Menopausal Women of the Corn -An Essay
08-30-2011, 04:10 AM
#1
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 335
In the year of 1984, Stephen King wrote one of my favourite horror movies called, "Children of the Corn." In 1999, I also created and developed a horror story all of my own that was simply called Menopause.
Sometimes, I am irritable and I don't know why. I have such sudden mood swings that my name could be Sybil, or better yet, Son of Sam. On days when I find people reality challenged I tell them to remove the screen savers off their faces. I beg friends to maintenance text me daily to make sure I am alive.
I have trouble sleeping through the night and have become quite attached to any pillow that gives me comfort, even even if it is not my own. Sometimes I am as dry as the tourist area called Palm Springs without the palms and the sand. The Niagara Falls of yesterday, has succumbed to human global warming unless it's a hot flash. Now the only things that excite me are Pawn Shop television shows, shark porn on the Discovery Channel and Extreme Couponing. My only erotic thoughts now are of apocalypse sex.
Hair has stopped growing in some places, yet it insists on sprouting on other unusual areas on my face. It also grows, without the help any fertilization whatsoever at the speed of light.
Suddenly within hours, a few hairs on my chin, reflected by my handy flashlight, are so long I could knit a sweater with them. I am no longer ghetto fab.
Some days I have Googleheimers when I am writing and find myself typing in as many words as I can in "search" to remember. Any celebrity that now dies around my age causes me to become a Facebook Necrologist. I am driving myself and others mad with my multiple postings.
I have gastrointestinal distress as they call it, and sometimes air comes out of places it should not.
Where does all this air come from? Sometimes it gets so bad I have to go on a *beef walk and I honestly think I could be sent out for hire at a local party shop to inflate balloons. Menopause also handed me celiac disease on a silver platter and if I am not careful with what I eat I find myself down to my "last chance" undies.
I gain weight easily, and have somehow have achieved an extra horse's butt in the past few years. Some days I feel like I should be sent out to pasture for good because I have developed fat hangovers with my cravings. I am in continual carb coma mode.
Menopause has brought changes in body odor, and I now have to use Tom's Natural Deodorant.
After years of using "Secret", I now have an allergy to it, and every other deodorant known to mankind. Have you ever used Tom's Natural Deodorant of Maine? I rest my case and will smell like my Grandmother for the rest of my life.
I can stand in the middle of a garden and single handedly soak the land. Forget Hoover Dam supplying America's energy! I can heat up a family home of four in about 3.5 seconds and on days when I have many caffeine windows people are looking for the coming of Noah's Ark.
Ladies, let us all join hands and spread the heat.
Because we are all just Menopausal Women of the Corn.
Words and Images by Linda Seccaspina 2011
Shot on location on the Appleton side road as they call it in Ontario, Canada.
*Beef Walk-Going outside or away from the group in order to fart with less consequence.
Sometimes, I am irritable and I don't know why. I have such sudden mood swings that my name could be Sybil, or better yet, Son of Sam. On days when I find people reality challenged I tell them to remove the screen savers off their faces. I beg friends to maintenance text me daily to make sure I am alive.
I have trouble sleeping through the night and have become quite attached to any pillow that gives me comfort, even even if it is not my own. Sometimes I am as dry as the tourist area called Palm Springs without the palms and the sand. The Niagara Falls of yesterday, has succumbed to human global warming unless it's a hot flash. Now the only things that excite me are Pawn Shop television shows, shark porn on the Discovery Channel and Extreme Couponing. My only erotic thoughts now are of apocalypse sex.
Hair has stopped growing in some places, yet it insists on sprouting on other unusual areas on my face. It also grows, without the help any fertilization whatsoever at the speed of light.
Suddenly within hours, a few hairs on my chin, reflected by my handy flashlight, are so long I could knit a sweater with them. I am no longer ghetto fab.
Some days I have Googleheimers when I am writing and find myself typing in as many words as I can in "search" to remember. Any celebrity that now dies around my age causes me to become a Facebook Necrologist. I am driving myself and others mad with my multiple postings.
I have gastrointestinal distress as they call it, and sometimes air comes out of places it should not.
Where does all this air come from? Sometimes it gets so bad I have to go on a *beef walk and I honestly think I could be sent out for hire at a local party shop to inflate balloons. Menopause also handed me celiac disease on a silver platter and if I am not careful with what I eat I find myself down to my "last chance" undies.
I gain weight easily, and have somehow have achieved an extra horse's butt in the past few years. Some days I feel like I should be sent out to pasture for good because I have developed fat hangovers with my cravings. I am in continual carb coma mode.
Menopause has brought changes in body odor, and I now have to use Tom's Natural Deodorant.
After years of using "Secret", I now have an allergy to it, and every other deodorant known to mankind. Have you ever used Tom's Natural Deodorant of Maine? I rest my case and will smell like my Grandmother for the rest of my life.
I can stand in the middle of a garden and single handedly soak the land. Forget Hoover Dam supplying America's energy! I can heat up a family home of four in about 3.5 seconds and on days when I have many caffeine windows people are looking for the coming of Noah's Ark.
Ladies, let us all join hands and spread the heat.
Because we are all just Menopausal Women of the Corn.
Words and Images by Linda Seccaspina 2011
Shot on location on the Appleton side road as they call it in Ontario, Canada.
*Beef Walk-Going outside or away from the group in order to fart with less consequence.
08-30-2011, 04:18 AM
#3
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 335
Originally Posted by AlwaysQuilting
I can relate.
Wait a minute...do I really want to admit that on a public forum?
Wait a minute...do I really want to admit that on a public forum?
08-30-2011, 04:48 AM
#10
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 335
Originally Posted by bearisgray
:roll: :thumbup: :lol:
And to think that so many of us manage to survive Menopause!
Wonder why "it" is called menopause instead of menostop?
And to think that so many of us manage to survive Menopause!
Wonder why "it" is called menopause instead of menostop?
Thread
Thread Starter
Forum
Replies
Last Post
gjc2001
General Chit-Chat (non-quilting talk)
21
12-03-2014 03:33 AM
