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Thread: Disorder in the American Courtroom

  1. #1
    Super Member grammyp's Avatar
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    I got this in an e-mail this morning. Even if it isn't true, it could be.

    KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget..
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do..
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you joking me?
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death..
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral...
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
    ______________________________________

    And last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No..
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

  2. #2
    Power Poster erstan947's Avatar
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    Put a smile on my face this morning:):):)

  3. #3
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    Thank you.........I really needed to laugh out loud!

  4. #4
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    I work in Court, as an "expert witness" in psychology. I can vouch for stupid questions that occur with regularity. Sometimes, the Judge and I meet eyes...hard not to laugh. I love when, in an interview, I ask the client how they came to be in Court (meaning why they were arrested or such) and they say, in all seriousness, "the bus brought me."

  5. #5
    Super Member damaquilts's Avatar
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    Too funny. I am sitting here with tears in my eyes.

  6. #6
    Super Member Ditter43's Avatar
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    I hope it's not true, but fear it is!!!! :lol:

  7. #7
    Super Member amandasgramma's Avatar
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    I've read this many times....and I STILL read thru it and laugh myself silly!!!! I knew lawyers (many are politicians) and yip - some ask those kind of questions.

  8. #8
    Super Member wanderingcreek's Avatar
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    Those are so funny. I would not have been able to keep a straight face upon hearing some of those in a courtroom!

  9. #9
    Super Member ptquilts's Avatar
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    My favorite:

    Lawyer: - is that your cousin Mr. Smith sitting there?
    Witness: - yes
    Lawyer: - and what is his first name?
    Witness: - I forget.
    Lawyer: - you forget your own cousin's name?
    Witness: - I'm too nervous (turns to cousin) - Nathan, for god's sakes tell them your name!!

  10. #10
    Power Poster amma's Avatar
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    LMBO

  11. #11
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    These are tooooooo good!!!!!!

  12. #12
    Power Poster CarrieAnne's Avatar
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    lol!

  13. #13
    a regular here
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    I think I know that lawyer.....lol

  14. #14
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    Laughing is the best medicine in the morning and the best way to start the day--Thanks!!!

  15. #15
    Super Member quilt3311's Avatar
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    Thanks for the laugh this morning. I actually have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. I'm afraid I would not be able to keep a straight face if I heard some of these questions and replies in an actual courtroom. I'd probably be held in contempt for laughing. I know I would be escorted out!

  16. #16
    Junior Member EskapetheNorm's Avatar
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    Thanks for the laugh to start my day!

  17. #17

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    Too funny! Oh, how I enjoy these posts :) Hard to believe sometimes that it's actually true!

    Debbie in Austin

  18. #18
    amorerm's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by quilt3311
    Thanks for the laugh this morning. I actually have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. I'm afraid I would not be able to keep a straight face if I heard some of these questions and replies in an actual courtroom. I'd probably be held in contempt for laughing. I know I would be escorted out!
    :thumbup: Imagine if we were on the jury. I'm sorry but I wouldn't have been able to hold it in and contain my laugh.

  19. #19
    Super Member just_the_scraps_m'am's Avatar
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    ROFLMAO--no way could i keep a straight face reading those--
    i think i met a few of those clowns...

  20. #20
    Super Member katyquilter's Avatar
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    I love attorney jokes, I work for one!!

  21. #21
    Power Poster lynnie's Avatar
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    roflmao

  22. #22
    kbs
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    Senior Member kbs's Avatar
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    That's our court system, alive and well?

  23. #23
    Senior Member kellen46's Avatar
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    In my former life, I was required to go to court on a regular basis, no for work, not misdeeds....We in this county have a wonderful judge who is known for plain speaking and for giving the "birth control speech" to parents who cannot parent. Here is my favorite.
    Monday Morning, Temporary custody hearings, an array of caseworkers, lawyers, parents and other interested persons.
    Mom # 1 comes up and Judge B. askes is the father of these children here (five children have been removed for unsafe home conditions) Yes, a man stands up, I am the father. He comes up to the front, case dealt with, we go on Mom #4 comes up, again, is the father in the court. Same man stands up, I am the father of these (three) children. Case dealt with and we move on. Last Mom of the day comes up and again the father was asked for. Now this woman is pitiful looking, more than usual. Her hair is hanging in her face, she is bowed over, tears streaming down her face. She is painfully thin, dressed in dirty jeans and teeshirt. She was arrested for meth use and thrown in jail losing her child to care in the process. I truly sad creature. Is the father in the court, Yes the same man as before stands up.
    "I am here on another matter your honor, parole violation, but I am the father of the child."
    Judge B looks askance at him....
    " Now your are the father of the five children?"
    "yes I am your honor",
    "and you are the father of the three children?"
    "yes I am your honor"
    "Now you are the father or this child too?"
    " I am" and the man looks at the pitiful woman with a sneer says "I don't know how I got into this one"
    Judge B. in a firm tone
    "I do, you unzipped your pants and your dick fell out."
    A full court room stifles giggles and snorts of laughter.
    I regret to say that same man had to in a few minutes go up in front of that same judge for his own criminal issues. The bad news his parole was revoked, the good news he could not father any children in jail.
    Just as a foot note, he had many more other children in the community. His habit was father a child by a woman on welfare and then rent her one of the many houses he owned for the cost of the house payment. He was a long shore-man so made good pay. His parole was for assaulting one of the mothers of his children and was violated for breaking a restraining order. Ah some times I miss listening to Judge B hand down his pithy comments but I never miss the pathetic array of parents who just could not seem to figure out how be a good enough parent.

  24. #24
    Super Member dglvr's Avatar
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    HA. Thanks for the laugh. Those are great. :thumbup:

  25. #25
    Magdalena's Avatar
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    Thank you for sharing the Sunday funnies. I need to find the book!

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