I'm like you. Have just started machine quilting and the free motion makes me so tense it's not enjoyable. But people keep saying practice, practice, practice. So, I do most of my design quilting by hand. Like you, I refuse to send out a quilt for someone else to do because I like to know that the quilt was made entirely by me. And I really prefer hand quilting. It takes longer, but it is somehow much more satisfying when it's done. But, I do understand the advantages of the machine. More quilts get finished that way.