread warms it.
    Well said, fully agree with you.

  18. #93
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    If you actually feel fearful of giving something to someone it is probably a healthy sign that you recognize that someone is not on the same page with you on quilting and quilts, their remarkable value of your labor and love that go into making them.

    No matter how much we want to gift someone if they don't appreciate the particular gift, let that go, they don't really want it, it is you that has the ideal of giving, not them of receiving. If the gift isn't going to be equally received in care, they aren't the right person to have something made with so much care. The image of someone valuing and caring for a beautiful quilt is very appealing, but for people who can't or won't care for beautiful things, completely different gifts needing minimal or no care or at least something they can't destroy easily are better for both of you!
    Find out what they really want and give that instead. Sad and frustrating, but realistic. You don't need to make yourself suffer, watching a quilt that so much of you went into making, abused and destroyed.
    I knew a child so clumsy and destructive his grandfather suggested the best gift for him would be a bowling ball, only when he was right in the bowling alley!

    Keep your quilts to use on the guest bed when the grands visit, or donate them to auctions that raise money for relief funds or other charities, breast cancer research, etc. Someone buying your quilt will be happy to pay a lot of money for it, really appreciate, enjoy and care well for it, as you and the quilt deserve, and the money is so well used.
    I had the sentimental dream of making quilts for my grands that would become heirlooms but after their mother destroyed the first two in what I felt was a really disrespectful way I decided that would be the end of that and not to waste any more time, work and love in that direction. The children barely had time to enjoy them before they were wrecked and heirlooms have to survive to be heirlooms! I enjoy giving them other things now, that they enjoy receiving, and don't need a lot of teaching to understand. That being said, if my granddaughter ever shows an interest in quilting I'll be there with my stash to teach her everything I know including valuing her work and skills and insisting that anyone she shares her work with understands it too.

  19. #94
    Super Member wraez's Avatar
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    sewmuchtodo ... maybe give this 17 year old the benefit of a doubt ... when she's 60 she may regret not having that beautiful quilt to enjoy and remember you by. Right now she's young and ignorant of the time, energy, money and love that you put into that quilt.

    giving you great big
    warm quilt hugs, sue in CA

  20. #95
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    Maybe she'd like to visit with you an afternoon a week or so and you could teach her to sew and quilt?

    I used to visit my Dad's youngest sister every Saturday afternoon off and on, for a few years and she taught me how to sew. Thinking back on it now - she died many years ago it was one of the warmest, happiest memories of my early teenage years.

    Nobody in my family quilted, I picked it up after becoming fascinated with patchwork pattern and colours at a quilt show at a local library.

  21. #96
    Junior Member Derla's Avatar
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    I was probably very wrong, but I let my grandkids know about how much it cost in $$$ to make a quilt - hoping that would help them appreciate it. Was I wrong to do that?

  22. #97
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    No! It 's important for her to see how you manage money and to know how much it costs to make something beautiful. I'm sure you gave he a valuable lesson! Ask her what she thinks about it - bet she give a wise answer!!

  23. #98
    Super Member IBQUILTIN's Avatar
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    Some people do not understand the amount of time and love that goes into a beautiful quilt. Those are the ones that only get one, or none at all if I figure it out first, Those that love and appreciate them, are the recipients of all my love and care, quilted over time. Don't let it upset you, she has no clue, just don't let it happen again with her. The next one you may the joy of someone's heart. Don't quit

  24. #99
    Super Member Jill's Avatar
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    I can only imagine the sadness of seeing the quilt treated that way, but we have no control over what happens after we gift it to someone. Let's face it, we love fabric, and we love the process of making a quilt, but not all people do and they do not understand how much time or money we spend at our passion. I gave one of my sisters a quilt a couple of years ago and later she told me she gave it away. I had spent so much time selecting colors she liked (and colors I didn't much care for) and a design that I thought really suited her. I have tried not to take it personally, but I will admit that I was really surprised when she told me. I have had to just let go of it and now I make quilts for people who I hope and trust enjoy them and care for them.

  25. #100
    Senior Member newbiequilter's Avatar
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    I know how hurt I was when I saw that the wall hanging I had crafted out of vintage lace, fabric and buttons was being disgarded by the recipient. However, when her son took it for his own, that make me happier - especially to see it displayed in his new home.
    It is interesting to see that the quilts I do for Project Linus and for donations to Hands of Hope and the local Cancer center are given without reservations, however those I make for family members are closely watched. It is VERY hard to let go of something that is a gift of love to someone close. I understand the "letting go" theory, but it is still.....HARD.

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