Quit bashing yourself! It's perfectly understandable that you tried to fix a problem. Your writing is very amusing, by the way.
I think this will turn out and not be as much of a mountain to scale as it might seem, unless it's just huge. The beauty of the situation is that if there's a hole or awful stain that can't be fixed, it shouldn't be too terribly hard to switch it out with a replacement piece, since you haven't quilted it yet. I agree with Tartan about just removing the strings from around the white areas so they don't show through. It will take some pressing to get that sorted out and have it flat enough to sandwich without lumps, but other than that, it is not a catastrophe. You probably won't wash an unquilted top again after all the work this causes, but at least it won't have the issues that caused you to try this in the first place.