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PurplePassion 07-25-2009 10:39 AM

About 2 years ago , I made my son a queen size quilt -with Harley bandanas and bike print fabrics. It took me 2 years to get it done, trying to get it just right. I gave it to him for Christmas and he really liked it. Well I went over to his house yesterday to drop off some stuff; he was at work. The bedroom door was open and I saw the quilt laying on the bed . so I went in to see how it looked on the bed. and my heart just about stopped. I saw a couple of big holes in it. I asked the DIL what happened to the quilt? She said , he locked the dog in the bedroom , one day when they were gone, so she wouldn't get into stuff. And she got mad and chewed up the quilt. There were at least 3 huge holes in it and probably alot of little ones. I was just in shock. All the time thinking I had made him something special . :cry: I don't know if I should try to patch it , so it doesn't fall apart some more? What do you think? I still have some of the fabrics. I hate patching!
That whole family --my son, his wife and 3 kids--they never take care of anything or appreciate anything. But they are always asking for stuff.
Thanks for listening --Elaine

Ninnie 07-25-2009 10:41 AM

You should go get it and bring it home with you!!!!!

jacquemoe 07-25-2009 10:46 AM

Don't repair it!!!!!!!!!!!! FORGET IT! Just think how you'd feel if you repaired it and same thing happened. Did you get an apology? My ex DIL put one of my quilt in the dog cage with the dog and went to work. It's long before I was making decent quilts but I did put some time into it.

Okay. Do what Loretta says and repair it...............then keep it and put it in your will for your son LOL

Boston1954 07-25-2009 10:49 AM


Originally Posted by Ninnie
You should go get it and bring it home with you!!!!!

AND KEEP IT. He does not deserve anything hand made if he is going to treat it like that. You put too much time into this for it to be wrecked!!

A friend of mine once told me she made a quilt for her mother. The mother put the hand made quilt on the bed to protect a store bought comforter from getting dirty by the dog jumping on it. She said she would NEVER AGAIN make anything for her mother.

Teacup 07-25-2009 10:51 AM

That's heartbreaking. It sounds like it wasn't intentional with the dog, but very frustrating to see what happened to your hard work, which I'm sure you put a lot of thought into as well as time and expense. I'd only offer to repair it if you think they WANT it repaired. Did they show regret/remorse for what happened to they quilt? Are they heartsick? If so, you can be generous and give the quilt more time and energy with repairs. If not, you might want to leave it be and just resolve to not make any more big quilted projects as their gifts...perhaps a small utility lap quilt, a table runner or something that won't take as much effort or be quite so frustrating to witness if they don't take care of it.

PurplePassion 07-25-2009 10:55 AM

She said he was really upset about it. And they no longer have the dog; she was put to sleep in April --old age and health problems.
I have too many quilts that I want to make for fun,--I don't know if I can be happy patching this one? I am always glad when I get one done and it can leave the house; so I can work on another one. I haven't talked to him about it yet.

henryparrish76 07-25-2009 10:58 AM

I would just leave it as it is. Your son is old enough now to know how to be responsible and take care of his things.
If your son asks you to patch it up for him, do it on the condition that he doesn't let the dog get to it again because this repair will be the last repair you do on it, and explain the reason above about him being old enough to take care of his things.

kwhite 07-25-2009 11:18 AM

I know this isn't the same thing but it puts me in mind of when my daughter was little and made a huge mess in her room. She was too small to clean it but not too small to sit in a chair and watch me clean it for two hours. By the time it was done she knew not to do that again. She did do it again though when she was 12 or so. I cleaned her room for 8 hours that time and when she came home and saw it was all happy until I evicted her from the room. She slept on the couch for a month. She was allowed to point to things she wanted in her room and I went in to get them. When she was allowed back in the room she kept it spotless.

If you want to repair it make him sit and watch what it takes to do. Maybe then he will take care of it.

Iluv2quilt 07-25-2009 11:22 AM

What a nightmare! I'd be horrified! My heart goes out to you, all that loving hard work. I'm not sure what I'd do, maybe take it back, repair it and wait until the kids are old enough (20s?) to appreciate what grandma did. I'm sorry that happened.

suzi

PurplePassion 07-25-2009 11:27 AM

He is 33 years old. He has seen me work on other quilts . He knows how much I put into them. He doesn't have time to come over and help me with things I need help with. He sure wouldn't sit here for days to watch me fix his quilt and listen to me bitch at him some more , about taking care of his things. I like to quilt alone. I guess I just have to cool off a bit from this one.

marsye 07-25-2009 11:27 AM

Don't repair and from now on just give him a box of chocolate covered cherries (they are cheap!) as a gift. :mrgreen:

Moonpi 07-25-2009 11:28 AM

No suggestions, but I know how upset you must be. [[[[[[hugs]]]]]]

PurplePassion 07-25-2009 11:31 AM

moonpi , thank you,

gcathie 07-25-2009 11:32 AM

guess I see it a little different.......seems to me he knew this would hurt you and couldn't tell you about what happened to the quilt....after the fact he should have known better .......and they weren't thinking when the dog was left in there and accidents do happen........I would make a new one and say now take care of this one......after all it is just a quilt......and life goes on..........I'm a fine one to give advice....I pretty much have all my quilts cause I can't stand the thought of someone not loving them like I do....:-)

Common Mom...forgive and make him another.....you both will feel better for it......:-).....Boys will be boys....yatta yattta....:-)

Knot Sew 07-25-2009 11:45 AM

You could make him and his wife a new quilt something easy... like warm wishes...or going on 20...use reasonable priced fabric....then give them the new one bring the other one home to FIX...and forget where you got it till the dog grows up...or they do :wink:

butterflywing 07-25-2009 11:47 AM

when he asks for another hand-made quilt can you buy him one made in china?


Baren*eh*ked_canadian 07-25-2009 11:53 AM

I'm not sure what advice to give, I would be VERY upset with anyone who (accidentally or otherwise) was so thoughtless with ANY gift, I think it's even worse since he knows full well how much time and effort it takes to make a quilt. My first thought was that he knew you would be upset so maybe that's why he didn't say anything... but it's always worse when you find out on your own, eh?

I made a quilt for my brother and his girlfriend this spring when they had their first baby (she's 4 months pregnant again :shock: :roll: ) and some of the stitching came out in the laundry, she was pretty upset about it, but the best thing she could have done was tell me about it, I WILL fix it.

dunster 07-25-2009 11:54 AM

I agree with gcathie. An older dog often does things that are unexpected and out of character. I'm sure they wouldn't have locked him in the room knowing that he would destroy anything. And afterwards, they were ashamed to show you the damage. Your son and DIL were still keeping the quilt on the bed, so it seems that they did cherish it, even after it was damaged. Talk to your son, but with love rather than resentment. Look at this as a great opportunity to make another quilt. It will strenghen the bonds between you and your son and DIL.

HMK 07-25-2009 12:00 PM

Having experienced the same thing with a wedding quilt I made for a friend of our daughter, I know the feelings you're going through. I picked the perfect pattern to have meaning for them and we all know how much time and thoughts of the person we put into these. About a year later they came to town with the quilt in tow and asked if I could repair it - the dog had eatien a humungeous hole right in the centre of it. I took it home and that gave me a cooling off period and after really looking at it, realized that I would never be able to repair it. The friend is a Geriatric Nurse and thinks everything should be bleached and yup, that's what it looked like she'd done or washed it in very hot water a gazillion times.

This made me sit and have a talk with myself. "Self" explained that I had enjoyed making it for them and all the planning and I enjoyed giving it to them for their wedding. Once a gift is given, it's the receiptient's and what they do with it is up to them.

I wouldn't repair it and I wouldn't harbour any ill feelings - they just didn't know any better and accidents happen. Just let it go.

Joan 07-25-2009 12:12 PM

Elaine-I would be sick about it, too. The baby quilt I made for my first grandson was washed in bleach by his daddy. I don't have to tell you how it looks now, you get the picture. After being angry for a long time, I decided it would be better for "me" to focus on the enjoyment I had thinking about my future grandson (the "joy" of the process) and the wonderful feeling of accomplishment. Once it leaves my hands, I've decdided that I am no longer the owner and not responsible. I would hope my quilts would get tender, loving care but I can't ever guarantee they will. No, I would not repair it.

I know he's your son and you still love him very much. I did make a second quilt for my grandson and gave specific care instructions. But, just remember making it is the "pay-off" or pleasure for you not checking in years (or months) later to see how it's holding up.

It was a very hard lesson for me to learn.....

ctquilter 07-25-2009 12:12 PM

I agree with gcathie and dunster. IMHO your son and DIL really do appreciate
your hard work because the quilt is still on their bed holes and all!

patricej 07-25-2009 12:15 PM

some important facts stand out for me.

(1) she did say they felt terrible about what happened to the quilt. in their shoes, i might also have put off telling you what had happened until i had no choice. we might all be grown, but i'll bet most of us are still kids when it comes to our parents. (i'm waaaaaaaaay not 25 anymore, but my father is still Daddy. ;-) )
(2) it's difficult to believe they'd have left that quilt on the bed if they knew what the dog would do to it.
(3) they didn't throw the quilt away. they not only kept it - holes and all - what's left of it is still displayed on the bed. is it possible that they still treasure it and all the memories it now represents?

sunnyhope 07-25-2009 12:37 PM

I would either leave the quilt there and NEVER ever make something for them again.

Or i would take the quilt with me home and repair it if and when you fancy doing so but i would still not never make anything for ppl that are so careless like they seem to be.

When you get something you know someone has spent a long time making for you the least thing you do is to take care of it.

I d be furious with him if i was you, actually i d be tempted to kill him and give him a extremely good seeing too.

Do not let ppl treat you and ur crafts like this, you are way too good for that.

Sending you loads of hugs

wesing 07-25-2009 12:44 PM

Elaine -

I'm going to wade in with a guy's perspective here. It was still on the bed, and he elected not to tell you. I'm guessing he was sick about it also and didn't want to hurt your feelings by asking for a repair, but it still meant enough to him to continue using it. And, he used it even though it's usefulness and durability were compromised. Remember the best-loved quilts will not end up in a museum; they will end their lives threadbare and finally thrown away when they literally fall apart in the washer.

Once you give a gift, it isn't yours anymore. If the recipient loves it and uses it, that's a great compliment to you. If they sell it in the garage sale or pack it in the attic, well, you made a legitimate effort and they didn't like the gift as much as you thought. It's the thought that counts, right?

Try to think of it this way: What if he came to you in ten years and said "Mom, I love this quilt, but it's been on the bed so long and been washed so many times the stuffing is coming out. What should I do now? Could you make me another one?" I'm sure your heart would melt and you'd rush to the fabric store! This one just got "worn out" earlier than either of you expected. Now that he knows you know about the holes, he may ask for a repair. If he does just smile and do the best you can knowing he still wants to use the quilt.

Sorry if this sounds preachy, but I have relatives who don't take care of things either. I also have a relative who is mortally insulted if she gives me something and I don't use/wear it the way she thinks I should. So believe me when I tell you I understand both sides of this equation. You have the advantage because you can get your joy from the creating and giving.

Darren



Vickymomof6 07-25-2009 12:50 PM

If they didn't come to you and tell you about it maybe they felt really bad and were trying to not hurt your feelings. I would come right out and ask him if he would like it fixed.

Vicky

pittsburgpam 07-25-2009 12:54 PM

I would be sick about it too and sorry that happened. Take comfort that they didn't mean for that to happen. It's not like they took it out to the yard for the kids to play with and then left it for the dog.

It was an unforseen accident and they too are sorry it happened. I would repair it and give it back. It might take years for that to get done but if it is not repaired and is still being used it's not going to last as long as it could.

kluedesigns 07-25-2009 12:59 PM

once you give it to someone its in their charge. you can't give them a hard time over it and take it back to fix it.

if you don't think they appreciate your efforts then don't do it anymore.

quiltswithdogs 07-25-2009 01:17 PM

Purple, you must be so sad. It's not the dog's fault. It's his for not training his dog out of separation anxiety behavior as well as not thinking to take the quilt off the bed. Too bad it wasn't his guitar or something he made. I think that if he didn't ask you to repair it, don't offer. If he does, say you are sorry but you just hate to repair so must say no because you are currently so busy with new projects. If he wants a new quilt, you can say you'll think about it ...but then, secretly start planning one for his next big occasion ie 40th BD! It will be a happy project. After such a long wait, when you present it to him at his party, he will be surprised and humbled and so grateful, he will treat it with much more care.

That's what I quickly thought up without even knowing you and I realize it may not be the advise best suited for you.

BellaBoo 07-25-2009 02:03 PM

I know exactly how you feel. Been there. Now when one of my kids ask me to make them a quilt/wallhanging/placemats, etc. I tell them sure. Go buy the fabric, thread, book or pattern or give me the money to buy it and I'll make it. If they have money in it they will take better care of it. I demand quilt shop fabric too! I seldom make anything other then utility quilts for non quilters.

Tink's Mom 07-25-2009 02:04 PM

I also have a careless adult son...something similar happened to the quilt I made him a few years ago...
He brought the quilt over to be washed, (yes, he still does his laundry here) and says, Mom, the dog was chewing the other day and you need to repair the quilt you made....I asked how the dog got at it and he had folded it up so that it was a nice comfy bed for the dog....
I repaired it....I took 12" squares of fabric top and bottom and turned the edges under and stitched it over the holes and made an X to hold it in place.....

He held it up, and looked at it....never said anything but, Thanks...I think his red cheeks :oops: said all that was neccessary....P.S. it is still being used.....

peaceandjoy 07-25-2009 03:09 PM


Originally Posted by PurplePassion
That whole family --my son, his wife and 3 kids--they never take care of anything or appreciate anything. But they are always asking for stuff.

Accidents do happen, and dogs (pets) can be as loved as any family member. However, the end of what you wrote is what I would base my decision on. Yes, they probably are upset over what happened, but if they don't care for their things, or appreciate what is done for/given to them, then I wouldn't spend more time, energy or resources on it.

Many of us have had the sad experience of hand made gifts being treated less than lovingly, or (just as bad for me!) put away "to keep them nice." I do tell the people I give quilts to, child or adult (or new moms) that I want them to use the quilt. That doesn't mean ABUSE it, though!

quiltykitty 07-25-2009 03:27 PM

I know you are hurting and sick about the destruction of that quilt. I think Henry, Darren and HMK gave excellent advice. Once something you make is gifted, then it is beyond your control. We can not police our adult children. Nor would I want to do so.

My rule for myself. Once it leaves the house it belongs to whomever and how they chose to use it is up to them. And that includes any abuse. That being said, I chose my fabric, pattern and time spent in the making with that in mind. Someone who does not treat their things well will probably get the lesser quality fabric, the easy pattern, and quick quilting.


Shemjo 07-25-2009 03:29 PM

It had to be a heartbreaker for you to find that quilt with the holes. The dog was old and already being punished. It was an unfortuante happening that was unforeseen. The dog was locked in the bedroom. I'm sure the quilt was not thought about at the time. Afterward, well, you can't fix stupid! I'm sure there was some head banging that went on, but after the fact, the damage has been done. They kept the quilt on the bed, so it was valued. It is a really hard call. I think I would wait and see if they ask for you to mend it. If they do, I would be slow to actually do the mending. And I would make smaller projects for them in the future. :?

amandasgramma 07-25-2009 03:34 PM

I hear how you feel!!! For years I've been doing stained glass projects...the REAL stuff - glass, leading, cut fingers, the whole bit. My son and his wife do NOT have any I've given them AND my daughter has 3 ---ALL with broken glass!!! It makes me sick. I refuse to give them anything anymore -- I give them gift certificates. These were not one time accidents....which may be your case. My heart goes out to you!

renee765 07-25-2009 04:03 PM

What a terrible feeling this must be! I've been noticing that my kids (35, 33 and 30 yr old kids) don't really take much interest in all the quilts and quilting going on in my house. I think, from their perspective, this is just what Mom's 'into' right now. Because of that lack of interest, I've decided not to gift any family members with quilts right now. I will make them each a quilt, however, and save it to be given to them when I'm no longer around. I know that it will mean a lot more to them then. For now, I look forward to quilting for donations (like to senior citizens in a home who don't get any visitors). Maybe this sounds morbid, but just know that my kids aren't really interested right now, and by saving them a quilt for later might be more meaningful.

My 2 cents worth.

PurplePassion 07-25-2009 04:10 PM

Well, I had laid down and took a 2 hour nap; cuz I had been so stressed out this week -- work and stuff. And came back to check in here. I was surprised with all the different replies. and different ways you would all handle this situation. I liked Darren's input. I know, boys will be boys; my son has never been one to be "careful and take care of things." So , why I expected him to start Now---is My mistake. I saw that he Loved the quilt when I gave it to him. I know it was an accident; the dog didn't know any better; maybe she thought he loved the quilt more than her??
I think I would like to repair what I can of it , so it will hold up a little better. I do have the fabrics yet, so that shouldn't be too hard. They are just going to look like bandaids. Lord knows , he has had plenty of those in his life! And I still do love him.
THANK YOU EVERYONE , for all your input. And your stories , it did make me feel better! And now makes me rethink my giving of quilts. I guess , not stress over how they look , points matching ,stitches not showing , the right color, ect.... Maybe, just throw it together , give it a hug, and say goodbye.
Thanks again friends, Elaine

thismomquilts 07-25-2009 04:49 PM

I know you've had alot of input already, but here are my thoughts. I'm sure that the dog thing was an accident. Your son does know what you put into a quilt. He loves the quilt, you said. They still use it. It was given to them as a gift. Maybe you could take it and repair it - using what like materials you have but if you have to patch it with a different fabric MAYBE they will think about it each time they see the different fabric and realize just how much THEY mean to you and appreciate it a bit more??? Here's hoping... I love to see my give away quilts used. One I gave away I was never thanked for - but three years later when that baby was playing with her baby dolls - I made another for her babies!! She uses it all the time - and quite frankly the more worn it gets, the better she'll like it.

peaceandjoy 07-25-2009 04:51 PM


Originally Posted by renee765
What a terrible feeling this must be! I've been noticing that my kids (35, 33 and 30 yr old kids) don't really take much interest in all the quilts and quilting going on in my house. I think, from their perspective, this is just what Mom's 'into' right now. Because of that lack of interest, I've decided not to gift any family members with quilts right now. I will make them each a quilt, however, and save it to be given to them when I'm no longer around. I know that it will mean a lot more to them then. For now, I look forward to quilting for donations (like to senior citizens in a home who don't get any visitors). Maybe this sounds morbid, but just know that my kids aren't really interested right now, and by saving them a quilt for later might be more meaningful.

My 2 cents worth.

This is me, too, although my DD's are a bit younger (23 & 18). So I give my quilts away - although hoping they won't end up like OP's - and hope that maybe some day, even if it's when I'm gone... Guess I'll have to be sure to make some and have them "stashed" instead of giving them all away!

tlrnhi 07-25-2009 06:05 PM

Elaine, like you said, you had a nap and you have figured out what you are going to do.
I really think your son treasures the quilt because if he didn't, I think he would have tossed it.
So, get the quilt, put the bandaids on it. That's what we moms do when our kids have "boo-boo's", and patch it up. Maybe put OUCH or something on some of the patches,,,just for fun.
Then maybe he'll be a little more caring when he decides to leave the quilt with a dog/pup again.

blahel 07-25-2009 06:31 PM

If i was punishing a dog i certainly wouldnt put it in MY bedroom..I would put it in the garage with an old blanket or the laundry room...but hey thats just me... :lol: and whats wrong with his own kennel...


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