First, what a funny post about a very un-funny experience! I like your style. :)
Sometimes I wish I could use a hoop just to get the dang thing off of me, but alas, when I try to use one...well, I have the same troubles you do. It just doesn't work for me.
I'm still on one stitch at a time, but it seems to be working. You'll find the method that works best for you.
Keep writing about your experiences -- or just keep writing, period!