Originally Posted by Rose_P
This is not exactly an answer for after they are married, but if there is anything I could say to any young couple BEFORE it's too late:
Take a hard look at any "little" thing that irritates you about the person you are considering spending your life with and ask yourself how much of an annoyance that would be if it happened several times a week and got steadily worse. It will. Does he/she tend to boast? Interrupt? Tease in a hurtful way? Chew fingernails? Say nasty things about your friends and family? Buy roses when you said you like chocolate? Drink excessively (even once is a red flag if you don't like it!)? Insist on the movie he/she wants to see and never the one you'd like? Criticize anything about you in a painful way? Ask where you want to eat out and then tell you why it's no good? Try to control what you wear, what you buy, and where you go and with whom? Run issues into the ground, long after you want to move on?
Just please take off the rose-colored glasses and be sure you see the bad side of this person as realistically as possible. Everyone has faults, the decision is what kind of faults you might find intolerable.
I will add two more thing to the list of red flags:
1) physically abuse you in any way, and then tell you it was your fault for doing 'x', whatever 'x' is, and that he/she 'loves' you and it will never happen again.
It is NOT your fault that your partner cannot control him/herself when he/she doesn't like something you do or say. A person who physically abuses you does NOT love you - PEOPLE WHO LOVE EACH OTHER DO NOT HURT EACH OTHER. I can't be any clearer than that.
2) verbally abuse you, call you nasty names, curse at you, blame you for everything that goes wrong in his/her life...
If your partner screws up, that is his/her doing, not your fault.
Simply put, you are not responsible for your partners' happiness. He or she is. If you always try to make him/her happy, NEITHER of you will ever be happy.
Note that I am NOT advocating that you disregard your partners' feelings about things. I advocate that you and your partner are individuals who are ultimately responsible for your own lives and your own happiness.
You cannot rely on someone else to be a 'happiness app' for you...life doesn't work that way.
My DH asked me if I would make him happy when we were married. I told him no, that was his responsibility, not mine. I followed that by saying I will never intentionally do something that is designed to make him unhappy.