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Thread: An old lady has moved into my house

  1. #1
    Senior Member BARES's Avatar
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    Dec 2006
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    Where the sun sets.
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    325
    A very weird thing has happened.
    A strange old lady has moved into my house.
    I have no idea who she is,
    where she came from,
    or how she got in.
    I certainly did note invite her.
    All I know is that one day she wasn't there
    and the next day she was.

    She is very clever.
    She manages to keep out of sight
    for the most part,
    but whenever I pass a mirror,
    I catch a glimpse of her.
    And whenever I look in the mirror directly,
    to check my appearance,
    there she is, hogging the whole thing
    and completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body.
    This is very rude.
    I have tried screaming at her to stop it,
    but she just screams back, grimacing horribly.
    She is really quite frightening!

    She insists on hanging around,
    the least she could do is offer to pay a little rent.
    But, NO!
    Every once in a while I do find a dollar bill
    stuck in a coat pocket,
    or some loose change under a sofa cushion,
    but that is not nearly enough.

    In fact, I don't want to jump to conclusions,
    but I think she is stealing money from me.
    I go to the ATM and withdraw one hundred dollars
    and a few days later it is all gone.
    I certainly don't spend money that fast
    so I can only conclude that the old lady is pilfering from me.

    You would think she would use some of that money
    to buy some wrinkle cream.
    God knows she needs it!
    And money isn't the only thing I think she is taking.
    Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate too.
    Especially the good stuff like
    ice cream, cookies and candy.
    I just can't seem to keep that stuff in the house any more.
    She must really have a sweet tooth,
    but she better watch it
    because she is really packing on the pounds!
    I think she realizes that and too make herself feel better
    she is tampering with my scale to make me think
    that I am putting on weight too.

    For an old lady, she really is quite childish though.
    She like to play these really nasty games
    like going into my closets when I'm not home
    and altering my clothes so that they don't fit.
    Or messing with my files and papers
    so that I can't find them.
    This is particularly annoying
    since I am an extremely neat and organized person.
    She fiddles with my DVR to make it not record
    what I have carefully and correctly programmed it to record.

    She has found imaginative other ways to annoy me.
    She gets to my mail, newspapers, and magazines
    before I do and somehow
    blurs the print so badly that I can't see it.
    And she has done something really sinister
    to the volume controls on my TV, radio and telephone
    so that all I hear are mumbles and whispers.

    She had done other things like make my stairs steeper,
    my vacuum cleaner heavier
    and all my knobs and faucets hard to turn.
    She even made my bed higher
    so that getting into and out of it is a real challenge.
    Further more, she gets to my groceries
    before I get them put away
    and applies super glue to the lids
    making it almost impossible for me to open them.
    Is this any way to repay my hospitality?

    I don't even get any respite at night
    because more than once her snoring has awakened me.
    It is very unattractive!
    And as if that weren't bad enough,
    she is no longer confining her tactics to the house.
    She has found a way to sneak into my car
    and follow me everywhere I go.
    She has completely taken the fun out of shopping for clothes.

    When I try something on, she tries on the exact outfit
    and stands in front of the dressing room mirror
    and monopolizes it.
    She looks totally ridiculous in the outfit
    and plus she keeps me from seeing
    how great it looks on me.

    Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner,
    she proved me wrong.
    She came with me to get my drivers license picture taken
    and just as the camera shutter clicked,
    she jumped right in front of me!
    Who is going to believe
    that the picture of that old lady is me?

    She is walking on very thin ice now
    and if she keeps this up,
    I swear I will have her put away!
    But then, on second thought,
    maybe I shouldn't be too hasty.
    I think I will check with the IRS
    and see if I can claim her as a dependent.

  2. #2
    Super Member wanderingcreek's Avatar
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    Aug 2010
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    Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
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    I loved that! I'm thinking her sister must live with me! LOL

  3. #3
    Super Member
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    Sooooo true!

    My mother in law, who suffered from altzheimer, used to go to the bathroom and look at herself in the mirror. Then she would say, "I look old!"

    In her mind, she was a young woman, not an 85 year old lady. The woman in the mirror always surprised her.

  4. #4
    Senior Member
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    Seattle
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    I love this! There is an old lady like that at my house, too. Do you think it's a conspiracy? Are we being invaded? I wonder if the government knows about this?

    Thanks for the alert.

  5. #5
    Super Member lovingmama's Avatar
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    I know a cure for that, don't look with your eyes, look with your heart!

  6. #6
    Super Member Carrie Jo's Avatar
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    Southern Michigan
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    thats a very good way to look at it Momma!!

  7. #7
    Super Member LeeAnn's Avatar
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    Oh my gosh, and I thought it was just me! Truer words have not been spoken.

  8. #8
    Super Member thequilteddove's Avatar
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    Oct 2009
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    Omg! It's an epidemic! I was just think'n that yesterday! I took out my passport and there I was, look'n lovely. Went to the bathroom and an older, not so cute woman was look'n back at me! Now I know I feel prettier than I look I be - I thought maybe it was some kinda evil mirror and I needed to have it exorcized or destroyed all together! (It use to upset me when people described me as cute, I wanted to be described as beautiful or attractive - cute is for young girls... now I'd kill if someone told me I was cute as a button - well someone other than hubby, he seems to think I'm cute when I get irritated cause I have to say things 5 times and very loudly when I'm talk'n to him lol).

  9. #9
    Super Member raptureready's Avatar
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    When she sneezes really hard and wets your pants you know you're in real trouble. I think her sister moved in here. She's a hider--she hides things on me all the time and worse yet, she moved some old man in with her and between the two of them they've gotten rid of that dapper young man I married. Her's doesn't have much hair and no teeth at all.

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