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Thread: A good laugh! A little long but worth the read!

  1. #1
    Senior Member kydeb's Avatar
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    A good laugh! A little long but worth the read!

    ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

    Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

    A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the thing.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

    The directions said that:

    a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

    a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

    a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

    HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

    I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

    Note:

    If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:

    There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is
    dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

    A minute later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

    My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

    The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

    My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..

    My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

    I had no control over the drooling.

    Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

    I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

    I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

    PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

    If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
    Debbie in Kentucky
    kydeb.wordpress.com

  2. #2
    Senior Member kountrykreation's Avatar
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    I'm laughing so hard w/tears rolling down my face. Thanks

  3. #3
    Super Member burchquilts's Avatar
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    Owwie! I love it! Tho I have to admit, I've thought about buying one for my DD (she's a young lawyer who works long hours & I worry about her walking to her car).
    (`v)
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    .*).*)
    (.(. (..`..♥ rebecca

  4. #4
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    Thank You. I am reading this at 8:30 on a great Saturday morning with my DH. Here I am laughing so hard that my computer is moving. My DH in looking at me like I am a crazy women.He took my computer from my lap.Because he just bought this for me a week ago.So with me still laughing he startes to read. We are both laughing with tears running down our faces holding our sides and backs and happy that we have 2 bathrooms.So funny.Thank you once again.

  5. #5
    Super Member coopah's Avatar
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    Hilarious! Just read it to my husband and we both cracked up! Thanks for brightening the day.
    "A woman is like a tea bag-you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water." Eleanor Roosevelt

  6. #6
    Senior Member southernmema's Avatar
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    This is hilarious!! Can't get this word picture out of my mind. Thanks for the laughter!!!!

  7. #7
    Super Member caspharm's Avatar
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    Very funny. I have passed it on to my DH and DS.

  8. #8
    Junior Member
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    great laugh I really needed it this morning

  9. #9
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    loved it and my stomach hurts from laughing

  10. #10
    Senior Member Linda - K.'s Avatar
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    I've seen this before and am laughing just as hard again as I did the first time. This is hilarious!!

    Thanks for posting it--you can't get enough of this one!
    She who dies with the most fabric didn't sew fast enough!

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