(I was timed out on my edit of the above post)
I think most of the responders DID get what your question was -
As far as 'etiquette/manners' go -
I think 'the nitty-gritty' things - such as how to hold one's fork, how to set a table, etc. - do have their place.
In my opinion - the circumstances surrounding an event do influence some of the nitty-gritty things (and some of those things - in my opinion - are as 'important' as a F**T in a tornado or hurricane), But, as the saying goes, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do" It's useful to know some of those things so one doesn't look like an idiot or boob.
There may be a book/author that says something like:
MIL shall call before visiting DIL
When MIL visits:
DIL shall invite MIL in and offer her a seat
DIL shall offer MIL a beverage (You did say that she ASKS for a glass of water)
DIL shall bring MIL beverage to where MIL is seated (or maybe the book says: MIL shall bring own beverage from home or go to well and pump her own water?)
MIL graciously accepts beverage that DIL offered
While MIL is visiting:
Does DIL offer refills the beverage?
Does MIL need to ask for refills?
Should MIL expect/get nothing -(unless specifically invited for an event)?
Before MIL leaves:
MIL shall ask DIL: "Where shall I leave this glass? On the table? By the sink? In the dishwasher?"
MIL shall ask DIL: "I have this trash. What shall I do with it? May I leave it here for you to dispose of where you want? Please show me where you would like me to put this? Shall I take it home with me?
This could get really silly - but I could run this on for another page or two.
There are some people that act more at home in my kitchen than I do - there are some that don't touch anything. It depends on our relationships.
We have one friend, that when she was younger and able-bodied, acted like we were royalty - now that she has more physical problems, she accepts help. (Last time I loaded the dishwasher, her comment was "That's not how I would have loaded the dishwasher, but the dishes are clean." ) Circumstances have forced changes in how things are done.
Interpersonal relationships can be so 'interesting' !!!!