thank you everyone for your reply and your support. I really just needed to vent and have a shoulder to cry on.
We are the kind of parents that hold the kids responsible for their actions. We have clear, fair, consistent rules and expectations and we follow through every time. We do tell the kids frequently that we care about them but not their behaviour.
There have been numerous times, that she has come home drunk, or high, and expected to be kicked out of the house. I always say, I am not going to kick you out of the house for making a mistake, but you will have a consequence to help you learn from your mistake. She has told me, frequently that she will do whatever it takes to get what she wants, and what she wants is to live with her boyfriend. The catalyst has been....the boyfriend never wants to be here because they say its boring over here (they can't "hang out" in her room, which they do at his house, they close the door and have sex when his parents are home and in the other room. They cannot smoke in the house. They not only smoke at the boyfriends, but the parents supply them with ciggarettes, including the younger brother who started smoking at the age of 10. They cannot watch resistricted movies in our family room while dry humping on the couch in front of everyone.) If she could she would get up at 5 or 6 in the morning and go over there and crawl into bed with him. She goes over there for lunch and many times is late getting back to class, and is back there again right after school until curfew which is 10 pm. Our feeling is that it is unhealthy (for many reasons) for her tgo be there almost 24/7 and to just come home to sleep a few hours and be back again. We tried to have the boyfriend spend one evening a week, but he would either be sick, have things to do, or find some excuse not to come over. It got to the point that we said he must come and spend the evening before she can go over there. Nothing but problems with them trying to negotitate him not coming at all....so we said fine, we can't make him come over, but she needs to stay home 2 nights per week. It has evolved from there that she will not stay home, will not come home, and wants to spend the night over there, because she is too tired to make it home after being in the hot tub. He lives 1/2 a block away. The boyfriend is 17 a year older than her. He is no longer attending school this year, as he will not make his credits, so he feels its a waste of his time. His parents believe that he shouldn't have to work part time while going to school. He is supposed to be in grade 11 but is in grade 9. He misses more school than he attends for one excuse or another. The younger brother started high school this year and already is on probabtion with a truency officer. I do not agree with the way the parents of the boyfriend deal with these things but it is not my home and not my business.
The social worker and I are on the same page. We are working together to try and find a soloution for her, but she is too immature and just wants what she wants and she wants it right now. The boyfriends parents were contatcted by the worker, to try and get them on the same page, but they don't see anything wrong with the kids desire to live together because the parents themselves, were married at 17.
I am letting her go, because that is the only thing I can do. I don't want things to be said that can't be taken back, and I want the door to be left open for her to come back after learning the hard way...or not because she is too stubborn. Either way I want her to know that I still care for her, despite the outcome and I have told her that as well as written her a letter to read later on when she is not so angry. I know she is engaging in detachment behaviour...to make it easier for her to leave without feeling guilty. I know this but it doesn't make me feel any better. Right now the worker has found a bed in a semi-independent living facility, which is 40 mins away. Bottom line.....I am letting her go....but I am hoping she learns from this and comes back, and if she doesn't that she reaches the potential that I know she has!
Thanks again everyone
Denise