"$5.37." That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
> I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change, when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me.
> He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
> I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.
> "Only $4.68," he said cheerfully.
> I stood there stupefied. I am 58, not even 60 yet. A mere child! Senior citizen?
> >
> I took my burrito and walked out to the truck, wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.
> Old? Me?
> >
> I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
> >
> Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted!
> What am I now? A toddler?
>
>
> "Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"
> I stared with utter disdain at the keys.
> I began to rationalize in my mind.
> "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly!
> It could happen to anyone!"
> I turned and headed back to the truck.
> I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
> What now?
> I checked my keys and tried another.
> Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.
> I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.
>
>
> Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat.
> Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.
>
>
> Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
> Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.
> That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
> >
> I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time.
> There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"
> All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
>
>
> Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
> I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.> >
> He offered these kind words, "It's OK.
> My grandfather does stuff like this all the time.">
>
> All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And, no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
> >
> As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.>
>
> The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
>
>