I have never laughed so hard while reading this. I loved everything that was said and picture my H.
I like the suggestion to see if we have any of the white material you need.
Also I liked "scrappycats" idea by putting different colors of sashing and and make it look like you wanted to to that.
Scan the white material and see if we have anything near to that.
Keep us posted how long you are going to keep your H.