Originally Posted by nancia
ah, xylie, that's me in a nutshell! i don't eat. no, i mean, i used to not eat. i am working very hard to be sure i do eat. at times i have slipped into an anorexic mode, where i literally can't swallow food. this has happened 5 times in my life. i existed on diet cokes and coffee. i would deliberately find fault with food that was served to me, and would not make food for myself, so i wouldn't eat. i'm 5'6" and have gotten down to 125. friends would say i was too thin, but i could still see the rolls of "fat". this time is the last time i'm going to lose weight because this time i am changing my outlook and my behavior. like a lot of people on here i have physical challenges, emotional challenges, that's called life. no one gets out alive! or unscarred! over my sixty years i have lost the combined weights of my three children and my husband. sadly, that means i have at some point gained those weights, too.
right now my emotional issues are fear and anger. i am afraid my husband will die before me altho' he promised not to. but he is recovering from pancreatic cancer, and that is rare. most do not have that opportunity. i am afraid someone will come to my house and discover i'm not a housekeeper and judge me based on that. i am terrified someone will realize i've been faking it all my life and i really don't know anything. i am furious with my husband for moving me here with no discussion and no warning. and i am angry that in a place this large there is no one to befriend me. i have tried and evidently failed to form relationships with people around me and they all seem to be happy with the friends they have and don't need or want any new ones.
i am purposely showing all (or some) of my warts. i'm far from perfect, but i'm also far from evil. to change the title of beyonce's new song , right now (and for the past 9 yrs) "it sucks to be me! this board has pulled me out of a deep depressive hole. i have people to talk to and relate to here. i have a new hobby to keep my mind and hands busy. i feel connected to something outside my home. thank you for that! thank you for the encouragement and friendship. none of us care about what anyone on here looks like. we are totally colorblind and prejudice free. i try to be that way in "real" life, too. here we are blind to the physical world and judge each other by our words. any one of us could lie and say we lost 20 lbs, and no one would question it. we accept each other as honest and honorable. as far as i can tell we're the closest thing to unconditional as i have found outside of family and dearest friends. do we all understand how amazing and wonderful that is?
it's not easy to put all this out there in front of you. it's very scary that i might be wrong and you will tell me to get lost or "kick" me off the board. but i'm trusting that you won't and you will understand what i'm telling you, and look into your own lives and discover what is making you fat and unhappy and angry. and THROW IT OUT, and OUT of your life. you will feel so much better.
OH,I agree totaly.I lived here 20 yrs and don't have 1 friend.I'm not from here,so don't know anybody except hubby's buds and our neighbors.All tho the girls are great people and would do anything I asked,as we are like 1 big family our here 15 miles from Yuma in no whereville.So know exactly how you feel.And your right.We all do genuinely care about one another.And yes,no predigestes.We are like the voice show.We don't know what we look like unless we post a picture,my camera is broke,but when I get a new one {down the rd}I'll find a picture of 4 yrs ago and now,and show the transformation of then and now.Now I'm not real pertty like I once was in my youth,after all I'm 56 this month.And no longer wear make up as it's just too flipping hot and muggy here.It slides off,then I look like a racoon.So,I don't bother.So we can tell each other our deepest secrets and not worry.I mean who we gona tell?Really?And yes,I'm glad you shared.As I am much like you.But on this board,we are sisters,and don't give a crap about color,gender,gay,etc,and it has no place here.We are here to lose weight,encourage one another,help one another through the storms of life.I love that when everybody chimes in you do get different perspectives and can see from every body's view point and get the total picture.I'm no saint,and I screw up and make mistakes,I'm human after all.That's how we learn anyway.But I don't make the same mistakes over and over and over.If it don't work,it ain't working.And we can't make it work.Like the voice show,those people been "trying" for 15 yrs or more to get record deals,some of them.Well,did it ever occur to them that maybe they stink?Just because they keep after it don't make it so.If I try something,like losing weight,and keep gaining it back,I'm not doing something right,or not trying hard enough.It's not easy.We have to go with out,sacrifice our wants over our needs.We need to lose weight,most of us.To some of us it is a matter of life or death.It will add yrs to your life and will do away with a lot of fat related deases like high blood pressure,diabetis,heart attacks,clogged arteries,depression,and on and on.A lot of you are depressed.You need to ask yourself,why?If you know the answer,then you might be able to fix it.If you can't fix it,then get away from it.I started throwing out my mental trash too,because I was depressed,big time.And even tho I couldn't fix all the problems. I did have a choice to fix myself and make my enemies kiss my butt and like it and make them pea green with envy.And I have without saying a word to them.And by living my life,losing all this weight,and being happy in spite of them.They are not going to rain on my parade called "MY LIFE" and making them hate me more because I can do it and they can't.And nor ever will because they are way too selfish and greedy and can't do with out their bon-bons,fast food joints,eating out all the time,stuffing candy hidden in their drawers at home down their gullets. to give up any thing for any body,even themselves.So,I'm glad you "shared" with us.Just as Missy has shared and bared her soul in hopes of helping others on this thread who are maybe in her shoes too.She said and it probably goes for all of us,we are here for you who need us.If you need to talk,share or pm us.We have to deal with the inside too and heal from the inside out.We need to be a whole person.And for once,be happy.I'm happy now and healed all my wounds.It makes it so much easier to lose weight if we are not carrying around a bunch of excess baggage inside.Anyway nancia,I couldn't agree with you more.And I am here for you.We are all going to be best buds,probably for life.So,lets 'get er done!' My new motto too.