A very weird thing has happened.
A strange old lady has moved into my house.
I have no idea who she is,
where she came from,
or how she got in.
I certainly did note invite her.
All I know is that one day she wasn't there
and the next day she was.
She is very clever.
She manages to keep out of sight
for the most part,
but whenever I pass a mirror,
I catch a glimpse of her.
And whenever I look in the mirror directly,
to check my appearance,
there she is, hogging the whole thing
and completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body.
This is very rude.
I have tried screaming at her to stop it,
but she just screams back, grimacing horribly.
She is really quite frightening!
She insists on hanging around,
the least she could do is offer to pay a little rent.
Every once in a while I do find a dollar bill
stuck in a coat pocket,
or some loose change under a sofa cushion,
but that is not nearly enough.
In fact, I don't want to jump to conclusions,
but I think she is stealing money from me.
I go to the ATM and withdraw one hundred dollars
and a few days later it is all gone.
I certainly don't spend money that fast
so I can only conclude that the old lady is pilfering from me.
You would think she would use some of that money
to buy some wrinkle cream.
God knows she needs it!
And money isn't the only thing I think she is taking.
Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate too.
Especially the good stuff like
ice cream, cookies and candy.
I just can't seem to keep that stuff in the house any more.
She must really have a sweet tooth,
but she better watch it
because she is really packing on the pounds!
I think she realizes that and too make herself feel better
she is tampering with my scale to make me think
that I am putting on weight too.
For an old lady, she really is quite childish though.
She like to play these really nasty games
like going into my closets when I'm not home
and altering my clothes so that they don't fit.
Or messing with my files and papers
so that I can't find them.
This is particularly annoying
since I am an extremely neat and organized person.
She fiddles with my DVR to make it not record
what I have carefully and correctly programmed it to record.
She has found imaginative other ways to annoy me.
She gets to my mail, newspapers, and magazines
before I do and somehow
blurs the print so badly that I can't see it.
And she has done something really sinister
to the volume controls on my TV, radio and telephone
so that all I hear are mumbles and whispers.
She had done other things like make my stairs steeper,
my vacuum cleaner heavier
and all my knobs and faucets hard to turn.
She even made my bed higher
so that getting into and out of it is a real challenge.
Further more, she gets to my groceries
before I get them put away
and applies super glue to the lids
making it almost impossible for me to open them.
Is this any way to repay my hospitality?
I don't even get any respite at night
because more than once her snoring has awakened me.
It is very unattractive!
And as if that weren't bad enough,
she is no longer confining her tactics to the house.
She has found a way to sneak into my car
and follow me everywhere I go.
She has completely taken the fun out of shopping for clothes.
When I try something on, she tries on the exact outfit
and stands in front of the dressing room mirror
and monopolizes it.
She looks totally ridiculous in the outfit
and plus she keeps me from seeing
how great it looks on me.
Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner,
she proved me wrong.
She came with me to get my drivers license picture taken
and just as the camera shutter clicked,
she jumped right in front of me!
Who is going to believe
that the picture of that old lady is me?
She is walking on very thin ice now
and if she keeps this up,
I swear I will have her put away!
But then, on second thought,
maybe I shouldn't be too hasty.
I think I will check with the IRS
and see if I can claim her as a dependent.