ah, xylie, that's me in a nutshell! i don't eat. no, i mean, i used to not eat. i am working very hard to be sure i do eat. at times i have slipped into an anorexic mode, where i literally can't swallow food. this has happened 5 times in my life. i existed on diet cokes and coffee. i would deliberately find fault with food that was served to me, and would not make food for myself, so i wouldn't eat. i'm 5'6" and have gotten down to 125. friends would say i was too thin, but i could still see the rolls of "fat". this time is the last time i'm going to lose weight because this time i am changing my outlook and my behavior. like a lot of people on here i have physical challenges, emotional challenges, that's called life. no one gets out alive! or unscarred! over my sixty years i have lost the combined weights of my three children and my husband. sadly, that means i have at some point gained those weights, too.
right now my emotional issues are fear and anger. i am afraid my husband will die before me altho' he promised not to. but he is recovering from pancreatic cancer, and that is rare. most do not have that opportunity. i am afraid someone will come to my house and discover i'm not a housekeeper and judge me based on that. i am terrified someone will realize i've been faking it all my life and i really don't know anything. i am furious with my husband for moving me here with no discussion and no warning. and i am angry that in a place this large there is no one to befriend me. i have tried and evidently failed to form relationships with people around me and they all seem to be happy with the friends they have and don't need or want any new ones.
i am purposely showing all (or some) of my warts. i'm far from perfect, but i'm also far from evil. to change the title of beyonce's new song , right now (and for the past 9 yrs) "it sucks to be me! this board has pulled me out of a deep depressive hole. i have people to talk to and relate to here. i have a new hobby to keep my mind and hands busy. i feel connected to something outside my home. thank you for that! thank you for the encouragement and friendship. none of us care about what anyone on here looks like. we are totally colorblind and prejudice free. i try to be that way in "real" life, too. here we are blind to the physical world and judge each other by our words. any one of us could lie and say we lost 20 lbs, and no one would question it. we accept each other as honest and honorable. as far as i can tell we're the closest thing to unconditional as i have found outside of family and dearest friends. do we all understand how amazing and wonderful that is?
it's not easy to put all this out there in front of you. it's very scary that i might be wrong and you will tell me to get lost or "kick" me off the board. but i'm trusting that you won't and you will understand what i'm telling you, and look into your own lives and discover what is making you fat and unhappy and angry. and THROW IT OUT, and OUT of your life. you will feel so much better.