My dad used to say that something was drier than a popcorn fart.
If he saw a woman wearing to much lipstick or rouge he would say "redder than a foxes arse in persimmon time"
You make my butt want to suck a lemon
Shaking like a dog sh---ing bones
I used to say I should write a book about all his little sayings and my sis would say, Well, I wouldn't put my name on it.
Another saying I've used is "Fools names in fool spaces always appear in public places"