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Thread: Happy Real Thanksgiving

  1. #1
    Super Member butterflywing's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    currently central new jersey
    Dear Family & Friends,

    I know that you were eager to accept our family's invitation to Thanksgiving dinner when you found out that the famous Martha Stewart would be joining us. However, due to scheduling conflicts beyond her control, Ms. Stewart finds that she is unable to grace our table this year. With that in mind, there will be a few minor changes regarding the meal and decor, as outlined below. Please be aware of them, and adjust your appetite and dress appropriately.

    Thank you

    1) Our driveway will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After several trial runs and two visits from the fire department, it was decided that, no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

    2) Once inside, please note that the entry space will not be decorated with swags of Indian corn and fall foliage. Instead, we included our dog in decorating by having him track in colorful autumn leaves from the back yard. The mud was his idea.

    3) The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this is Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the paper SpongeBob dinner plates, the leftover Halloween napkins, and our plastic cup collection.

    4) Our centerpiece will not be a tower of fresh fruit and flowers. Instead we will be proudly displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper and pine cones. The artist assures me it is a turkey, albeit one without wings, legs, or a beak.

    5) We will be dining somewhat later than planned. However, our daughter will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure she will be happy to share every choice comment her mother made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims, stuffing choices, the turkey hotline, and, especially, her husband. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 7:00AM upon discovering that said husband had only remembered to pull the turkey from the freezer at 6:00 AM, and that the thing was still hard enough to cut diamonds.

    6) As an accompaniment to our daughter's recital of these events, I will play a recording of Native American tribal drumming. Curiously, the tribal drumming sounds a great deal like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, but that only enhances the holiday appropriateness. If our daughter should mention that we don't own a recording of Native American tribal drumming, ignore her. She's only nine; what does she know?

    7) A dainty silver bell will not be rung to announce the start of our feast. We have chosen to keep our traditional method of assembling when the smoke alarm goes off.

    8) There will be no formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask all the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door. And I would like to take this opportunity to remind our younger diners that "passing the rolls" is neither a football play nor an excuse to bean your cousin in the head with bread.

    9) The turkey will not be carved at the table. I know you have seen the Norman Rockwell image of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. Such a scene may occur somewhere in America , but it won't be happening at our dinner table. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in the kitchen at a private ceremony. I stress "private", meaning Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children, or older, helpful grandparents into the kitchen to check on my progress. I have a very large, very sharp knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win the battle. When I do, we will eat.

    10) For the duration of the meal, we will refer to the gravy by its lesser-known name: Kraft Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or makeup of the Kraft Cheese Sauce, smile kindly and say that you know the answer, but it's a secret that can't be revealed to them until they are 18.

    11) Instead of offering a choice among 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and dog tongue marks. You still have a choice: take it or leave it.

    That concludes our list of alterations. Again, I apologize that Martha will not be joining us this year. Come to think of it, she probably won't come next year, either.


  2. #2
    Senior Member KarenSimon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    sunny and WARM Tucson, AZ
    Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

  3. #3
    Moderator sharon b's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Northern Indiana
    Blog Entries
    Oh My #8 is so my family :lol: LOL

  4. #4
    Super Member pojo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    I rather come to your dinner anytime than Martha's.

    I have a very simple dinner too.

    Nothing fancy here I figure years ago they didn't.

    And my dog Buster gets his Thanksgiving meal too just like we eat.

    Happy Thanksgiving to all of you and your families!

  5. #5
    Senior Member theoldgraymare's Avatar
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    Jul 2010
    Beaumont, Texas
    Blog Entries
    This brought back so many memories of past Thanksgivings!!!

  6. #6
    dogles's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Warner Robins, Georgia
    Happy Thanksgiving everyone from Byron Georgia

  7. #7
    Super Member mom-6's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    I just disconnect the smoke alarm...LOL! The rolls seem to always be a bit dark anyway.

  8. #8
    Super Member trisha's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Northwest Ohio
    hahahahahaha.....love it!!!

  9. #9
    Super Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    At my house I tell everybody "When it is brown it is cooking, when it is black it is done." They don't bug me about the smoke dector going off anymore :-D

  10. #10
    mygirl66's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Flint, MI
    I wanna come over to your house for dinner!

  11. #11
    Super Member clem55's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Blog Entries
    Oh my! That sounds like around here. Except I 'm not too bad about the burning, I just forget to put stuff on the table. Stuffing left in the oven, veggies still in the microwave, little details like that. Solved that problem! We are having dinner at my son's again this year. Daughter in law is a good cook, very organized. Daughter and I take desserts and a couple casseroles so she doesn't have to do everything. It is wonderful just being able to walk in, all cleaned up and not have to be stressed out about getting everything ready. Yea!!!!

  12. #12
    Super Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    That was so funny! Thanks for the laugh. Thanksgiving sounds so much more fun without Martha - I think you got lucky! LOL

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