imsewnso

I am in agreement with the people that said send the top and explain that with quilting costs....as you do not do the quilting yourself and the shipping costs you thought it would be best if she had it quilted where she lives. That way the quilter and her could decide on what she would like. Tell her that you hope she likes the top that you did. I agree you are between a rock and a hard place.

Material Witness

Just send her the part you made - the top! Tell her you could not afford to have it quilted, and since it has to be sent out, she can do that as well as you could. Then she can pay the longarmer for the work, the batting, and backing.

cashs_mom

I agree that she's doing it for the niece. However, what lesson is she teaching the niece? That its okay to ask people to do things for you with no thought as to renumeration? I don't think that's a good lesson to teach a young person.

I also agree with sending just the top to her with instructions as to how to get it quilted and bound. If you do send it off, do so without expectations of any reciprocation of any kind. If you do that you won't be disappointed in the response you get or what happens to the quilt.

orangeroom

I'm not sure if you've made up your mind yet or not (as I haven't read all 9 pages), but I'd touch base with her and tell her that you've thought about making her a quilt. Taking everything into consideration, you'd be willing to give her one if she's willing to pay for any materials you already didn't have and the quilting. Also stating that you made one for her daughter as you know her personally and that you hope that by offering your time and some material at no cost to her. See what she says. I'm sure she realizes that the quality of what you gave her daughter is far better than what can be purchased at any Walmart or even fancier dept store. Good luck!

zozee

Sometimes by doing an act of kindness that is truly a sacrifice, our feelings change. Endorphines are released by doing good, even when you don't start out "feeling it". I speak from experience . Making the top has been a labor of love--if for no one other than your niece. You might well be building a bridge with your SIL. Giving something to someone who "doesn't deserve it" is an act of grace. She'll know, and it might be the beginning of healing the relationship. I'm sorry you weren't told about your brother's passing. I can't fathom that if it were one of my in-laws who handled a death that way! My mom didn't tell me that my grandmother (her stepmother) had passed away. I didn't find out for six YEARS, and boy did it ever sting!! But my mom had been cut out of Grandma's life by Grandma's kids, and that was painful. It's so sad. But I chose to forgive my mom because it was hurting me too much not to.

I don't think you need to send a finished, paid-for quilt; that's asking a lot, especially when you don't know if she'll keep it, donate it, use it as a tablecloth as-is, or what. If she appreciates it, or even loves it, she will want to finish it and the onus of the remaining cost will be hers. The very act of calling LAers in her area will open her eyes to the sacrifice that a gift of a quilt truly is.

I hope and pray it goes well. You've done a good thing. I admire you.

scrapnut

I would send the quilt with no bill. Tis better to give than to receive.

mac

What a wonderful explanation. Acting out of love is not always easy, but certainly it is something that we should all practice.

Mousie

I confess I didn't read right to the very end, but 98%.
Just bc you made a quilt for your niece did not mean you had to make
one for her mother, but you did.
Now, you feel that your going to have uneasy feelings no matter what
and I agree.
If you refused, you were going to feel guilty and feel that you disappointed
your niece. I can spot a tenderheart bc I R one...sometimes.
Now you feel like she will accept a quilt from you, (the mother), and may
go back to not talking to you, and she just might.
That is why you have to do SOMETHING so that this is not a bitter pill
to swallow AND bc other family members may jump up and say, "Hey,
you made quilts for so and so and her dd, I want one too."
I'm trying to jog my brain as to what would give you some peace of mind.
I would not just mail the quilt along with a bill.
That would go over very badly and your niece would be hurt as she was not
billed.
I agree that would be like a slap in the face.
So how can you let it be known how much work and money go into these
things?
Is there some way you could suggest she take up quilting, (I mean send the
quilt with a friendly letter), and then fill her in on "how a person that enjoys
the beauty of quilts" could learn and then give her information on the
process.
Suggest she start small, like a wall hanging or a lap and give info on prices
and easy patterns etc. so that between the lines she learns how much went
into this project.
No one could criticize you for inviting her to "The Club", and who knows? she
may actually buy some fabric and get going.
Whatever you do, don't just pay for everything, postage and all and just mail
it and sit with your regrets bc you felt obligated. Do something to help your
own feelings.
Maybe as you guys are getting older, she KNOWS you two don't talk, but maybe
she see's this as an opportunity, a good one I hope, to mend fences.
I will say, there are a lot of ppl, tons...that have NO IDEA what we do or how
much we spend, so I wouldn't just assume she knew she was asking for the moon.

imsewnso

Well said!!!

MadQuilter

Sounds like you are making the quilt as a favor to your niece with whom you have a good relationship. If that is the case, then don't second-guess yourself: finish the darn thing and send it to your niece to give to her mom with your blessing.

You say that the woman (your SIL) hasn't said more than 3 words to you. Did you try to say more to her? Do you want to have a relationship with her? If so, this quilt may be the way to open that door. There are so many possible reasons why she hasn't communicated with you over the years.