Ok so I worked with it and worked with it. The more I supported the weight of the quilt and made sure everything was juuuust right, the more it seemed determined to NOT feed anything evenly. It was shoving my quilt top all over the place. I even re-basted with a million pins and spray and that just seemed to anger it more.
So in a last ditch hail mary play to save my quilt, I pulled off the walking foot and put the regular every day standard presser foot on. It worked beautifully. Everything fed perfectly even. Pretty, consistent stitches and it went about 4 times faster. Now half my quilt looks perfect, and the half done with the walking foot looks like what a baboon might do if you fed him a bottle of jack daniels and put in front of a sewing machine.