Originally Posted by nancia
thanks everyone for the positive posts! i am trying to raise my spirit, but i think it's stuck in lisa's mud, with no firemen in sight!
i was once an excellent speller and then i became a teacher! after years of seeing words spelled wrong, they begin to look right. i do have spell check but i drive it crazy because i don't use capitals. and it won't tell me when i use the wrong word either! jeanne, i love your new word "exhaustertested". probable meaning--tired of being tested, leave me alone! i'm not laughing at you! i think it conveys a very strong message!
missy--how wonderful! i hope you will get to spend some quality time together! just knowing she is safe is more valuable than gold!
irish--have you heard of, or tried, under armor? it's supposed to be wonderful! all the young guys who were working outside for my old employer swore by the stuff! i am asking for a pair of sheepskin lined slippers this year. my feet have never had much circulation, and even tho' they felt cold to the touch (my poor husband! LOL) they didn't feel cold to me. this fall i've noticed they are getting cold. also, invest in a down comforter if you can. sorry, but even quilts are not as warm and lightweight. ooppsss, is that blasphemy?
i have no idea what my weight is doing. i am trying to get back in the groove as i feel all puffy and sausagey.(spellchecker doesn't recognize that word!)
part of my sadness is due to my mom's condition. i haven't seen her in almost 6 yrs because i don't like her. she is now in a memory unit with altzheimers and has started getting violent. she would no longer recognize me if i did show up. in a way it is more of a death than her actual passing. she is still my mother, so i still reluctantly have feelings. she was a good friend to a lot of people, but we never got along. clash of the titans! she hated that i didn't agree with her on much of anything. i hope her remaining life is short for her sake. she is 91 and wanted to die long ago. the life she has now is what she envisioned as her personal hell. i would not wish that on anyone. so, i think that's a large part of what's eating me and causing me to eat.
Nancia,we have to love our mothers,but we don't have to like them.Or what they do to us or how they treat us.I loved my mother too,but she had a streak in her that was just plain wicked.I nor my siblings are nothing like her,that way thank god.She passed yrs ago,and I still miss her at times.At other times,I was angry,but it does get better with time.You didn't do this to your mom.It's not your fault,nor your burden to carry.And it's unfortunate your mom is old and has altizmers.I know all too well what altizmers is and does to people.It's a cruel fate we wouldn't wish on anybody,even our enemies. I wouldn't want anybody to have it.We are not all peas in the same pod,and we are not all going to jive weather family or not.And thank god we're not.Or it would be a boring place.The Bible says Iron sharpens Iron.So our enemies help to spur us on sometimes to do things we might not have otherwise done. You going on a guilt trip will hurt no body but your self.And when you'r done,you'll feel worse.Many of us here have done that,emotional eating.It doesn't solve any problems,but creates more when you gain the weight back.Because the issues are still going to be there.Instead of eating,sit down and write her {mom}a letter and tell her how you feel.Get it all out.I do that,and it works.I was surprised just what therapy that was for me.Then when your done,take it and burn it.Then look ahead to the future with Olivia,who is a bright spot in your heart and tell her you will continue to lose the weight so you will be around to see her grow up and see her children.Meantime,Olivia is going to need that quilt this winter which is just around the corner. Put your mind and energy into that instead of the refridgerator.Padalock that fridge!No,you can't have that food!Sorry,That 16 pounds has a lot of hard work,sweat,and tears put into it to just toss it away like that.We can't go back and change anything in the past.The only thing we can change is our now and our future.I doubt your mom does know anybody at this stage of the disease.Sometimes,that's a blessing I think.I know when hubby had it 4 yrs ago and was in a locked facility,he at times didn't know who I was but after 3 weeks god healed him and his mind hasn't bobbled since.He has no recollection of that 2 month stay at all, nor the hospital.And I am truely thankful he doesn't. I'm sure your mom loves you.And knows you love her.In the spirit relm,you just know and feel it with out it being said.And of course, she wouldn't want you feeling guilty about anything.She'd want you to go on and be happy and do things for Olivia and the rest of the family.Your job is to go on and live life to the fullest.And to be the sharp tacked witty nancia that we all love and know here on the board.I'm forging ahead,not looking back.Is there anything I regret or would do differently?Probably.But I reached a point where I don't even look back,because quite frankly,I'm not the same person I was back then even.And neither are you.Our young girl mentality has been replaced with a mature woman outlook we didn't have back then.And it only comes from and with experience that life teaches us.The last time I looked back,I said to myself,there is nothing here for me anymore.And that was many yrs ago.And I haven't even thought about it till tonight.And I'm glad,cause I've outgrown,and overcome that part of my life and there is just no place for it in my life now.And I'm sure not going to let anything get a grip on me again to where I emotional eat over it.I've fought hard for every ounce I got off,and will continue to fight for it.You do the same.You can do it,I know you can.You just fight back and say no,you will not win.I am in control and I am losing weight.I will continue to lose too.I will not let anything control me,I am the one in charge of my emotions.