judy_68

I want grandbabies

Rhonda

They are the best! There is nothing better than listening to your grandchild singing in the shower! LOL Or the giggle of a toddler! You just can't stay unhappy around little ones.

omak

If you look at God's plan for family, there is a strong place for grandparents, and it is always a joy when our children can trust us with their wee ones. I considered it a big compliment when I could keep grandson #1 with us for a week at a time - - figured DD knew she wouldn't get a brat back, and that was very important to her (and to me!).
Grandparents help parents do things that busy parents sometimes don't have time for. We tend to be more patient and are not so rushed as young parents. The grandchildren learn to respect mom and dad because there are other adults in their family who reinforce what mom and dad say and do.
I couldn't leave my children with my parents because my mom tended to let my kids feel sorry for themselves (very destructive teaching in my opinion). When the kids got old enough to make their own choices about my parents, I encouraged them to decide for themselves where their grandparents fit in. I taught them to respect, but that didn't mean that you had to deal with anyone who didn't respect you in return. (Long story and we are now way past those days).
Regarding depression - - as a melancholy person, I developed the five minute rule: I get to feel whatever I want for five minutes, but then I have to get up and go do something constructive.
it is amazing how little the depression holds on when one becomes focused on something besides oneself - - which is apparently what your DH is learning.
Another + for grandchildren - - they need someone to think about them and having to do something for someone else is always good for the psyche. When we no longer feel needed, then our self-worth takes a real nose-dive. Sometimes, in order to be needed, we have to do something helpful.
I argued with someone in a Sunday School class about "do it whether you feel like it or not". At the time, the thought was totally outside my accepted mode of behavior. If I didn't feel like it, but did it anyway, it never seemed to turn out well, so you know which side of the argument I was on <g>.
I don't know how long I re-played that argument in my mind before I came right up to a moment of choice. I decided to go against what I "wanted" to do, and did what I KNEW to do and to do it with the intent of doing it the best I could do.
You guessed it! I had been wrong all along - - it wasn't whether I wanted to or not - - it was: Whether I would do it with my best effort or just slop through it ...
I have learned that a lot of what we experience through life has much to do with our choice of attitudes.
Being willing to admit to myself that I was wrong was a good first step <g> <wave>

Rhonda

I always take into consideration what the parents want for the kids. When Sara and Ben's kids were little he wouldn't let me use a walker as they teach in Chiro school that it is bad for the back and can cause life long problems. I don't agree but I didn't use the walker. We used a bouncer instead which is like a walker but doesn't move across the floor. They aren't pushing it but jumping up and down instead. I always ask if there is something I'm not sure of. I respect their rights to decide the important issues for their kids. I never kissed my kids on the mouth and was uncomfortable when Sara's kids learned that from the other grandparents and want to kiss us that way. My youngest son asked us not to do it with his kids. I hadn't really realized I had picked up the habit til he pointed it out. So now I am aware and don't do it. It isn't a good thing with germs and all anyway.

When the grands disagree with my decisions I tell them I am responsible for what you do when you are with us and when I die I will be held accountable for how I taught you. There are things I won't let them do and I always explain why I won't allow it. I believe in explaining and not just laying down the law. I did it with my kids too.

I also have trouble with my mom and some family members when it came to my kids. But I told them learning to deal with your difficult family member teaches you how to deal with other difficult people. In our house it went like this - if you can deal with your grandmother and Shirley(Mom's sister) then you can deal with anyone. I always stressed respect for your elders. Desrespect just wasn't allowed. And consequences weren't just grounding.

omak

The best leverage I had was exactly what you say: I face a higher judge than you, and I doubt seriously that God is going to say "Oh! Well! If your ten year old said it shouldn't be that way, then I guess there was nothing else to be said!"
My mom taught me that. Even in my demented mind I knew that she was right when she would use that line of reasoning <g>.
In my home, it was: If you can survive me (as in me, Omak!) then you will get along quite well with anyone else.
I used to think about reasoning with kids, especially when I was one. I thought I was sooo reasonable and resented that my parents didn't try to explain things to me more. Then, I started raising my own kids and found out - - it isn't their job to be reasonable. their job was to question and challenge every step of the way - - it is how they learn to trust and reason. It was my job to know what I was doing and why I was doing it.
Kids will make you really consider the whys and wherefores of everything, if they have a brain in their head. That is just their job. Some challenge more than others, and I think that I relied heavily on Scriptures for my guidance because within its pages I found practical solutions to any situation. And, besides! Some day I wasn't going to be around and the kids needed to know where I was getting my instruction manual. One thing about the Bible - - it is consistent. <wave>

Rhonda

I agree wholeheartedly for the most part. But my parents made decisions for me and I didn't do that willy nilly for my kids. They had a say even if I didn't do what they wanted. My mom thought I should tell my 17 yr old she was getting him a new mattress. I said I will see if he wants a new mattress. She came unglued. Well at 17 he has a brain of his own and if he didn't want one I wasn't going to make him. My mom tends to ride over anyone who doesn't agree with her. So this was also a mom-daughter issue. But we always talked to our kids and they had a part in the decision but they didn't have the last word. I used to say my DD thought she ran our household but she didn't. We did.

I see alot of what we taught our kids in the way our kids interact with their kids. I am proud of all of them. Sometimes I don't agree with the decisions they make with their kids but I never interfere. I may make a comment but it isn't a command and my kids know that. My FIL's rule was in my house it is my rules. You can use your rules at your house. He was a terrific grandpa to the kids but he had rules they didn't break. Not out of fear but out of love and respect.

I had great inlaws and they were terrific to the grands. They had the same values I did and we got along great. It takes a village to raise kids and my inlaws were a part of our "village".

omak

I think the village needs to take care of their own kids and leave my kids to me (and each parent accountable for their own children)
but, I totally agree about allowing kids to have input when they are in a position to do so.
After all, we are in the position of raising future citizens for our nation and family - - it would be a good idea if they know how to make good decisions by practicing around the people who care about them the most.
You probably will really get this - - I encouraged my kids to say "no" if that is what they meant. Like you, I made the final decision, but they had every right to disagree. I didn't want them so used to acquiescing to "authority" that they didn't have the guts to stand on their own two feet and make a definitive decision.
I didn't necessarily want blind obedience, but I did demand honest input and considered debate. As they got older, they figured out when it was okay and when there just wasn't time to debate every move.
In the end, I have to agree that my parents did the best they knew how to do in raising their children. Anything I lacked from them, I tried to provide for my children ... and, wouldn't you know? They didn't think I was very good at parenting, either! LOL
The needs I had as a peculiar child became my goals for four other children, so maybe it was a good thing that my folks missed out on some things - - no one can be all things to all people - - in the end, we are left to do the best we can with the resources we have. Some things have to be discovered on our own time, in our own manner - - maybe that is the circle of life <wave>

cctx.

What a beautiful "cabbage patch" baby...! He looks like a doll!

Rhonda

Thanks cctx He is a doll baby. I love this stage when they are just getting past what I call the ragdoll stage. Where they are learning to control their body. He is so precious! He will likely be the last grandchild tho my granddaughter in law is thinking of another baby but I don't see the great grands as often as my grandkids.

Rhonda

I used to take my kids in the store and tell them they could have whatever they wanted within reason. I didn't spell out the exact amt they could spend but they knew what within reason meant. My parents especially my mom insisted on doing everything for me. I never had an allowance and I didn't have chores. I didn't know how to cook when I got married because Mom always did the cooking. She was the only one who could do it right. So I was determined my kids were going to be independant and think for themselves. They had to know how to make wise decisions as I wouldn 't be there forever for them. My kids made some not so great decisions along the way but they pulled back and figured things out and now all 3 lead productive family lives and know why they believe what they believe. I am very proud of them for that. The proof is in the pudding or in other words how they raise their kids tells how they were raised. With discipline and love and respect. I always believe in respecting my kids and grands and not riding roughshod over them the way my mom does me. You either choose to live like you were taught or you tend to do the exact opposite.

My my how phylisophical we are getting here! LOL