To Melinda in Tulsa, I am SO sorry about your loss and sadness, even 20 years later. I breaks my heart to think that you suffer so much. At the risk of offending you, may I please suggest that you see your doctor and try a prescription for antidepressants? I am not pushing pills, but I also hate to think of anyone suffering like this, not to mention the loved ones around you who must also be so sad because they can't help you. In this day and age there is medical help. Even if you only decide to take meds during the month of December that may help you get over the difficult month. Don't be too "proud" to talk to your doctor. 20 years is too long for this to go on. Good luck.